A Sentence of a New Life – Prologue
Scene: Ballroom in London, England.
In a regal ballroom, on a sultry night, a young woman stood next to a French window, gazing out at the dimly lit garden. She rested her head on the wooden frame, sighing softly, and taking a deep breath of the sweet smelling air. Around her white throat was a thin gold chain with a simple locket attached. Pink roses were placed charmingly in her fair hair, and her face had a sweet, shy look.
Emily shivered slightly, and pulled her thin shawl closer around her, the skirts of her simple but elegant silk dress rustled as she moved towards a basket of flowers against a wall. She glanced around the room casually, and caught the frank gaze of a young man who was across the room, leaning against a marble pillar. She held his eyes with her own for a minute, then blushed at her forwardness and turned away, casting down her lashes modestly.
I wonder who he is.... She thought, twirling a pretty iris flower in her hands, as she admired the woodwork and stone floor of the room.
The hum of the crowd and the pleasant sounds of clinking glasses and cutlery from another room, heralded dinner, and a general move towards the dinning room caught her in the flow. Someone brushed past her rudely, crushing the skirt of her dress, and breaking the iris She frowned, but held her head up as the rather plump and florid gentleman, with his wig slipping over one ear, turned around and apologised profusely and a little loudly, to a rather distantly cool recipient.
"My dear, I am ever so sorry. My name is John and please allow me to escort you to dinner, Miss..?"
"Emily Taylor, sir." the flustered man blurted out, bowing slightly. Emily shuddered as his plump hand grasped her elbow and guided her to the table, leaving a wake of disapproving glances, and more crushed skirts.
Emily sighed, and dared not lift her head as the well meaning if overbearing adorer started eating noisily. The table was loaded with good food. Stuffed turkey, mounds of mashed potatoes, delicate greens, fresh fruit, and many pies of all sorts. A glass of champagne was in front of her, but she didn’t touch it. With John nudging her sharply with his elbow every time he wanted to emphasise something he said, and a quiet, bored young lady on her other side, she didn’t noticed when the young man of the earlier acquaintance, settled into a chair across from her.
Emily picked at her food, tasting nothing, and was resting her head in her hand despondently, waiting for dessert, and trying to ignore the boring and repetitive self praise of her partner, when she overheard a conversation between two middle-aged wives, who were gossiping behind her.
“My dear, see that young man just there? Well, I’ve heard he has four thousand a year for income, and he’s going into the army soon.”
“You don’t say!”
“His father is in India, and is a great influence on the mines over there. Quite a good catch for any young lady, and I wouldn’t be surprised if my Eliza...”
The rest of the conversation passed over Emily’s head, but the news made her curious, and she lifted her head, only intending to see if she could spot the ‘good catch’ and again she caught the gaze of that young man she had seen earlier. She blinked, and searched his face,
Could this be the young man they were talking about? She wondered, wringing her hands nervously in her lap, and quickly looking to see that no one had noticed her discomfort. He smiled at her, and nodded his head, then turned to his neighbour and started discussing something, while it was Emily’s turn to stare at him. He was tall, fair, with broad shoulders and an honest looking face, with a handsome smile. She caught her breath, and then scolded herself silently.
Don’t be silly, Emily, why would he take notice of you? You're nothing but a merchants daughter, with two hundred pounds a year when you're married...
After dinner, John begged for a dance, so she agreed, silently loathing his fat, sweaty hands around her waist. He twirled her around, treading on her toes, and then begging for forgiveness before stumbling around again. After the first dance, he waddled off to drink with some other men in the lounge, and she sighed with relief as she sat on a chair and fanned herself with her program.
A rose had strayed out of its place in her hair, and she fixed it up with trembling fingers, the program slipping from her hand onto the floor. Before she could react, the young man who she had noticed before, dashed across the floor, and picked up the program, before gracefully handing it to her with a low bow. She quickly put a hand over her mouth, trying not to giggle, as some of the other young women looked at her enviously.
“Thank you,” she whispered softly, her eyes sparkling as she tucked the program into her waist band. The young man sat next to her, and after a few desultory comments on the weather etc, asked if she had been to the country lately. She replied that she had indeed done so, and there followed an animated discussion on the different counties, until Emily realised she had forgotten herself – after receiving a disapproving nod from her mother, and rather abruptly stopped talking. The young man looked a little confused, but recovered, and asked if she would dance. Emily nodded, her cheeks pink, and let him hold the tips of her gloved hand as they walked onto the dance floor.
As the waltz started, she marvelled at the grace and skill of his dancing.
A far cry, indeed, from John...she thought, laughing gaily, as her partner swung her around, nearly lifting her off her feet. He flashed his smile at her again, and Emily felt her heart pounding in excitement.
“You’re...you’re...a good dancer, Sir” she said, puffing slightly, as the waltz slowed a bit.
“Thank you miss, you are too...and also a pretty one” he said, winking at her. Emily blushed, and pulled back slightly. The young man laughed and spun her around again, and she collapsed on a seat, laughing, her hair flying, and her skirt looking worse than ever.
“Oh my, that was fun! But, I fear mama will dissaprove if I dance too much.” She said, her eyes still sparkling at the memory of that dance, as she discreetly smoothed down her ruffled appearance, and tried to look a bit more ladylike.
Her partner nodded seriously. He sat himself down in front of her, resting his arms on the gilt chair.
“What trade is your father in?” He inquired, leaning forward slightly, and a lock of hair fell over his forehead. Emily wanted to brush it back, be she refrained from doing so, and instead, raised her eyebrows, and then replied, “Well, after getting an apprenticeship as a clerk for a merchant in the harbour, he decided to go into the business himself, so now he has over twenty warehouses in England, and he sells flour, wool, linen, and other goods, to overseas merchants.”
“I see...and what about your history? Any great, fighting men?” he asked, chuckling
“Why do you want to know?” she asked, looking suspicious, and moving away from him slightly.
“Oh, just wondering...do go on” he said, encouraging her.
“Very well...Mr Taylor - my father, - his side goes back a fair way, with tradesmen and merchants, until my grandfather married well, and she helped get our family into society, and we managed to become more well off...but of course we were never poor in the first place” she said hurriedly, blushing.
“There, does that satisfy you?” She said, looking primly down her nose at him.
“Yes, quite. Now...” The young man was going to continue, but a page boy dashed into the room, shouting “A message for Mr Taylor...urgent!”
Mr Taylor handed the page a tip, then quickly opened the letter, and read it silently. His face went white, and he looked around, with a stricken countanance, then clutched at his heart and fell to the ground. The room became a confusion of people shouting for a doctor, and rushing around, getting in each others way. Emily jumped up, startled, and screamed, then rushed to her father. She pushed her way through the crowd around him, and dropped to her knees, taking his hand
“Oh father, can you hear me?” she pleaded, smoothing the hair from his sweaty forehead. He moaned, and tossed his head from side to side, mumbling incoherently. Some men with stretchers came in, and took him away, and left the family sobbing together, with shock and confusion. The young man was going to leave quietly, but he spotted the note that had caused all this trouble. It had become crushed under many feet, but he smoothed it out and read aloud:
‘Dear Mr Taylor,
I have bad news; I fear this will shock you.
All twenty warehouses have been burnt to the ground.
Someone had lit them deliberatly, and it must have been a well coordinated attack.
Nothing recovered.
All is lost.
Your unhappy servant,
Benjamin Oak.’
Mrs Taylor gasped, and nearly fainted; the housewife sat her down, and got out her smelling salts. The stricken woman sniffed, and made a face, then almost shrieked “Is that what it says...oh no, we are all ruined! We can’t keep our house, because of debts, that we were going to pay this year! Oh it’s too bad!”
Emily had covered her face with her hands. A servant gathered their things together, and handed them to the shaken women. Mrs Taylor was in shock, and Emily knew she should get her in bed as quickly as possible.
Emily took a last look at the grand building, before stumbling down the steps to the waiting carriage. The young man had been pacing backwards and forwards, till he stopped in front of her.
”I am very sorry. Please accept my deepest sympathy and I bid you goodbye” he bowed low, then went back inside, with one last look behind him. Emily waved slowly, then started crying again, as the carriage moved off
I didn't even get his name...
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There...what do you think? I thought I'd better do a prologue, because everyone was asking why Emily and Thomas were so close already.... ^_^ lol...anyway...here it is!
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,849 Reviews
Maybe back further than that, but anyway, I'm going to leave it how it is, ok?
Are you going to look at chapter 5?
Woman's job- make babies. That's it. No other purpose in life.
Emily tells the young man about it....
Right....she was hysterical, so she didn't really think about what she was saying, so she just blurted out the first thing that came to her mind about the trouble, or whatever....
Why wouldn't she?
Well, if they put gunpowder in every warehouse, then it would be done at once, by people against the Kings/Queens trading channels...
Lol, thanks...I put it in because I'd loathe it if someone did that to me...
Thanks very much for that, Sam
Good idea, although then it will make it harder to keep the historical events accurate...
Thanks
Thats ok. I'm not sure about it either...ok, some more reasearch to do! I just needed to look like he was a bit flustered etc
Good point...I'll work something out for that...
Yeah, I like doing scenes like that
Thanks very much for that, Sam and DFC, I really appreciate you commenting on this
[pre]
Perhaps you should add a date here, like 20 October, 1898. Just to nail the setting down and really make it accurate. I really love this paragraph. I'm a sucker for descriptions and this moment stands out so vividly in my head. Well done!The one thing I noticed- wait, what just happened?
) It's too bland.
Right. I didn't really notice anything, which isn't a good thing, especially since this is a truly life changing (at least I think) section. Why? The note.
1. Why would they care about warehouses? I didn't know that they had some sort of business going.
2. The whole section surrounding it is really slow, but then you pop us with this: '“Is that what it says...oh no, we are all ruined! We can’t keep our house, because of debts, that we were going to pay this year! Oh it’s too bad!”' Which makes it sound like in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory where Augustus is about to fall into the river. (You know..the "No. Don't. Stop." thing?
2a. The woman would have no idea about the money.
3. If all twenty warehouses were burnt in one night and no one noticed, it goes without saying that it was probably choreographed beforehand.
Right-o. Sorry if I sound like I totally hated it...just that one section angered me.
'After dinner, John begged for a dance, so she agreed, silently loathing his fat, sweaty hands around her waist. '
Ah...now that made me cringe. It was an awesome description, and you made it truly maddening since we know that she's in discomfort but she's too highly bred and good to say something about it. Eeek...
'“You’re...you’re...a good dancer, Sir” she said, puffing slightly, as the waltz slowed a bit. '
I liked that too. You made them both seem unbelievable...but then you make her just a teensy bit awkward. It works perfectly.
Mmm...good (old, haha, no joke) historical fiction, my friend. I shall have to go and read the rest.
Thanks Niobe
I fixed it up.... I really appreciate everyones critiques and comments, as its helping me to continue writing this 
"Allow me, to escort you to dinner. Oh, and my name is John" -- The gentleman should introduce himself first and he should call her 'Miss' because people were meant to be polite to each other in the Victorian society (from lower class to the high).
Maybe you could have something like this, (this is just an idea):
"My dear, I am ever so sorry. My name is John and please allow me to escort you to dinner Miss..?"
"Emily Taylor, sir."
If you indicated a year when this story is set then you could research into what type of dress/suit was worn at that time. It might be a crinoline that she is wearing with a wide skirt and many underskirts/petticoats.
"You're...you're...a good dancer" she said, puffing slightly, as the waltz slowed a bit. -- She should finish off with 'Sir' as I said above ^^
The letter needs a little more detail and I think the ending was rushed. Mr. Taylor should do something to emphasize the shock, maybe he looks around at the luxury/wealth that he may never see again, maybe he cries, tries to say something and then falls to the floor.
I'll get onto the rest now, it was a good read as I love the Victorian Era.
Thanks, Carmina and Ieatworms!!!
I really apreciate it.
Well...how about I change the amout of warehouses to about 20....and that might sound a bit better.
it would be too much into the one sentence....
Yeah, I realise I need more detail on the Victorian side of it, and I'll fix that up as soon as I can. I thought I'd better describe Emily first, so everyone sought of got an idea of her. I'm glad everyone likes this story. Because no one was commenting on it, I thought it might be because it was a flop...but I want to write more now
How do I put any more description into the dress? I can't exactly put, 'the skirts of her simple but elegant silk dress with a low neckline and full skirt' etc...
This feels very Jane-Austin. I imagine that it is going to belong in the romance section, assuming something in stirring between Emily and the hunk.
You picked up the pace very well, but the beginning felt weighed down by too many descriptive words. Not every noun needs an adjective; not every verb needs an adverb.
" She rested her head on the (wooden) frame, sighing (softly), and taking a (deep) breath of the (sweet) smelling air. Around her (white) throat was a (thin) (gold) chain with a (simple) locket attached. (Pink) roses were placed (charmingly) in her (fair) hair, and her face had a (sweet), (shy) look. "
Your word choice is excellant, and helps establish the Victorian feel of this piece. It's just too much too soon. In this particular case, describing just the sigh, the air, and her face would probably cut it. As you moved into more events and dialogue, your word to modifier ratio improved.
You did a good job establishing Emily's sweetness and niavete, and the man's yumminess. Not knowing Emily's last name name was Taylor, this part needed a second read before it was clear:
“A message for Mr Taylor...urgent!”
Mr Taylor handed the page a tip, then quickly opened the letter, and read it silently. His face went white, and he clutched at his heart and fell to the ground. The room became a confusion of people shouting for a doctor, and rushing around, getting in each others way. Emily jumped up, startled, and screamed, then rushed to her father. She pushed her way through the crowd around him, and dropped to her knees, taking his hand
I thought the man was Mr. Taylor, and that Emily rushed to her father for comfort. I'm sure if I had read straight through to the next few lines, all would have been cleared up. But, I didn't. Since this is so pivital a moment, you might want to make it more clear.
I agree that the likelihood of all 40 warehouses being completely burned down is pretty sketchy. Even if, say, 14, were burned down, or some were saved through the efforts of the workers, the financial loss would still be enough to bring on the heart attack (and inspire hunk to be a knight in shining armor, which is where I think this is going.
I like how you very quickly laid the groundwork: the place, the characters, the trouble, the sparks.
My biggest complaint: "I’ll never see him again, and I didn't even get his name... " I'm sure I've heard this before. And, It's just too much. I think one statement or the other would get the feeling of loss and astrangement out just fine. I'd probably go with "I didn't even learn his name," if that missing piece of information is going to be important later.
More, please.
I think it belongs in the romance section. Although, this is a prologue and as I have read the rest, it might go in a different direction. To accurately reflect teh Victorian time period, I think you need more detail. The fashion for instance, "the skirts of her simple but elegant silk dress" This could really describe a dress from many time periods. Describing more detail (waistline, full skirt or straight, high neck on the bodice or low) would help. Also, the man described as wearing a wig, it conjured up for me the powdered white colonial era wig, not Victorian. Just some ideas.
On another note, I had a question about characterization. Emily seems to be well-bred and concerned with making proper appearances. She is concerned with her mother thinking her improper to be dancing too much with one man etc. So, I was a bit puzzled by this line, "Emily picked at her food, tasting nothing, and was resting her head in her hand despondently." Her mother would scold her to the ends of the earth for bad posture and lack of proper table ettiquette. Also, I am not sure if a proper Victorian lady would give out so much personal family history without even getting the name of hte gentleman she was talking to. Especially the part about an ancestor marrying money. It would be couched in more delicate tones. For instance,"until my grandfather decided to marry a very rich woman" might be phrased as, "My grandfather married well." Or, "My grandfather was fortunate enough to marry above his station." Something like that. I don't know.
I'm not going to nit-pick grammar, because someone has already done that.
I am not completely sure about the title. I think I'd have to read more.
On the whole I enjoyed this prelude to a story. It is not my usual genre, and just when it was starting to lose my attention, the letter arrives. I liked that change in mood. I was a bit confused when the page (where they still called page-boys in Victorian times? History isn't my thing) comes in and asked for Mr. Taylor. I didn't know if Mr. Taylor was the gentleman she was talking to and that is whar interupted the conversation. It wasn't until 4 sentences later that it is revealed that Mr. Taylor is Emily's father. Maybe to clear this up, she can actually give her family names when talking about her family history earlier? Anyway, I am curious to read the rest of this.
Ok, I fixed those errors up
Should this be moved to the Romantic section??? 
I'm not sure...
Anyway, more comments would be appreciated, and I'll post the fourth chapter soon
Well, Nefer told you kind of everything you needed to know.
I really don't believe that this could happen, even if it was in the Victorian time. Then again, I have never lived that age and they probably didn't have a phone... Hmm..
Thanks, Nefer
I'll fix those up as soon as I can. I appreciate the critques, because now I know what to work on next time.
I don't think 'narrow' is the right word to describe the thinness of a chain, it would be better to say instead: a thin gold chain.
No need for a capital letter.
Again there is no need for the capitals.
This would read better if you changed it to two sentences rather than one long sentence. How about having a full stop after 'sweaty hands around her waist'.
Something is missing there. Is it 'the young man who she had noticed before' or 'the young man who had noticed her before'?
A comma needs to be added after 'you'.
Missing full stop after 'dancing'.
Corrections: disapprove, much.
Missing full stop after 'incoherently'.
It's not actually quite believable that all forty warehouses were burnt but if it was deliberately started then I guess it is very believable.
Missing full stop after 'her'.
Right, I'm guessing the 'young man' is Tom the solider?
Now I have a more clear idea of why Emily might have stolen. I thought she was from a poor family but after reading this I know that she had in fact been from a middle class family.
I liked the descriptions but somehow it didn't really feel like the Victorians Age. You did mention the clothes, the ball/dinner party, mines in India but there seemed to be something missing to actually suggest it was the Victorian Age. You need to work a little more on this.
Apart from that I liked it.
EDIT: For now the title is fine but as we read more I might have a different suggestion.