Published April 4, 2007
As I Run This Blade Threw My Flesh
In A Hours Time I'll Be Out Of Breath
Lying Still In A Pool Of Blood
Know I Lost My One True Love
My blood is spiling onto the floor
I feel my life slipping away once more
You hurt me so bad that I now see
That my life wasn't meant to be
Depression gets the best of me
Cutting is my only relief
I hide my face so that no one can see
The pain thats buried deep inside of me
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Well, its good. I like rhmying and pace of the poem but there are a few error.
Shouldn't it be through my flesh
I like the idea although it is a ltitle cliched.
I will read more of your work
By the way can we be friends?:elephant:
Charlotte
First thing first, are these three separate poems?
ok first poem, again as clau said, threw = through. To be maybe a bit more descriptive you can tell where he or she stabbed his or herself, maybe the blood seeping out of the wound? Also another thing is you can describe darkness fading in from the sides near the end. Another thing is describe the persons face (if you want to take it to third person), if not the face some part of the person like '
the normal, cheery reddish hue of my hand,
long gone,
replaced with a stone cold, blood spattered replica...'
or something such as that.
THe in an hours time is a little unneeded, but the 'out of breath' is good but go for maybe a more dramatic wording ('gasping for the air that wasn't there..') or something of the sort.
the part 'I know i lost my one true love' is a little random, if you were to have a life flashing before your eyes part added that would be good, you could have their life flashing between his or her eyes and have it end on their true love as the world slowly turns black.
Interesting stuff, but i'll have to come back for the other two.
take care,
DQ
"a hour" could debatable also be "an hour" (h is sometimes vowel ish)
Every word in the first stanza is capitalized...odd. Was there a purpose behind it?
You have no punctuation: Poetry & Punctuation.
And, at this point, I don't really hate to say it: it has been done before. So. Many. Times. It has been done before. No one can write a depressing teen poem and find originality, because I think depressing teen poems thrive off of the fact that they are all so similar, unchanged, and navel-gazing.
Might help you out: Emotional Poetry
(sorry I sound so robotic. Only half awake...)