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Young Writers Society



A Summer Horse

by Book_Worm_113


Chapter one

I swear if she tells me to shut up one more time, I’m going to blow up! Cassie thought. “Now, as I was saying, matter I –“Her teacher, Mrs. Burns, started but Cassie had already turned around and was poking her best friend, Tasha.

“Cassie! Pay attention! If you disrupt class one more time I’m going to have to send you to the office!” Mrs. Burns angrily exclaimed.

“Yes Mrs. Burns.” Cassie said with no emotion.

“Now as I was saying matter -” Mrs. Burns paused looked at Cassie then said “That’s it Cassie! I have had it up to here with you!”

“But, I was just listening!” Cassie exclaimed.

“I know you; something is up when you are just sitting there quietly, so go to the office!” Mrs. Burns almost screamed.

“Fine I’ll just tell them you sent me to the office for sitting here.” Cassie mumbled a little too loud.

“Go!” Mrs. Burns had lost it, big time.

Believe it or not, it was Cassie’s first time going to the office in three years except for that incident in third grade but that has nothing to do with the story. When she got up there, the secretary looked a little surprised.

“I thought I heard yelling, Mrs. Burns lose it again?” The secretary, Ms. Loll, asked.

“Yea, all I was doing was sitting there and then she blew up!” Cassie exclaimed, still a little angry.

“Don’t feel bad it happens all the time, and if you pay attention in class you’ll actually find she has a lot to say” Ms. Loll said somewhat annoyingly.

“Yeah, Yeah I know. I brought my homework should I sit at the desk over there until lunch?” Cassie asked.

“Yes dear.” Ms. Loll said absent mindedly.

After about a half an hour, it was lunch and Cassie practically ran out of the office, hurrying to her class. Cassie put her stuff away and walked to the lunch line.

“Number, please.” The lunch lady who Cassie could care less what her name is.

“13324.” Cassie replied. Then walked over got some food and sat next to Tasha. “Cassie! Guess what? Oh my! You’ll never believe this!” Tasha almost squealed. Cassie didn’t really care, because it obviously had to be something about a guy, and guys stick to Tasha like flypaper. “Um, what is it?” Cassie

pg.1

said with out care at all. “Guess who wants to go out with you?” Tasha asked. Now this gave Cassie a little interest. “Who does?” Cassie said a little more interested. “Kyle! Kyle does, he even admitted it!” Tasha pretty much screamed. Cassie had a crush on Kyle since fifth grade; it’s what she gets for going to a K-8th school. “Well if that prep wants to go out with me, he can ask me to my face.” Cassie said after a ten minute pause, and then the lunch bell rang. “See you in class!” Cassie said, hurriedly getting up so as not to get any giggly girl questions. Sometimes she doesn’t know why she gets along with Tasha. Tasha is blonde hair blue eyes super skinny and pretty and popular. Cassie is well medium brown hair that she always wears down and green eyes. Tasha loves being the center of attention, and Cassie likes to not be noticed, and when she is noticed it’s not for good reasons.

Going to her next class, she almost bumped into three different people it was so odd. Kyle was an eight grader which meant next year he is going to the high school. Cassie just got in seventh grade and is a complete and total mess. Maybe it doesn’t matter to him, or maybe he wants to pull one of those things from that movie where the popular guy takes the nerdy girl to the prom and she is prom queen and they pour cow blood on her. Then again, maybe not. Cassie doesn’t have mind power to kill them all. Even if she did, I highly doubt she would kill Kyle.

When Cassie got to her next class Mr. Reds was teaching and everybody likes him, especially Cassie, he is the only nice teacher in the school. Cassie took her seat which is right next to Kyle and on the other side of her is Dylan, Kyle’s best friend. Behind her is Gaga, who is extremely odd. Cassie was sitting there letting her mind wander when she saw everyone including the teacher was staring at her. He asked a question and she absent mindedly rose her hand up in the air.

“The answer please, Cassie.” Mr. Reds said expectantly.

“Um… green?” Cassie guessed.

“Correct, although I think you weren’t paying attention, I will give you the benefit of the doubt.” He said.

“What the hell is the benefit of the doubt?” Dylan whispered to Cassie, and she just rolled her eyes.

pg.2

After that class was math which Cassie always slept through, but today her teacher, Mrs. Yates, said

“Cassie if you don’t sleep through class today, I’ll give you five dollars.”

“Sounds good to me” Cassie replied a little excited.

So math class dragged on for Cassie, but she still wasn’t paying attention. Hey, no one said she couldn’t daydream! In about an hour math was over and that was the end of school.

Cassie got on the bus that took her home. Her house was pretty normal, except the thing she wanted more than anything was a horse. Her house had a ten acre field and a new barn but only a cow that doesn’t give off milk and her cat Kiki and her dog Frisher. Frisher is a black and white Dalmatian and Kiki is a black Persian.

When Cassie got home, her mother said she had to talk to her about something.

“Cassie, sweetie, we are going to get you a horse for your birthday. The Stevens next door have a two and three fourths old horse that they will give to us, under one condition, since today was the last day of school Dylan’s parents are going out of town and he will stay with us for the summer”

“Wow mom that’s a lot to take in, in only one day.” Cassie said happy but feeling a little weird that Dylan is staying.

“Honey, I know you don’t like him very much but he’s going to stay in the room next to yours, you know the one that we never could figure out what to do with?” Her mom said.

“Yeah, I know that one, so anyways what does the horse look like? Is it a girl or boy? Does it have a name? Can it be ridden?” Cassie asked hurriedly.

“Well, it’s a girl she does not have a name and I don’t know what she looks like you’ll have to wait and see. Dylan is going to walk the horse over here at three and its two thirty now so go get into something other than your school clothes.” Her mom said. “Yes ma’am!” Cassie said with fake enthusiasm.

Cassie ran up the stairs to her room. Great she thought a whole three months with that idiot Dylan, well he IS cute. She laughed out loud at the mere thought of ever dating him. After she had changed and was walking downstairs she heard hoof beats and some slight neighing. Oh great she thought just smile and wave, smile and wave and maybe we will get along….as if.

pg.3

The front door opened and in came Dylan. He’s a lot cuter with out his school uniform which makes him look like a marshmallow. That thought made her giggle.

“What’s so funny?” Dylan asked.

“Nothing, marshmallow man.” Cassie teased.

“Cassie! Be nice to him!” Her mother scolded.

“Yes ma’am.” Cassie said.

Dylan stated to walk outside and didn’t even ask her to go with him. Did I mention how rude he is? Cassie thought. She ran outside and saw the horse. It was a dark roan with a light tan mane and tail.

“She’s so beautiful.” Cassie exclaimed.

Dylan, just now realizing she was there, said “I know.”

“I never knew you liked horses.” Cassie said trying to make conversation.

“Not many people know much about me, they automatically think I’m prep. I can’t stand preps.” He said, talking quietly.

Cassie opened her mouth to say something but he walked the horse over to the barn and put her up and started walking to the house.

“Hey, where are you going?” Cassie asked.

“To eat I’m starving.” He said

Figures. Cassie thought.

“Well, wait for me!” She said, and surprisingly enough, he slowed down and waited for her to catch up.

“You’re not as bad as I thought you’d be.” Cassie said.

“Um…thanks. Neither are you.” He said.

Suddenly, Cassie’s face got really red and she ran inside the house dashing upstairs to her room. Grabbing the phone she quickly dialed Tasha’s number.

Tasha’s mom answered. “Hello.” Her mom said. “Hello this is Cassie is Tasha home?” Cassie asked. “Sorry she is at her boyfriend’s house.” Her mom said. “Oh sorry to bother you then, may I ask who is her boyfriend?” Cassie inquired. “Oh some Kyle guy” She said. Cassie’s eyes got wide and she dropped the phone.

pg.4


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Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 85

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Sun Oct 29, 2006 9:41 pm
pandoraswritings wrote a review...



Book_Worm_113 wrote:“Number, please.” The lunch lady who Cassie could care less what her name is.


You forgot "said" here. You did this in a few other places too.

Y ou desperately need spaces in this. I almost didn't read it because it hurt my eyes to look at.

Also, when a character starts talking, you need to start it on a new line.

It was pretty good. You just need a few corrections.

Pandora




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161 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 161

Donate
Fri Oct 27, 2006 9:49 pm
Cassandra wrote a review...



One thing you really don't want to do is start off your piece with a poll. Why? Because this tempts lazy people, like myself, to just vote in the poll rather than give you real feedback in the form of a critique, like I'm doing now! And you don't want that, do you? Because votes in a poll won't help you improve whatsoever. :)

Try spacing out your paragraphs a little more to make this easier on the eyes, and also delete the page numbers in there.

A rather prominent problem I noticed was that you called your main character by her first name the entire time. Her name is Cassie, we get it! You should really be calling her "her" more often than you call her by her name. Otherwise it gets very annoying. Or, if you wanted, you could switch to first person (use the pronouns "I", "me", etc.), so that this wouldn't be a problem.

With dialouge, always start a new paragraph whenever a different character speaks. Your dialouge also sounds very forced and phony. Some links that you should check out, about dialouge:

viewtopic.php?t=6059

You really need to get a good handle on who your characters are. Right now, Cassie is a very wishy-washy person. She hates preps, but she comes off as very shallow. Also, you need to make the reader like your main character. If they don't like her, why will they read it? Honestly? I hate Cassie. She's shallow and judgmental, and a hypocrite. Something that might help you flesh out your characters is a character profile:

viewtopic.php?t=4985
viewtopic.php?t=4000
viewtopic.php?t=3746

Other links on characters:

viewtopic.php?t=2520
viewtopic.php?t=318

The beginning is very important to a story, because it has to hook the reader. By that I mean, the reader has to start reading and then hate having to stop! If you don't have a good hook, no one will read your work. Period.

PM me or just post here if you have any questions about anything I've suggested, and good luck!





What's the point of being a grown-up if you can't be a bit childish sometimes?
— 4th Doctor