Chapter One
Amelia woke up suddenly, with hot tears streaming down her face. A terrible dream had awoken her, and had obviously stirred the tears from her eyes. Now, it wasn't a nightmare, if that's what your thinking, but it was a wonderful dream. One that promised her the sweet kiss of freedom and love, which she knew she would never get. For she, at the moment, was living the terrible life of slavery. She was crying, because she knew it was never to be.
It was a Spring day, in a gigantic field that seemed to go on forever. It was overflowing with perfect roses of all colors, and the sweetest Honeysuckle you could ever taste. All of these beautiful flowers were framed with the longest, greenest, softest grass you could ever dream of . In this field sat Amelia, picking petals off of a stray daisy and smiling in the sunlight, when she saw someone in the distance. A woman no doubt, one that appeared to be wearing flowing, white robes made from veils. The stranger also seemed to have sun worked skin and shoulder-length brown hair, with Emerald green eyes and a beautiful white smile. It only took a second for Amelia to realize who it was.
"Momma? Momma, is that you?" She shouted to the stranger, tears springing to her eyes. The stranger stopped, then opened her arms wide.
"Momma!" Amelia ran to the figure, feeling the long grass tickle her bare legs and her clean blue dress bounce off of her knees. But right before she embraced the person she had missed for so long, she woke up.
Amelia wiped her wet eyes with her old, stained sleeve, then surveyed the area she was in. She sat in the same cage she had slept in for eight years. It still had its rusted bars, which she could barely see through the thick blackness of the night, its huge chain lock, and the thin, brown, cotton blanket that covered the iron floor. Through the bars, she could make out a few large oak trees that stood before the darkness of a forest.
Before she could figure out which forest, she heard the creaking sound of the rusted hinges opening. She whipped around and saw the ugly faces of Gregory and John peering at her. Gregory is a tall, thin man with a bird-beak nose, eyes so brown they were almost black, and skin that reminded Amelia of tree bark, but peach. John Wint is even uglier with his short, well-fed body, huge squashed nose, and always sweaty brown skin.
"Time to go." John told her, spitting into a nearby bush.
"Go where?" Amelia asked timidly. Gregory bent over and slapped her across the cheek so hard she saw spots dance before eyes.
"I can tell you that you'll probably be meeting the devil where you're going. Now let's go!" Gregory shouted.
Amelia jumped to the ground and quickly followed the two odd men, with fear trembling all through her body.
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hey BookLover33,
I enjoyed your story, but there were a few things that could use a little work. First off I don't think you had to add "would you like to hear about it" and "Well . . ." before you start to tell the reader about the dream. Instead you could nix that part and just keep the first paragraph. Then you could switch over to talking about the dream by treating it like a flash back. Keep everything the way it is except put the part explaining the dream in italics so it tells the reader that it's the main characters thoughts about the dream.
My favorite part about your story is that it's so descriptive. It doesn't feel like you're just telling me about the story but rather that i can see what I'm reading. This is a really big achievement because it's hard to show instead of tell without getting to messy with your writing. So congratulations there.
So other than that I think this story is very interesting and a good read and I look forward to seeing more soon. Good luck and keep writing!
Hello Booklover33 and welcome to YWS!
I'm here to review.
A blurry image of a girl trapped in a rustic cell is all I can imagine. First off, whether it's a nightmare or not- starting with a dream is an overused technique in an introductory chapter. Although I'm not saying it's bad, just that it could have started with a little bit more of originality.
The quoted above is unncessary in my opinion. It's a bit informal and a sudden change of point-of-view. I'm reading the story because I'm intrigued of the dream. I would have read something else if I wasn't, so asking me isn't any helpful to the flow of the story.
The dream is an important part here, and how I wished you could have elaborated it more. How you described the dream was basic and flat, because sometimes it's told and not shown.
Yes, Spring exhibits beautiful flowers and grassy filed, but is that all? For me, description is very powerful, but then again, we don't want to over-do them and bore your readers. Remember, just enough to help your readers formulate their own imagination, and grasp the situation of your story very well.
Imagine yourself in a field: what do you feel? Happy? Free? Can you see the insects such as bees and butterflies around you? the grass tips tickling your legs? and the dress you're wearing?
In the dream, Amelia sees someone and realized it was her mother, but your readers can't- and that is the problem here. What is in the woman that resembled very much to Amelia? Yes the skin and hair was described, how about the facial features? Also, I couldn't really feel any emotions coming out of the story, that it was pretty difficult for me to sympathize the main character. Even if there was, it was bland and unrealistic. For example, Amelia got slapped, wouldn't she already feel like crying? how about the stinging pain? Second, Amelia has been imprisoned for eight years, it's a devastating situation, but why do I feel like it isn't shown here? Because of this, I feel like the main character lacks dimension and personality. If Amelia is sad and tired, let us feel it. Try to show more. Like for example, let us know Amelia's health or her physical condition: dark eyebags or swollen eyes? is she all skin and bones? petite? dry hair? and maybe, does she smells like rust (or oxidized smell) of the prison cell?
Next thing, the story lacks background. I don't know how and why Amelia was locked up in a cell. There were insufficient information, that I was literally scratching my head in confusion. I know this is the first chapter (and the first part!) and I'm not saying to dump all information here in one page, but just let us know the situation more. I also want to know the time setting and location of the plot. Is this set in modern times? or during 1980s or older?
Grammar wise, I can sense you're struggling very well. (But who doesn't, anyway? I am still struggling with English since it is not my first language.) I could spot some few errors here and there, so how about proof-reading your story and edit it? One of the mistakes I have noticed is related with your dialogue punctuation.
"Time to go, freak." John told her, spitting into a nearby bush.
That should be a comma since the the speech tag (such as "told her") refers to what he is saying.
So that should be like this:
"Time to go, freak," John told her, spitting into a nearby bush.
To know more about it, here is a good article by JFW1415 Dialogue Punctuation
Lastly, I'm quote confused as to why Gregory and John were given full names but the main character wasn't? Are they really important to the story? If not, the story shouldn't be focusing much to them. If so, then they could have been sprinkled with little info and depth.
All in all, I think what you're offering right now is not a bad start. But just as what I have stated before, this could be much improved. Try organizing the story as well and add depth and details to your character, location, and the plot, most importantly. I know I may have been a bit harsh but everything is based solely on my opinions. This is not to discourage you but would hopefully help you, from my suggestions and advice. I hope this review was helpful, and I apologize if ever you see this review vague since it's been a lot of months the last time I reviewed a story here.
And oh, one last thing. Here is a good article by CastlesInTheSky "Show Don't Tell".
PM me or let me know if you have any questions. ^^
Keep writing and peace out,
Yuri