Okay...its been awhile since I've posted anything on this book...please no rude critiques...(is that spelt right) I don't want harsh comments, there is no reason to say hurtful things to make a point 
This is a dream! :~D
School's over, and I look over to where Mom used to be at every day after school. She isn't there... She hasn't been in that spot for a while. Why did she have to leave Dad and not take me with her? I get to see her a lot, but it isn't the same...
I wave goodbye to my friends and start on my way home. I hate it. The street behind my school I cut through to get to my house scares me. Bad things happen there.
It is so hot outside today. I don't like it at all; sweat is dripping from my neck and down my back. I shrug off my backpack, and put it on my right shoulder. As I'm doing this, I see a movement at the corner of my left eye, but when I look over there, I don't see anything. I'm getting really scared, so I walk faster.
I hear footsteps behind me and drop my backpack so I can pick up speed. My heart is racing so hard I can feel it in my head. I look behind me and see a blond guy chasing me. He looks too nice to be trying to hurt me, so I slow down. He stops running, and a smug look goes across his face.
He digs into his pocket, not taking his eyes off of me. An evil grin spreading across his face. He takes his hand out and I gasp. He is holding a small silver thing. Around the time I figured out it was a gun, it was to late to do anything..
"Wh-" I start to say, but a loud crack interrupts my words and I feel a sharp pain in my gut. I look down and see a scarlet circle. I press my hand to my stomach and red flows out from beneath my fingers.
I collapse onto the ground and look up, but the boy is already gone. I try to scream, but it comes out as a gut wrenching sob that hurts my stomach even more. I press my lips together, but that doesn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.
"Skylar..." I hear someone say my name, and look up. It's a teenage boy with what seems like bottomless blue eyes, staring down at me. How does he know my name? I open my mouth to ask him, but he puts his finger over my mouth.
"Shh. Everything will be okay sweetheart, just hold on." He says, taking out a cell phone. I'm getting dizzy, I breathe in and out and try hard not to cry. I try to focus on the boy's voice but it sounds fuzzy. "Stay with me Sky! Don't you dare leave; it is not your time!" He says looking down at me.
*******
I woke up screaming into my pillow, I could feel tears streaming down my face... The light turned on and my father walked over to my bed.
"This is it! We're moving... I know that you can't live here. Ever since th-the-accident you have had these nightmares....Skylar, we have to. Pack up your things, because we're moving to Maine." I opened my mouth, then shut it again, not understanding why it was so sudden.
What?! How long had he been planning this? Why now, in the middle of the year? What about Mom?! I couldn't really focus though, because I was lost; thinking about those midnight blue eyes... Who was - is - that guy?
The dream part is based on something that happened earlier in her life (if it wasn't noticed), it is rushed because it doesn't go into detail about this scene until MUCH later....sorry for all the confusion....I'm working on editing 
He calls her sweetheart because she is a little girl in need of comforting...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This was a decent start here. Not a bad first chapter at all, although I have to say the dream part could do with some italics being used, or people will be confused for a moment. Other than that, I think its got enough action and mystery her to catch a reader's attention, it just needs to be slowed down a bit at that last part so that it can have more of an impact on the reader rather than going by that quickly.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...a bit of a mixed bag on that particular start there...this is off to something pretty interesting here. We start with a standard enough one where it seems like just a normal ol' day and then there's just a hint of tension and suddenly things get very exciting. I think this is a great balance to hit here to get this story started.
Oh wow that is quick...I love this quick little action scene here. Its a nice quick chase, effective use of that weapon there, the only thing is perhaps the injury there seems a little tame compared to what could actually happen...although I guess it depends on what sort of gun we're talking about here. Also the look of the guy being non threatening because he's blond is an odd statement, also I really don't know how you can even think of someone as non threatening when they are literally chasing after you obviously bent on causing some form of harm. Don't quite understand that logic there.
Okayy...that's an interesting name there. Not something that you tend to run into everyday. That's a decent enough bit there. Its a little odd to see that someone's just there to comfort her when she doesn't even know who it is...but well, we'll see eventually I guess. It also seems somewhat like this person is becoming unconscious here with the fuzziness and such...so, well, definitely makes for an interesting opening here.
Okayyy....well that is quite the ending here. A bit of a rushed ending. I feel like this nightmare was not allowed to truly sink in to the reader. It's good to be fast with decisive action sequences but often letting it simmer for just a little time is a good idea and a good way to make things have more of an impact and that's necessary for a first chapter.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, its a good start here, but there's a couple of things that need to be done to ensure that this opening reaches its full potential. As it is, I definitely find it interesting enough to want to read on but a couple of those small changes like slowing the pace towards the end and such will work wonders here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Personally, I don't care if I say things that would be hurtful to you, and if you can't take harsh reviews then you don't deserve to be a writer. Also, if you don't know how it's spelled, that's what spell checker is for. Just mentioning it shows that you don't know what you are doing.
Remove the at.
The bold parts sound better than what you had to me.
Thing? Really? You only have to describe it halfway. Describe some of the features of it that the character can see of it at the time.
Change that bold part. It just sounds weird to me.
[/quote]
Don't tell us these things. If you want the reader to know what happens "much later" then start writing so you can get to that part.
Overall: I didn't think it was great. There wasn't very good description. The reader needs more meat to visualize what's happening. Describe this alley, describe this mysterious gunner more, describe the waking up part, just add more description so the readers can get a visual picture of what is happening. Also, never ask for someone to not be harsh. For me personally, that just tempts me to make as harsh as I can make. But for other people that is simply the way they review, and asking for them not to do that is pretty much saying that you aren't a good author. Anways, if you need help or a review, feel free to PM me here on YWS.
Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf
Also, you should really add some details to the characters. I didn't know the MC was a girl until I read the author's note at the end. Was wondering why the boy had called him Sweetheart and had to read the whole thing over once I finally read that she was a girl.
Overall, it's not bad, it just needs a good bit of work. I hope these reviews were helpful.
Hey, just a couple things from me right now:
Can that be rewritten? Maybe:
School's over, and I look to the place where Mom used to be everyday after school.
If not that, then maybe something else. What you have now is kind of awkward to read.
This could also probably be rewritten.
The street behind my school that I cut through to get to my house scares me..
Still would sound a bit off, but the 'that' makes it flow better. Also, if the street scares her, and bad things happen there, why is she using it?
It's hot outside today; sweat is dripping from my neck and down my back. I don't like it at all.
As I'm doing this, I see a movement in the corner of my left eye, but when I look there, I don't see anything.
He stops running, and a smug look crosses his face.
I think in the case of gunshots, you'd feel the pain before you heard the crack. Especially if the shooter is a short distance away. May be wrong though, and will look it up to be sure.
Would make more sense if you said
I press my eyelids together, but that doesn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.
I press my lips together, but that doesn't stop a [insert noise of pain] from escaping my throat.
Because pressing your lips together wouldn't really stop tears from rolling down your cheeks. If you're pressing your lips together, it should be to keep from making a noise from your mouth. If you're trying to stop tears from rolling down your cheeks, you might squeeze your eyelids together.
Not really that much detail in the rest of the chapter, so the bottomless blue eyes part seems out of place, especially considering that she's lying on the ground with a gut wound at the time.
I'll leave it at this for now since I see from the Preview screen that someone else has already reviewed while I've been typing, and has done a pretty good job of it.
First, people will critique the way they want to critique. If you get nasty reviews that say your work sucks, you should read the review not as the author of the work, but as a reader. You'll find that the reviewer was probably right about whatever they were saying.
Second, don't question whether you've spelled something correctly when spell-check is available through Microsoft Word, and at the bottom of the submission field. It just passes off as unprofessional. If I was you, I'd delete the author's note, and the "this is a dream!" sentence, as both detracts from the story. If you want the reader to figure out that the first scene is a dream, put it in italics by writing it like this:
[i]something interesting[/i]Third, I can already see that you need to reformat your story so that it is easier for the reader to read on their computer screens. Place extra enters/create new lines at the beginning of every paragraph and instance when someone speaks. Here's what I mean:
Becomes:
Now, on to the review.
This whole paragraph needs a rehaul. It doesn't flow very well. Consider rearranging your sentences to make them more interesting.
You hate waving goodbye to your friends? Or do you hate walking home? Or do you hate your home? It's not clear which one your main character dislikes. You should also rearrange the second sentence, "I cut through the street behind my school to get home. It scares me. Bad things happen there." But now I'm questioning why this girl goes this way if she knows it is dangerous. Also, a street directly behind the school, straight after school when there are teachers and parents and students still present should be a safe pick up point. So that doesn't make sense.
Technically she should see plenty of other students and parents. Take your own school for example. Some students take the bus, others are picked up, sometimes students stay at school with friends, and everyone else walks home. The chances of other students living in the same area as your main character is large, seeing as if you're walking home that means you're attending the closest school to that area.
That is not something a normal person would do. If you're walking home from school and you hear footsteps behind you, you're not going to ditch your bag with all your belongings, like your mobile phone and wallet. Now that I mention it, why didn't your MC use her phone to call her friends?
How can you feel your heart in your head? I think you mean your heart beating. The word "guy" is a slack choice to use. A man (I assume) is chasing you and you slow down to talk to him? ... your main character isn't very smart.
You realize guns are ranged weapons, right? All you have to do is stand still, aim, and shoot. He wouldn't have to chase after your main character if he had been there waiting. Why did your MC gasp if she didn't know the small silver thing was a gun?
While I like the imagery, "a sharp pain" does not a bullet wound make. Why wouldn't she scream as she saw the gun?
Where are all the students walking home? Where are the cars full of waiting parents that saw this happen so close to the school, right behind the school? What kind of person would shoot a school child right near a school and allow himself to be seen so he could be identified later? Most criminals aim to kill, why shoot your MC in the stomach? Why would the shooter take the time to smile evilly? So many inconsistencies in your story.
No teenage male speaks like that.
No need for this if you simply put the dream in italics.
Ellipses not needed. These two sentences could be greatly expanded. You're no longer writing for a dream, so the details of the room, her father, the smell in the air etc should be described to completely separate the dream style of writing with the actual story.
This seems too abrupt. No parent will suddenly declare that they were moving. Adults have jobs. They have responsibilities. Later on you say that this incident happened a long time ago. Why did her father wait so long to move then?
Only ever use one form of that type of punctuation, either "?" or "!", not both. I would also like to know how long the father had been planning this without talking to his daughter about it. If he'd been planning it for a while, he wouldn't choose such a ridiculous time in the middle of the school year. If he had been planning it for a while, he would have discussed it with his spouse, even if they were divorced.
And the ending was rather weak.
... Get rid of this author's note. It's appalling.
So.
Characters
Skylar: A boy's name. We know nothing about her? Nothing about what she looks like, how old she is, etc etc. She doesn't protest when her father bursts into her room in the middle of the night. She was shot for apparently no reason in Primary school and saved by a boy with a cell-phone.
Boy with bottle-blue eyes: That's all we know.
Father: Some crazy guy that's going to suddenly move his family a long time after the "incident".
Mother: All we know is that she stopped picking her child up from school.
Descriptions
In your case, lack-thereof. Please think about fleshing out your paragraphs.
Overall
This needs some serious work to make it interesting. You need to do some more research into random just after school shootings right behind the school (I doubt you'll be able to find a precedent case - it just doesn't happen).
Reply to my review in this thread so I can discuss with you my own comments.
- Jai