Hey Book! I don't normally review a lot of novels, but I really liked this one and wanted to leave you a quick little review
keeperofgaming already pointed out a lot of grammar, so I can focus on what I liked about this piece instead! I found your first sentence to be very intriguing . It has a good hook!
“Alexander, abandon ship,” shouts the admiral on the intercom,“you're ship is going to blow.”
Staring with an 'abandon ship' sentence really got my attention! As we continue on, I noticed that this piece was written in first person. I find that is something that is challenging to fo in novel writing, sometimes, so I have to say good job for that! Pacing can be difficult in first person so I sure admire all of the work you put into this.
I have the responsibility of twenty-four lives along with my own and if I can't save the ship I will at least save them.
I want to learn about who our character is. They sound like a very noble person who wants to save others over themself. I would love to see more visual details about the setting of where they are. What do the waves look like and the sky and the other people? I would love to see more of that
Okay, so this plot twist was AMAZING! I was not expecting this at all!
The rotting hands surround me and pull me into the darkness…
I sit up in bed. That is the fourth nightmare I've had since his disappearance. Why, oh why did dad chose to go on that mission.
But it was all just a drea, phew! That explains why things got so wild back there!
Another thought. Josephs conversation with his mother felt a little rushed to me. She mentiuions the fact that his dad was proclaimed dead a few days ago, but this all happens in one sentence:
“Your dad has been missing for three weeks and proclaimed dead for a days. We don't know what happened to him but William’s is definitely holding something from us. Now eat up quickly before your bus arrives. You're Sister is already waiting out there.”
I would love to see more of this conversation! I think expanding it and having some back and forth dialogue could really help us learn more about her character and his character. They could also mention more about the dad- was he a good guy or was he mean to them? How does the mom feel?
I love the eerie ending to this piece! I really hope that you will be posting the next part soon. Overall, I found this engaging and I love the plot.
Take care! Your friend,
Ellie
Points: 62713
Reviews: 631
Donate