I purse my lips in the usual smile as I walked by from my mother's room. You give me a short glance into my eyes then stare back at the floor. My head is throbbing. I'm dying to open my lips and scream at you. Say anything to get you to stop and stare me dead in eye. Tell me how you've been. Why I saw you crying if this was what you wanted? Of course, I leave my lips pursed, and continue on my path to the nurses desk.
"Jenny, how is your mom doing?" The nurse asked with a warm smile, looking up from her computer screen. The nurses pass around papers in the background. The entire floor always seems dead except for the nurses station. I always thought it would be loud up here only because its where all the physcos go...
" She's doing okay, Barbra, thanks for asking." I flash her a fake smile again. Nervously I run my fingers over the scars on my arms. They bulge out against the tips of my fingers. Some angry and purple, some a light pink. "The doctor said her trail is tomorrow. Does that mean she will be getting out of here?"
" Well, Jenny, she has to meet with the physiatrist, and then he will decide when she can be released."
"Oh." I look down at my black, worn converse and force my feet to walk on the white tiled floors to the elevator. I wanted to stop by your room, but I never got up the courage... I stopped short right before pressing the down arrow on the elevator, and thought about running to your room. Talking for hours, like we used to, about the good old days and when we were little. Hoping that you would accept me willingly into your arms and hold on to me forever. But that is only in my dreams.
I press the arrow and it automatically lights up. Down the hall one of the patients start to scream, but I step into the elevator before I can see if it is you or not. I doubt you'd scream. At least you didn't that night...
My mother had been suicidal for almost a year now. Her last attempt was with four bottles of pills. I wasn't surprised. I'm used to her giving a shit about no one, but herself. Not even her clinically depressed daughter. Sometimes I wish it was like it use to be before dad left. She was my best friend. All good things must come to an end... I let a big sigh escape my lips as I step over the elevators threshold into the main lobby.
I remember that night perfectly. The night you decide to end it. You and me, along with your life. I try to let it go like you said to. We did this to help you... Who knew it wouldn't work. That we would get caught...
End of chapter
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138,377 Literary Works • 672,111 Reviews
Okay. Here for my second review. This would be a bit quick since my eyes can't take the screen anymore. I'm currently typing this down at exactly midnight. ^^
As I have said before, the story needs to be filled in with feelings, because without it, there would be no life in the story. And I hope you're not just describing the mother as a teenage angst or whatsoever emo stuff. ^^ Especially that everything's based on the first person- a POV that's very tricky although it's commonly used by writers. Let us feel Jenny's reaction and thoughts in her mind, the personal effect that brought by her mother's suicidal personality. Did it also affect her about her dad? In what way? emotionally? physically? For now, you have to focus on setting up a bridge both for your readers and characters. It's because what you have showed us fell a bit flat, there were no serious development or some elements that can make the story move with purpose. Perhaps because of the length of the piece, but it doesn't really matter, because what is important is the quality. There are a lot of 150-word stories here in this site. Try reading one and I know you can do better than what you're giving us right here. ^^
Overall, this has tons of potential. You just have to do some editing and a big hand of motivation and inspiration even. Let me know if you have any questions.
Peace out,
Yuri
I thought this was great! At first I got a little confused with the tenses but caught on! I encourage you to keep writing and pursue your dreams, you have the talent.!
ps: I hope this is fiction! I would hate to know that this actually happened! anyway good luck with your writing!
- Jenna
Hello there!
Hmm. Not quite a good start. There are some instances where I have to pause for a moment and read a statement in confusion. I know you wanted to create this 'what-is-she-going-to-do' technique to attract your reader's attention and I believe you pulled it off well. But then again, I would highly suggest that you need to be more careful in terms of how you execute your character's thoughts and technical errors that created a few bumps.
First of all, she keeps on telling us that she's pursing her lips. Okay. I understand that she's nervous and all that, but it's getting rather annoying to read that almost the same thing by the end of the paragraph. Maybe you could have focused on some other areas like her eyes, hands-if it's shaking or not- or could even be her stomach churning... something like that. ^^
Ahh. I don't get what you really mean here. I think your "her" is supposed to be "there" and "sicos" supposed to be "psychos"?
Maybe that's her way of speaking the name but at least could have spelled it correctly into Barbara, right? And why does she keeps on pursing her lips and then turning it into a smile? As far as I know, "pursing lips" is to disagreement of thoughts or when a person's in deep thoughts. I doubt pursing means to smile.
That usually happens on the wrist, right?
The S in She should be in lower-case, psychiatrist is spelled incorrectly and the highlighted phrase is confusing.
That should be a period not a comma. Since we only use a comma when a dialog is after a speech tag (such as she said, he replied). Then again, I scratched my head reading that sentence. Worn should be "worn-out", and when you say she force her feet to walk on the floor, does she mean she took of her shoes and walk towards the elevator? ^^ Even if so, your character failed to let us know why. ^^
I suggest slashing out the highlighted phrase. It's kind of an obvious situation that when we press the button, of course it'd lit up. Or unless you meant to say that the door automatically opened?
~
As far as the story is concern, I think it has a lot of potential. Your characters are quite interesting, like I want to get to know more about them. However, I think the story would look a lot realistic if you have placed more emotions and not just some bland unfolding of your character's perspective and visual thoughts. This could have been longer and I think what you have given us is a rough draft.
[To be continued. Off to sleep for now]
Right! "Review Time With JT" starts now~~~~ (xD)
Stare*
Now, after a comma you don't use capitals. Either do it as: Jenny! How is your mom doing? (or) Jenny, how is your mom doing?
1. Ask? Or asked?
2.After smile, there should be a comma. Also, try re-arranging this sentence. It will seem more appealing: Looking up from her computer screen, the nurse asked with a warm smile.
1. Here*
2.Either: Because or 'cause
3. Sick-os*
Purse? Again? Try a new adjective here.
Only one period needed.
1. Thought*
2.those*
3. Wait, I thought this was about the character's mom... How is she "little" when you're little? Also, the 'and' over there is not needed. Try something like, "about those good old days, all those years ago." or something.
Herself is one word
So, yeah, I think you should have really proofread your work before submitting it in.
But, it was good otherwise. Well done!
-JT
Hi there!
This is a great start. I really enjoyed reading it. It was well written and definitely caught my attention. Good job! If you want to know whether or not people are going to like this, I'd say they are going to. Well, at least I know I will! Your character is great and I can feel her emotion, see what she's wearing, get inside her head. There aren't many spelling and grammer error, but since this is pretty much a preview for the real thing, you'll end up editing it anyway, right?
This is a very good start. I can't wait to read the rest! Keep writing!