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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Prologue: Form on the Plain

by BookWolf


Author's Notes: I found this image randomly on the internet and for some reason it inspired me so much that I ended up writing a prologue about it. xD I'm so weird, I know. Anyway, all critiques are greatly appreciated. I hope you like it.

***

The empty world surrounded the king.

Atop his horse, he could see for miles in every direction, the flat plain barren and cold. The sky overhead was grey with the promise of rain and thin tendrils of mist played amongst the grass. The air was wet, the occasional breeze numbing his face. He heard only one sound, and that was the sound of utter silence, beneath it the wail of thousands of men long dead. Whether they were brought about by spirits or the king's own ravaged mind, he cared not. Either way, the war was over and the lives spent here still hung on his conscience.

He turned eastward as small raindrops began to fall, toward his city. While this was the first time he'd left the gates in months, it was not the first time he'd sought out a place to be alone in silence. Days had seemed to grow longer lately, nights darker, flames duller. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed. The only joy he had left in his life was his dear, dear wife, and it became more clear with each passing day that her time left on this earth was running thin. After she was gone he would see no point in continuing his own life.

In the distance, the king made out a tiny black shape moving towards him at a steady pace over the dark plain. A faint smile crept onto his lips at the brilliant blue cape flying behind the rider and he knew immediately who it was. Turning his own horse eastward, he kicked the brown stallion into motion and rode out to meet his son.

The two met just as the rain began to fall more heavily, soaking their hair and turning the hard ground to mush. For a moment, neither said nothing, the younger regarding the older with a look of amused curiosity, though within those almond eyes was also worry.

“What are you doing out here, father?” the prince finally asked, tilting his head slightly so as avoid getting rain in his eyes. “If you hadn't noticed, we are in the middle of a downpour.”

“I would ask you the same,” he said simply. “Did the guards tell you I'd left?” His lips pursed. “Or was it that excuse for a steward Malin?”

The prince smiled. “He might have had something to do with it.”

“Thought as much.” The old king lowered his eyes to take notice of his son's attire. He was fully clad from head-to-toe in the regal blue and black garb, each piece tailored to perfection. Even his boots were polished and his hair done, though the rain had already pretty much ruined that, the brown locks framing his face. And what a face it was. The king had always been proud that he'd managed to produce such a handsome boy, but now, sitting before him all alone on an empty plain, he realized what he'd truly made. If only the boy would have worn his crown.

“Can we return home now, father?” the prince asked, his shoulders now hunched against the rain, as if he were afraid it would harm him.

The king studied his son, gazing into humble eyes. He is more a king than I am now. The realization hit him suddenly, all brought about just in the way the prince dressed now a days. Looking down at himself, there was nothing more than a dirtied coat and simple trousers. The difference between the two was drastic, but not just in the way they looked. One had been broken one too many times in his long life, and the other had just started living, his ideas new, his eyes fresh, and his accomplishments promising. It seemed obvious to him which was more suited to serve the City of Sithril.

Making his decision, the king forced a smile and nudged his horse forward so that he came nearly shoulder to shoulder with his son. Then he said lightly, “Have you put much thought into marriage yet, son?”

“Marriage?” The boy frowned, straightening slightly on his horse. “I do think this is an odd place to be discussing this.”

Then, the king laughed, for quite possibly the first time in years, and continued to laugh until he finally told his son to go back to the castle and wait for him. Stilling chortling freely, he turned his horse northward and hurried on at a steady trot.

Minutes passed like this, his bellowing laughter booming through the open plains as he rode, until at last it was smothered by an entirely new sound, one that seemed to come from the heavens themselves.

The croon of a flute swirled about the plain, carried on by the winds and echoing off the very earth. Gentle notes played about the king's ears as the trot turned into a gallop and the ground began to shake, though not because of the pounding of hooves. The tune intensified, becoming not just beautiful but hauntingly so. The rumbling on the ground only added to it, sounding almost as if it were the subtle beats from a drum. Together, the two formed a melody that would make even the coldest of hearts melt and even the evilest of men falter. Together, they were harmony.

Out of no where, perhaps out of the mists or maybe even the clouds, a form appeared on the plain. Translucent as it was, it was difficult to make out, but the long muzzle and shaggy tail were indicators enough as to what it was. If you were to compare its size to a mountain it would still be considered large, but its most noticeable feature were its eyes. Ancient and fathomless, they were not translucent like the body, but terrible and very real. Their color was that of the sun, and were it not for the lack of sunlight, they could indeed be mistaken as such.

The wolf turned towards the king and started after him, its massive paws leaving behind no indent or sign that something so big had just touched there. Within moments the spirit reached the rider and joined him on his long journey northward.

The flutes would continue to play and the rain continue to fall, but there was only was thing that was certain as the two traveled the empty plain: This was a reunion long over due.


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Thu Mar 24, 2016 3:33 pm
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Caesar wrote a review...



hi there

This is not bad. I think it would benefit of more description. The most relevant example is when you dedicate a paragraph to telling us about the king's sadness. I think just saying he hasn't laughed in ages is not as effective as contextualizing it. It looks a bit forced, on paper. Also, it doesn't contribute to my actual knowledge of the character. Anybody could have not laughed in ages, but what makes this specific to your king? It's that whole 'show don't tell thing' I'm sure you've encountered on the website before.

A good way to show emotions or a state of mind is through actions. In this case, the dialogue with his son could be a good way to go about it. That's not to say thoughts have no place in portraying a character, of course. But something more specific is usually best. For example here, the king seeing a flower could lead him to reflect on the fact it was his wife's favorite flower and she would always spend ages looking at them when she had enough strength to walk. This way, we have learned the king cares for his wife, and also that she's sick, or for some reason can't walk now. It's specific and frankly more interesting. Keep in mind mine are just suggestions. Only you can determine what the best way is to go about this is.

Another thing I would use judiciously are descriptors that are too vague. For example, flat, barren and cold plain. The plain could be flat, barren and cold in many ways. What makes your plain unique? Or better still, what does the plain mean to your character? Whenever the background is an excuse to characterize your guy further, I would go for it. Too much is also bad, of course. Forty pages of description of a bridge are unforgivable, even if your name is Tolkien.

The very last paragraph also suffers from this vagueness a bit. I would make it a bit more specific, or try cutting it entirely maybe. It's not really a cliffhanger when I have no idea what's going on in the first place, if you know what I mean.

The meat is pretty solid cut of meat. You just need to work on the cooking times and garnish, as it were. Hopefully I gave you some things to think about, let me know when you post the next installment.




BookWolf says...


Thank you for the review. :) Yes, I've seen the saying show don't tell many times and I understand what you're saying. As for the vagueness, I did that purposefully to add mystery. Perhaps I didn't succeed in that, but that's reason for all the vagueness.

Thanks again. And I'm not certain if I'll continue this. I don't want to force it, but if something comes I'll definitely write it.



Caesar says...


hmm, I don't think an aura of mystery necessarily precludes powerful description. It is true that leaving questions unanswered is a fine way to create mystery, but there are ways to do that which don't require a comment from an all-knowing narrator. For example, describing the familiarity with which the king and the wolf travel, or something like that, would still make me think "oh, do they know each other? what's going on?" but the action would still be firmly within the story, as opposed to a comment from an external narrator. Which is a style, but I don't like it haha



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Thu Mar 24, 2016 9:44 am
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PusheenTheCat wrote a review...



First of I just want to say that this one of those stories that just pulls you in in the first line.But for this one you showed a picture to show what the stories would be based on and I liked those people who do that.

Also it's good because it has all the elements of a good story action,twist (lots of them good) and that is all that a good author like you and me would do.Also I liked where you started,you took the picture and when you first started you started where the picture was and I like that sort of thing.

I also like where you took the story but I think you could add a little more action because you have only a little bit of that,and if you wrote another story to go with this one please tell me because I would want to read it also.

Keep writing but add a little bit more action next time.Also if you do write another story please tell me about that.




BookWolf says...


Thanks for the review and the kind words. ;) My stories/chapters normally have a lot more action, but for this particular one I traded action for mystery. I think I did a good job on adding mystery, but maybe it doesn't show to the reader. If that's the case tell me.

I'm not all the way sure if I'm going to continue this, but if I do I'll tell you. :)




If you have to ask, "Is this cliche?", it probably is.
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