The moment I arrived I knew. I don’t know how I knew I just did. I didn’t see anything it was just a feeling. A feeling of death, the place was cold and dark, it didn’t exactly smell but I knew, I knew that there used to be a smell. It lingered in the air as if it were a physical being. As I stepped further into that place of death, I stopped, there was something in there. I spun around, looking for something, anything that could help me pinpoint where it was. There was nothing, no sound, no shadow just empty darkness. I couldn’t even remember why I was there. I had felt a sort of pull when I had walked past the house, as if I had been there at some point in my life, which in fact was not that long at all, only 13 short years. I looked around once more to make sure that there was nothing there before I took another step into the house. A shadow flashed across the edge of my vision, I spun around just in time to see it disappear around the corner. My heart pounded in my ears, the breath in my lungs seemed to vanish without a trace. I wanted to run but I couldn’t stop myself, I followed the creature around the corner and found myself in a huge, high-ceilinged room full of round tables with chair set at equal intervals around them. At the top of the room there was a stage, on the stage there stood a magnificent beast. It stood high and proud, it was at least 16 feet tall with big arms that bulged with muscle, it was covered head to toe in black fur. In its mouth was what looked like a small girl. When it saw me it dropped onto all fours and placed the girl gently on the ground, it may have looked like an act of kindness had I not been able to see the blank look on her face and the blood that stained its teeth. It stared at me for a moment and then began to walk towards me with confident strides. When it was approximately five feet away from me it stopped and just stared. I thought my life was over and I was ready, this seemed like a good way to die. I stared into it eyes and I knew, I don’t know how I knew I just did. I knew he was sorry. And then he pounced.
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139,732 Literary Works • 672,669 Reviews
Hi there!
Nice cliffhanger at the end. I think the story built up well until the point where the beast pounces. It's cool how your main character is standing up to the beast, ready to die. That's bravery there.
First, I'd like to say is that there seems to be a great lack of correct punctuation in this piece. This is especially apparent at the beginning. I quoted some spots so you can get an idea
*alright, instead of going through and littering this with red corrections, I figured I would rewrite it for you here:
"The moment I arrived, I knew. I don't know how I knew, I just did. I didn't see anything; it was just a feeling. The place was dark and cold, death lingering in the air. It didn't exactly smell like anything, but there used to be a smell; I knew."
This may not be exactly what you were envisioning, but I think it flows better written this way. You can use this or just take my advice and add some commas. Or you could just ignore it, I really don't care. I'm trying to help you make this piece better.
Secondly, I'm not really feeling the whole horror thing after reading this. It takes great writing to cause readers fear. I know that you're capable of it so wow me! Add some more details about how the main character is feeling. Tell me more about the creepy house. Make my skin crawl by describing the roar of the beast as it leaps. Give me more details.
Overall this is a good start. I think with a few added details and a lot more feeling, this can be a great piece.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey!
Umaima here to review your submission today!
"It lingered in the air as if it were a physical being"
It should be was instead of were here
"it may have looked like an act of kindness had I not been able to see the blank look on her face and the blood that stained its teeth"
This is real confusing, try to make it clear. I can't quite understand it.
"I don’t know how I knew I just did"
You should put a comma after 'I knew'
Overall this was really good. I could understand clearly what it meant and enjoyed reading it. It didn't have many mistakes and that was another great thing. I would give this an 8 on 10 if I had to rate it!
Keep writing and you might just get really great at it. I hope to see more of your works in the future. Good luck
Hope this helped and I know I say this in every review but Whatever I wrote here in this review are just my opinions, you might take it or leave, it's up to you.
Happy review day!
So what is this beast? is it real or fiction.you dont have to come out and say it but put in hints so the reader will know what is on your mind. and why is this character going to die? what did he do?
The beast is what she imagined her worst nightmare to be. It was the thing that she knew was coming that is why she was drawn to the house. She is going to die because it is what she wanted, she no longer knew what her life was meant to be for. I'm sorry that it wasn't clear in the story, I wrote it on the train and I didn't really know what was going to happen.