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Monster wars: The Werewolf versus the Gargoyle

by Boluk


Werewolf Bio: a young man walks in the woods. His eyes meet the Shiny full moon. All is well until...Fur grows form his body,and his bones shift and crackle into their new form. His skull painfully stretches into a wolf skull. He screams a bloodcurdling scream as his fingers and toes Break into place and turn into claws. The man tries to call for help but all that comes out is a loud howl. The man's wife comes out of her house to see what's wrong.  Unfortunately for the poor woman her once normal husband is now a werewolf! The werewolf attacks the woman. The woman screams and tried to run away. keyword being tried, as the werewolf digs his claws into her soft stomach the woman lets out a bloodcurdling scream....followed by another scream and another...until...silence. Another victim has fallen prey to the werewolf.              

Human Bio:    When Ronald Whetiv was 16 he befriended a group of much older kids, said kids weren't really his friends but actually people who would use him for their own enjoyment. eventually they got sick of dealing with him so they told him to stay inside a supposedly haunted forest for an entire day. in the forest he got attacked by a really big wolf.when his parents found him he was bleeding like crazy. surprisingly they didn't take him to a hospital. they believed that Jesus would heal him, at night Ronald would be howling at the moon and growing fur. It was quite odd for him since he felt that he was never in control when he slept and would never remember what he did at night. His parents soon realized exactly what he was so they kicked him out.

When he was 28 he got a job as a publisher, there he worked with Cindy Maklemore an aspiring author. they fell in love and he told her his secret. she didn't care as she believed that hopefully there was a way he could control his urge. anyway they settled down and had a daughter. things were nice and peachy until one day Ronald forgot to cover himself with silver one night and he killed Cindy. His daughter dealt with her mothers painful death the only way she could, getting really drunk at a pool party.there everyone was murdered from a loose wire falling into the pool. When Ronald got to the crime scene he witnessed a flying stone like creature carrying off with a purple bracelet. His daughter's purple bracelet.   

Abilities: super strength, super speed, extreme eyesight, amazing accuracy.

Endurance: can take blunt force and a little bit of small pistols.

Weaknesses: silver, guns, fire, and  objects that have a lot of force  like a weight dropping on you or a grenade 

Gargoyle Bio : High atop a building lies a  grey creature. The creature didn't look like a regular living thing one would see. It looks like something of pure fiction. It had bat ears and wings along with a pig face  with rows of sharp viscous teeth. this creature was none other but a gargoyle, A statue that becomes sentient the second it gets shrouded in the darkness of the night sky.  The gargoyle hunched  over  and very slowly flapped its wings. Luckily when the gargoyle was airborne it was much faster than it was on ground much like how a turtle is faster underwater.  Eventually the gargoyle came over a  a small house that had  a pool party in the backyard. The gargoyle picked up a satellite dish next to it and threw it in the pool. The satellite was connected so it electrocuted everyone in the pool killing them instantly. The gargoyle laughed and clapped its hand like it was watching an interesting movie. The  creature then ripped apart the cord and stopped the electricity. The gargoyle flew in the pool to feast. Three other  gargoyles came in  (since the majority of the time their are about three gargoyles on a building) and ate alongside their ally. 

Abilities super strength, flight,  night vision, and camouflage. and always attacks with others.

Durability: Skin is completely immune to outright psychical harm, and fall damage

Weaknesses: pretty slow, doesn't have much intelligence, and has a  weakness to water, along with its other colds forms like ice or frost.

Setting:  museum  on the full moon. 

           Now lets let the battle begin

                         

A young man with golden  blonde hair was entering a museum. the museum looked like something out of the dark ages with its huge grey brick castle like appearance.The man looked creepy. He had nappy, frizzled hair, a pretty big scar on his left eye that would never appear to blink, and smelled like a wet dog.  before the man could enter a  group of young women were standing in front of him blocking his way into the museum. the women were whining  about how inaccurate the museum was for having its monsters look ugly and scary instead of sexy and hot. " i hate how they said that vampires are evil and monstrous" one girl said. " I know right, everyone knows that  vampires sparkle." another girl said in a nasally and generally annoying voice. "excuse me please" the man softly said. the girls took on look  at him an screamed their heads off before running away in fear. a night guard followed the noise and witnessed the strange man in his corpse like state.The night guard  cautiously walked towards the man. his breath reeked of alcohol and drugs "What's your name sir? the night guard asked.The man froze  trying to remember." Ronald" he said "Ronald Whetiv. " well then sorry Ronald  but your going to have to come with me" the night guard said.  whispered into Ronald's ear. "now listen here asshole I have to go in there its my anniversary! Ronald shouted before  pushing the night guard. the night guard took out his baton and hit Ronald in the stomach. Ronald strangled the night guard. the night guard's body went limp. Ronald shuffled the night guard's body behind a bush, before finally entering the museum. " and this is a clay recreation of the "Wolf Man from the famous film "The wolf man" Directed by George Wagner." a voice happily said. Ronald followed the direction of the voice and came across  a museum worker talking to a few people with VIP passes. right above the clay statue was a sign that said  " What could stop this bloodthirsty behemoth?!" in bold  red letters with plastic blood at the bottom of it  giving it the appearance that the letters were bleeding. The man scowled at the statue. " were not all like that" he thought.  "Oh who am I kidding, if that were true Cindy would still be here" Ronald remembered his beloved  Cindy as one of about five other people who could keep his secret. He let out a long sigh and paced around the room, Ronald's phone beeped. Ronald took it out  and noticed he got a reminder. It read: there will be a full moon tonight. Ronald let out a gasp and dropped his phone before frantically running around the room Ronald dropped his phone and sprinted to the exit. Unfortunately, another VIP crowd were blocking the door, Ronald tried to punch and kick his way out but his efforts proved fruitless as the group walked right over him. Ronald crawled out from underneath the crowd and dusted himself off. "Wait a minute?" He thought "this museum is tall as hell so if I get to the top and jump off  I will rid this world of one less werewolf. That alone could  make a difference"  with ending himself on his mind  Ronald ran up the metal stairwell As fast as his legs could carry him, and in a few seconds he reached the top.When he finally got to the top  noticed  this and immediately tried to run out of the museum but

The man was constantly twitching like a schizophrenic on every energy drink in the world. the weird man man looked at a fossil of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and sighed. The man then took out a small purple ring. "This was where I  got married to Cindy"  The man said as tears streamed down his face. "Why did I have to have this curse, Why god why!" Ronald  screamed at the top of his lungs, scaring everybody else i the room.  "sir have you been drinking. A museum worker asked. "Yes of course it's the only way to stop the pain" Ronald replied.

Ronald turned to look at the worker  and accidentally looked at the full moon through the window behind the worker. The man started  howling as his body slowly shifted. Before someone could try to help him a stone gargoyle crashed through the window and kicked the worker away. The gargoyle ran at the blonde man and picked him up. The blonde man  tried to punch and kick the gargoyle, but his efforts  proved fruitless as the gargoyle  tightened his grip and bared his fangs. The  blonde  man slashed the beast with his now werewolf hand. The gargoyle dropped the blonde man who's body just became covered in pitch black fur, his face  elongated, and his muscles grew. That once ordinary 

The gargoyle was frozen in awe as most of its victims were just humans. The werewolf took this moment to  slash  the gargoyle repeatedly. Said slashes weren't having much of an effect The werewolf grabbed the gargoyle by the neck, before slamming its face into the ground. The force of the impact caused the gargoyle to break its nose.  The gargoyle had enough and it slashed  the werewolf down some spiraling stairs. Thinking it had won the gargoyle started  slowly flapping its wings as it was ready to retreat. The werewolf crashed into a metal stair well. 

The werewolf  howled in pain. The gargoyle was frustrated that its enemy wasn't dead. The gargoyle hovered above the spiral stairwell, before stopping and dropping down to the werewolf. The gargoyle hit the werewolf in the throat. The werewolf tried to howl to intimidate gargoyle but all that came out was a croak. The werewolf uppercut the gargoyle.

The werewolf started  smelling something.... something delicious......something sour.....human blood. Sirens blared as cops came rushing  into the museum. One cop pulled out  his gun and shot  at The werewolf  and the gargoyle.  His bullets missed and the werewolf glared at him The werewolf howled in pain and the gargoyle got the tip of its tail shot off. The werewolf brutally slashed the cop and  grabbed him by his neck. The cop reached into his pocket and pulled out pepper s spray. 

The cop sprayed the werewolf and sprinted up the stairs. The gargoyle, the werewolf and the police ran up the stairs. One cop threw a grenade at the gargoyle. The grenade backed off of the gargoyle and exploded. Now the people at the top were trapped. The gargoyle looked at a small young girl in a pink jacket like a fat slob looks at sizzling bacon.

The gargoyle lunged at the girl. The cop tackled the girl and the gargoyle ran into a wall. The gargoyle chomped on the cop's leg and slammed his body on the ground. The werewolf started slashing the gargoyle. The gargoyle tried to block the flurry of punches but failed.The werewolf dug its claws into the gargoyle's shoulder and shoved it through the window over about seventy feet. The gargoyle ripped out  some of the werewolf's teeth.  the werewolf screamed and let go of the gargoyle. The gargoyle hanged  by the the bottom of the window. 

The werewolf kicked the gargoyle off. Finally the beast had won...or so it thought, for before you could say "padding" Two more gargoyles came in and kicked the  werewolf down the stairs. The werewolf accidentally got its hand stuck in a light bulb. The werewolf's hand got caught in the electrical fire. The fire surged the werewolf's body, scorching it. The werewolf jumped around to try and escape the fire but only managed to  accidentally jump  back up the stairs. 

One of the gargoyles lunged at the werewolf. The werewolf was too busy dealing with the fire to notice. In a blind rage of pain the werewolf jumped int the air just as the gargoyle made contact with the werewolf. The werewolf unknowingly punched the gargoyle in the stomach. the fire activated the sprinkler system. The water was like acid to the gargoyle as it's skin started to melt. 

The gargoyle died as it had lived, a useless waste of space. The other gargoyle also died from the water, letting out a bloodcurdling scream before crumbling into dust. Luckily the water healed the werewolf's  wounds. Unluckily the werewolf now couldn't see and the first gargoyle was flying  to the werewolf. The gargoyle caught the werewolf off guard as it body slammed the werewolf. The werewolf sucker punched the gargoyle in the face. The gargoyle was sent flying into a wall. 

The  werewolf tried to attack the gargoyle again but couldn't due to the pain from the fire. The gargoyle  grabbed the werewolf by its hands so the werewolf couldn't attack it. The gargoyle flew into the night sky. The gargoyle used its spiked tail to hit the werewolf repeatedly. The cop weakly hobbled over to the  window and took out a sniper rifle

.  The cop  looked into the chamber" and sighed before muttering "Only one bullet....were screwed."  Suddenly there was a loud fluttering noise followed by a huge  white and blue police helicopter hovered in front of the window. The cop let out a scream of joy and pumped a fist in the air. The helicopter had three people inside it, a female pilot in the front and two other officers in the back holding shotguns.  hovered closer while a person started ordering people to get on the helicopter. people started running over to the window whilst a rope dropped down from the helicopter. Meanwhile the gargoyle  heard the sound of the helicopter's blades and turned around and dived for it. the person in the back of the helicopter saw the gargoyle and werewolf and immediately began to open fire on them. two of the bullets missed but the third one hit the werewolf right in the shoulder. the werewolf let out a sharp cry of pain before loosing his grip and falling. fortunately for him  the gargoyle was going at such a high speed that  the werewolf was sent flying through  the window and hit the wall, cracking it. some people were too scared from what was happening and slipped off of the rope and fell to their unfortunate death. the little girl who was hiding underneath a table  to avoid all the chaos rose from her hiding place and ran over to the cop. Back outside people were still shooting at the gargoyle but he was dodging through an insane combination of luck and sudden speed. The girl looked at one of the people  who were slipping, she was a women and had long flowing black hair. "Mommy!" the girl screamed. The girl's scream had attracted the werewolf who had recently woken up and was now charging towards her, still bleeding profusely. The cop quickly turned around and raised his gun to the beast but before he could fire the werewolf  cracked his ribs with a powerful stomp before jumping off of him and smashing into the helicopter . the werewolf did not want to lose. It wasn't planning to battle, It was planning to kill  cop said furiously as he tried to get a fix on one of the creatures, oping that it was possible to kill both of them in a single shot  "Excuse me mister maybe this will help that boo boo" the young child said very sweetly. The girl walked over to the cop and put the band aid on his aid. "Thanks" the cop said feeling good inside. Now he knew had to take the shot, not just for him but for this little girl. He shot the gargoyle in the hand making it drop the werewolf. The werewolf grabbed the stone behemoth by its wings and pushed upward making the werewolf go into the clouds. 

The gargoyle felt  the  acid like water droplets hit its face it  shreeked . The gargoyle screeched and started becoming desperate to stop the werewolf, so it stabbed the werewolf in the back repeatedly until..."scritttch!" The gargoyle made a huge gash in the werewolf's back. The werewolf started losing its grip, while the gargoyle started shaking and trying to throw it off. The werewolf threw a powerful uppercut in the gargoyle's jaw, launching it into the air. The gargoyle got colder and colder as ice surrounded its arms and legs

. eventually the creature's arms and legs broke off. The gargoyle felt its life slowly being steeped away. As the gargoyle fell its wings broke off. Now it was just a dying body. The werewolf  needed a plan if it wanted to do the final blow. 

The werewolf grabbed the wings and impaled the gargoyle with them. The gargoyle knew it was going to die, but it wanted to take the werewolf with it, as it bit the werewolf in its arm and didn't let go. The werewolf then realized something, in  about 23 seconds it  would crash into the pond.

With that in mind the werewolf used its non free hand to pull out the gargoyle's tongue before jumping off and hitting the ground with a hard thud with only a few scrapes and bruises. The gargoyle on the other hand fell into the pond with a huge "splosh!!" Before disintegrating into nothing. The werewolf  just  fell into unconsciousness while its body regenerated. Maybe the human on the inside would be crippled until the next full moon, maybe that person will die a slow death from their wounds. One thing is for sure. This battle has been won.                                                                      

           

           Winner: The werewolf 

                                              


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7 Reviews


Points: 56
Reviews: 7

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Sun Oct 28, 2018 3:33 am
varada6467 wrote a review...



The story just made my day... I also thought of writing these kinds of write-ups. But I am still a newbie. Working on my first book, it seems easy to just read out your story. But only some people would think of how you created your plot, it clearly needs some thinking.

And now about the review, the positives are more than the negatives I could count.
Your text to the reader is obviously very attractive, and you seem to be a professional writer by the language that you have used. Your description for every character is detailing everything, it's not too long and not even too short. It matches up to any chapter from famous books.

The one and the only thing that confused me a little was the start of the main text. I would rather mention the text to you and write down my queries regarding all that I found strange. (no offence) It was:

So a man enters a pitch black museum. So what you wanna say is that it's closed. Then, either a second man is in the museum, or it's just the first man. Your writing doesn't specify which. The man has bullet holes, yes, and they start to heal. That's somewhat confusing, as you didn't say the werewolf had a regenerative factor, or that said unnamed factor could work in a human state. Then, a crowd takes(?) him to the top of the museum. So the roof? Or on the second floor. And wasn't the museum closed? Why else would it be pitch black? Then how is there a crowd present in a pitch black museum?

Except for this confusion, your story is perfect with all the hooks placed on the wall.




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74 Reviews


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Reviews: 74

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Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:04 am
Thundahguy wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Thundahguy, and I was a sucker for death battle a while back. Here's my review:

So, an unconventional type of story. Kind of digging it. Not really. But still, it's a good attempt. Let's try and go through this paragraph by paragraph.

A young man with blonde hair entered into a pitch black museum. The man looked weird. He had frizzled hair and what looked to be battle scars. Bullet holes riddled his back. However the holes started to slowly get smaller and smaller. " the man noticed this and immediately tried to run out of the museum but got blocked by incoming crowd taking him upstairs to the top of the museum.

So a man enters a pitch black museum. So it's closed. Then, either a second man is in the museum, or it's just the first man. Your writing doesn't specify which. The man has bullet holes, yes, and they start to heal. That's somewhat confusing, as you didn't say the werewolf had a regenerative factor, or that said unnamed factor could work in human state. Then, a crowd takes(?) him to the top of the museum. So the roof? Or the second floor. And wasn't the museum closed? Why else would it be pitch black?

The man was constantly twitching man looked at a fossil of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and sighed. The man then took out a small purple ring. "This was where I got married to Cindy" The man said as tears streamed down his face. "Why did I have to have this curse, Why god why!" The man screamed at the top of his lungs, scaring everybody. "Sir I'm going to have to ask you to leave" A museum worker said in front of a window.

So the man's twitching, okay, and then you skip the first part of the next sentence. Also, I don't think that a Tyrannosaurus is the best thing to reflect on about your deceased spouse. It's good characterisation, don't get me wrong, but maybe don't use the skeleton of a hulking beast. Unless it's symbolism, in which case word it a bit differently to make it sound less... literal. And, after reading this I see that the museum is open, but then it wouldn't be pitch black.

The man turned to look at the worker and accidentally looked at the full moon. The man started howling as his body slowly shifted. Before someone could try to help him a stone gargoyle crashed through the window and kicked the worker away. The gargoyle ran at the blonde man. At the last second the man's left arm turned into a werewolf arm and punched the gargoyle away. The rest of the the man's body shifted into werewolf form.

So, the man accidentally sees a full moon. Accidentally? Like, through a window or something? It's not specific enough. Afterwards, the man is slowly turning into a werewolf. Then suddenly, the gargoyle crashes through the window. Because hey, who cares about introductions. The werewolf just got one. Anyways, the gargoyle runs at the not-much werewolf, and then suddenly again, the werewolf's arm forms fully, before the rest of its body, and punches the gargoyle. That's not how werewolf transformations work at all.

The gargoyle was frozen in awe as it had never before seen a werewolf. The werewolf took this moment to pummel the gargoyle repeatedly. The werewolf grabbed the gargoyle by the neck, before slamming its face into the ground. The force of the impact caused the gargoyle to break its nose. The gargoyle had enough and it kicked the werewolf down some spiraling stairs. Thinking it had won the gargoyle started slowly flapping its wings as it was ready to retreat. The werewolf crashed into a metal stair well.

So, the literal animated rock monster is surprised at a wolf? Then, said wolf begins to beat the gargoyle down, before taking its face and slamming it into the ground, breaking its nose. Then, it kicked the werewolf down some stairs. Before the werewolf actually hits anything, the gargoyle is just 'Okay, job done' and begins to fly off? It's very descriptive writing, yes, but it'd help if it was a bit more coherent. The werewolf than slams into the stairwell it fell from? Again, more coherence would be nice.

The werewolf howled in pain. The gargoyle was frustrated that its enemy wasn't dead. The gargoyle hovered above the spiral stairwell, before stopping and dropping down to the werewolf. The gargoyle hit the werewolf in the throat. The werewolf tried to howl to intimidate gargoyle but all that came out was a croak. The werewolf uppercut the gargoyle.

The werewolf howls, and only then does the gargoyle realise the werewolf isn't dead. He screams almost immediately. The main problem with your story is a lack of a coherent timeline. We, as an audience, need to know things in a chronological order. Your story seems to lack that order. The rest of the paragraph is fine. Not outstanding, but fine.

The werewolf started smelling something...human blood. Sirens blared as cops came rushing into the museum. One cop pulled out his gun and shot The werewolf and the gargoyle. The werewolf howled in pain and the gargoyle got the tip of its tail shot off. The werewolf brutally scratched the cop and grabbed the cop by his neck. The cop reached into his pocket and pulled out bear spray.

So, the werewolf smells human blood. But, there's no apparent blood that has been spilt. And then sirens blared. We only need one of these identifiers to introduce the police, not both. A cop pulls out his gun and shoots the two monsters, okay okay, then the werewolf scratches, brutally mind you, the cop and grabs him by the neck. There's no case where a cop can pull out bear spray. Also, bear spray? I hope you mean pepper spray. I'd fear any police force that actively carries around bear spray.

The cop sprayed the werewolf and sprinted up the stairs. The gargoyle, the werewolf and the police ran up the stairs. One cop threw a grenade at the gargoyle. The grenade backed off of the gargoyle and exploded. Now the people at the top were trapped. The gargoyle looked at a small young girl in a pink jacket like a fat slob looks at sizzling bacon.

The cop, who was brutally injured, mind you, sprays the werewolf some more and sprints up the stairs... away from the werewolf. Spray only works a certain distance mind you. Might just be a small error in how I'm interpreting this. Afterwards, everyone chases this lone cop up the stairs. A cop throws a grenade, but... it backs off? Grenades don't back off like the gargoyle tried to square up or something. The last sentence is probably best suited for the next paragraph.

The gargoyle lunged at the girl. The cop tackled the girl and the gargoyle ran into a wall. The gargoyle chomped on the cop's leg and slammed his body on the ground. The werewolf started slashing the gargoyle. The gargoyle tried to block the flurry of punches but failed.The werewolf dug its claws into the gargoyle's shoulder and shoved it through the window over about seventy feet. The gargoyle ripped out some of the werewolf's teeth. the werewolf screamed and let go of the gargoyle. The gargoyle hanged by the the bottom of the window.

The gargoyle lunges at the girl, but the cop tackles(?) her. Maybe pick up, or push out of the way, but tackling sounds like she currently has the football. Then, the gargoyle, who has run into a wall, chomps on the cop's leg. Christ, what is this cop made of, being able to survive both a wild werewolf scratch and gargoyle jaws? The werewolf, who we have no idea where he disappeared to for a moment, slashes at the gargoyle. The next sentence you describe it as a flurry of punches. Stick with claws or fists, not both. Also, 'but failed' is one of the worst descriptive actions you could use. Also, 'window over about 70 feet' is a horrible way to say 70 feet high. Unless it's length. Then that's just plain unrealistic, even for a werewolf vs gargoyle story. The gargoyle, after ripping out the werewolf's teeth, hangs? But doesn't it have wings? Ones that you haven't touched upon yet?

The werewolf kicked the gargoyle off. Finally the beast had won...or so it thought, for before you could say "padding" Two more gargoyles came in and kicked the werewolf down the stairs. The werewolf accidentally got its hand stuck in a lightbulb. The werewolf's hand got caught in the electrcal fire. The fire surged the werewolf's body, scorching it. The werewolf jumped around to try and escape the fire but only managed to accidentally jump back up the stairs.

So, the werewolf kicks the gargoyle with the ability to fly off. You try to do a thing you already did before, saying how a contender 'thinks' they have won. Don't do this more than once, in any fight. It breaks the tension. Next, you add a comment about "padding" that's unnecessary, and more gargoyles come in, with a worse entrance than the first. The gargoyles kick the werewolf down the stairs, and its hand gets... stuck? In a lightbulb? That's... that's not how lightbulb fixtures work. You describe how the werewolf catches fire almost instantly, and the werewolf trying to escape it... jumps back up the stairs?

Quick break here to discuss setting transitions. You've switched between the top and bottom floors nearly 3 times between this fight. It's unnecessary and confuses the reader about what's actually happening.

One of the gargoyles lunged at the werewolf. The werewolf was too busy dealing with the fire to notice. In a blind rage of pain the werewolf jumped int the air just as the gargoyle made contact with the werewolf. The werewolf unknowingly punched the gargoyle in the stomach. the fire activated the sprinkler system. The water was like acid to the gargoyle as it's skin started to melt.

A gargoyle lunges at the werewolf, who's too much... on fire... to notice. But then he grabs the gargoyle in midair and unknowingly punches it in the stomach. What? But? How? What? That's... that's not how a fight works at all. The gargoyle currently has the advantage, and the werewolf is at a disadvantage it can't turn around in its favour. There's no way that the gargoyle couldn't lose that exchange. It's a shoddy attempt at an exchange that's used to prolong a fight longer than it needs to be. Also, if water can't be this effective against gargoyles. Even regular acid takes a while to melt through stone.

The gargoyle died as it had lived, a useless waste of space. The other gargoyle also died from the water, letting out a bloodcurdling scream before crumbling into dust. Luckily the water healed the werewolf's wounds. Unluckily the werewolf now couldn't see and the first gargoyle was flying to the werewolf. The gargoyle caught the werewolf off guard as it body slammed the werewolf. The werewolf sucker punched the gargoyle in the face. The gargoyle was sent flying into a wall.

I wouldn't call a decoration a useless waste of space. Then again, that's subjective. The other gargoyle dies, okay if we're just accepting how quickly the first one died. Then, the water... heals? You mean extinguished the fire, right? Because the werewolf already had a healing factor you didn't explain. Then, the first gargoyle flies towards the werewolf, whose still under the sprinkler system and would thus assumedly die as quickly as its brethren. The gargoyle catches the wolf off guard and body slams it, but then the wolf sucker punches it... Are you giving any chances to these gargoyles, who at this point have had many more advantages than the werewolf? It seems heavily one-sided here.

The werewolf tried to attack the gargoyle again but couldn't due to the pain from the fire. The gargoyle grabbed the werewolf by its hands so the werewolf couldn't attack it. The gargoyle flew into the night sky. The gargoyle used its spiked tail to hit the werewolf repeatedly. The cop weakly hobbled over to the window and took out a sniper pistol

The pain from the fire that was A. put out with the sprinklers and B. healed, according to yourself. The rest of the paragraph is fine. Sniper pistols don't exist.

. "Come on, come on" the cop said furiously as he tried to get a fix on the fast gargoyle. "Excuse me mister maybe this will help that boo boo" the young child said very sweetly. The girl walked over to the cop and put the band aid on his aid. "Thanks" the cop said feeling good inside. Now he knew had to take the shot, not just for him but for this little girl. He shot the gargoyle in the hand making it drop the werewolf. The werewolf grabbed the stone behemoth by its wings and pushed upward making the werewolf go into the clouds.

Okay, so the cop is trying to shoot the gargoyle, for some reason. Except, there should be no reason. In fact, the most logical plan would be to wait for one of the monsters to kill the other and quickly take care of the injured other one. It's like you're trying to favour the werewolf heavily here. Now, I know that there's always going to be a bias, but currently, the werewolf has done little to nothing. Most of the damage was done by either environmental effects or extra support. If you want the werewolf to win, that's fine, but having the cop with the bear spray be a more deciding factor than the actual werewolf ruins the story. I'm not going to say anything about the little girl because so far that's been the best part of this story, even if heavily flawed. The last bit is extra levels of confusing. So, the werewolf, now that its hands are free, 'jumps'
onto the gargoyle bringing it up into the clouds. Why is it that the werewolf is the one bring them up. The gargoyle is the one flying. It's these kinds of moments spread throughout your story that results in me writing paragraphs larger than your actual paragraphs to explain how this doesn't make sense.

The gargoyle felt the acid like water droplets hit its face. The werewolf screeched and started becoming desperate to stop the werewolf, so it stabbed the werewolf in the back repeatedly until..."scritttch!" The gargoyle made a huge gash in the werewolf's back. The werewolf started losing its grip, while the gargoyle started shaking and trying to throw it off. The werewolf threw a powerful uppercut in the gargoyle's jaw, launching it into the air. The gargoyle got colder and colder as ice surrounded its arms and legs

Okay, the first sentence is unnecessary. The gargoyle doesn't seem to take any apparent damage or major effect from the cloud. You then say the werewolf wants to stop the werewolf, so it stabs the werewolf... Let's just assume the first werewolf is actually the gargoyle. It stabs the werewolf until "scrittch". "Scrittch" doesn't sound like a large gash. It sounds like someone dragging their nails across a board. The use of sounds doesn't work in a novel. So, the werewolf is losing its grip and is about to fall off. This is not a situation that requires an uppercut. And the werewolf shouldn't be powerful enough to hit it several hundred feet upwards (because that's when it starts getting colder) without proper grounding below it.

. eventually the creature's arms and legs broke off. The gargoyle felt its life slowly being steeped away. As the gargoyle fell its wings broke off. Now it was just a dying body. The werewolf needed a plan if it wanted to do the final blow.

The gargoyle's arms and legs break off, and its slowly dying. It starts to fall as its wings break off. The last sentence is probably the worst part here. "The werewolf needed a plan." What plan? Why would it need a plan? So far, you've presented this beast as a wild animal. All of its actions up to this point have been instinct, as seen by how many surprise punches it threw.

The werewolf grabbed the wings and impaled the gargoyle with them. The gargoyle knew it was going to die, but it wanted to take the werewolf with it, as it bit the werewolf in its arm and didn't let go. The werewolf then realized something, in about 23 seconds it would crash into the pond.

Ignoring the rules of velocity and gravity, the werewolf manages to impale the gargoyle with its own frozen wings. The gargoyle, in a suicide attack, bites the werewolf's arm. The werewolf is then able to caclulate (again, you've presented it as a wild animal) the time it would take for it to fall back to the ground. Also, rough estimates, but they're... 2km high... What.

With that in mind (but should really be instinct) the werewolf used its non free hand to pull out the gargoyle's tongue before jumping off and hitting the ground with a hard thud with only a few scrapes and bruises. The gargoyle on the other hand fell into the pond with a huge "splosh!!" Before disintegrating into nothing. The werewolf just fell into unconsciousness while its body regenerated. Maybe the human on the inside would be crippled until the next full moon, maybe that person will die a slow death from their wounds. One thing is for sure. This battle has been won.

So, the werewolf pulled out the gargoyle's tongue, for bragging rights I suppose, and then JUMPS off the gargoyle. Jumps. Off the gargoyle falling at terminal velocity. Few scrapes and bruises. We'll get back to that in a moment. The Gargoyle falls into the pond with a sploosh. Terminal velocity. It's going to make a crater out of that pond. It then disintegrates into nothing, because so far it had 3 ways of dying, and you chose the least honourable out of all of them (just a personal complaint). So, the werewolf falls unconscious, despite only getting scrapes and bruises, and its body heals. You mention how the human might be crippled, but at the start of your story, he's already healing from gunshots. Then, you end it in an anticlimactic statement that undermines the whole story.

Now, stay with me a for a minute. I have spent a half hour trying to calculate this. It's not going to be a very accurate answer, since I only calculated for newtons, and I may have messed up an equation, but in the end, it modifies the answer only slightly. For your werewolf, who we'll assume is 300 lb, according to DnD rules, jump off an object falling at 120 mph, then the force it would take to jump off would be about 1 million Newtons. How strong is a million Newtons? Enough to lift about 70 1500kg cars for maybe a second. There's no possible way your werewolf could exert that kind of pressure.

Did I spend a total of 3 hours, half an hour of it calculating the power of a werewolf's jump, just to negatively berate you? No! That's not what I'm trying to do at all (even though it totally seems like I am)! I want to help you. Help you make this kind of battle story, because dammit, it's an original idea I haven't seen yet and want to see more of. There're moments of good here, but there's also a serious amount of problems as well. Your main problem is ordering. Your battles, the way you describe them, aren't happening in a proper chronological order. It's confusing the reader and combined with your frequent scene changes, and 'but's and 'suddenly's, it makes your story a mess. There's a diamond in the rough here, and it's possible to make it gleam, but you require a serious amount of editing to make it work.

PS You might want to invest in a spell checker. Use someone's Grammarly referral link for a free week of its premium.




Boluk says...


Noted, I'll do all I can to make it better



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Tue Nov 21, 2017 2:29 am
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Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing the battle royal between a werewolf and a group of gargoyles in a museum. I expected a one-on-one fight actually and was a bit disappointed when the other gargoyles joined in. Of course, when the odds are stacked that way, then we humans tend to root for the underdog which in this case was the werewolf. Happy ending since he came out on top.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gargoyle

Suggestions

Some of the action, such as the gargoyle ripping out the werewolve’s teeth, could be enhanced by describing exactly how it was done. Did the gargoyle use his claws or his own teeth? I would also try to show what they are thinking as they maneuver. But maybe I am asking for too much at this stage of your development as a writer. But it is something to keep in mind for your next story--right?

Also, try to be careful in describing events that the reader might find hard to imagine. For example, how often do people crowd into museums in such a way that they carry others involuntarily up the stairs?

Avoid repetition of phrases

Careful in using the same phrases too many times. “The werewolf" and “The gargoyle"" phrases were used a total of 100 times. That means that a total of 200 words were dedicated to those two expressions. That’s out of a total of 1,729 words. That’s approx one-eighth of the story’s word total. It proved very distracting. Using the pronouns “he” and “it” will help.

Maintaining realism:

Also, we want the reader to be convinced that he is seeing a real werewolf in his mind’s’s eye. So we have to avoid behavior that would make him look human such as uppercutting like a boxer, sucker punching like some street thug, and scratching,instead of slashing, swiping, clawing.

Also in this category is a cop who whips out a bear spray and a grenade. You see, cops don’t carry such things around usually and the reader will pause if we suggest that they do.


Always use a spell checker to prevent such spellings as the following.

streches
electreal fire
int air

Proofread to avoid typos.

“...grows form....”

Make sure that the punctuation is OK. Corrections are in brackets.

“....poor woman[,]....”

“....once[-]normal...”

“[H]igh atop....”

“[T]his creature was....”

“....none other [than]....”

“....,[a] statue that....”

“Luckily[,] when...ground[,] much....”

Eventually[,]...a [a]....”

“....flew [into] the pool....”

“...made of stone[,]meaning....”

“Now let[’]s....”

“....pitch[-]black....”

Show don’t tell:

The man looked weird.

Just describe him and let us decide for ourselves.
----------------------

[T]he man noticed this....”

“Thinking it had won[,]....”

“ ....stairwell.....”

“....shot [T]he werewolf....

“Why [G]od why?” [Only false gods are referred to as gods.]

“....leave[,]" [a] museum worker said.

“The gargoyle [hung] by....” not hanged

“....bit the werewolf [on] its arm....”




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Mon Nov 20, 2017 10:00 pm
jimss23 wrote a review...



Jimmy here.

Yo.

So, I decided to stop on by and do a little review here. Hopefully, I can offer something useful to make this story better!

Customary disclaimer, I have the grammar talents of a low budget Chinese translator program, so if you need help there, I'm not ya guy. Also, I'm not very good at conveying humor or compassion in my reviews so, If I say anything the offends you or makes you think I'm attacking you, please don't take it personally.

Alright, off to the races we go.

1) The concept of your work is fascinating and quite frankly unique. I have never seen someone construct an excerpt like this, so credit where credit is due. I'm a fan of the little descriptions about origin and powers in the beginning. Helped to set up the combatants early and give a good idea of their abilities like you were watching a pre-fight commentary.

2) However, I am not a huge fan of the setting. It just doesn't seem to fit the fight or the fighters well. A werewolf and gargoyle squaring off in a museum is not a bad thing prima facie, but there was too much "society" around them. The police felt out of place as well. It seemed like two different fights were happening at the same time. I would have kept it on the gargoyle and werewolf at all times.

3) Multiple gargoyles seemed a bit unfair too. It made the gargoyle feel weaker as soon as another arrived because it showed that one gargoyle is not comparable to a werewolf at all.

4) Your description of the fight was good so kudos to you there.

5) Thought your use of water was a little too repetitive, but that is just me.

Ok, that about sums it up.

Good work, keep writing, and for God's sake make more of these cause they are really interesting to read.

Cheers,

Jimmy

A man in a blue jacket.




Boluk says...


fuck you nigga



Boluk says...


sorry i did not actually mean that I JUST Showed that to my friend and he posted that. by all means you are a good reviewer and ,I hope you review more in the future.



jimss23 says...


All good.



Boluk says...


Sweet




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