Goodnight

by Bol

Published January 23, 2014

E - Everyone

In folder_1

I grinned to myself, flexing my wings as I slinked close to the ground, chest pressed close against the ground. I breathed in the scent of dusty wood and mould, things familiar to those in my line of work. My claws moved silently over the planks, dragging my strong body forward.

The light was gone, that blasted bird had slinked back to terrorise the other side of the planet. For a few hours now, it was my world. My Rules. My Game.

I pressed my head against the underside of the bed, listening for the sounds that marked a child still awake. Sometimes I wondered why I still bothered doing this, but then the screams and fear reminded me. I listened more intently, nothing. But children are so very sneaky, humans in general can’t be trusted. Stupid and insolent at worse, stubborn and cunning at best. Not as cunning as me, but cunning enough.

The crickets chirped their melody, my melody. I gnashed my sharp teeth together, revelling in anticipation of the fear of my latest mark.

One dark hand clothed in leather-like skin reached out under the bed, the ivory claws finding purchase in the old wood, pulling their owner across the wood. I was invisible in the dark, as I was made to be. I should have been the greatest hunter of the shadows, but that accursed yellow bird just has to ruin everything doesn’t he?

I extracted the entirety of my body from underneath, rolling my muscular shoulders and taking a deep breathe of the air. It was too still, perfect for strange sounds echoing from attics and dark corridors.

My mark was directly at my side, his chest rising and falling in time with his breaths. My eyes had no trouble seeing him in the dark, scanning over his form. Young, perhaps seven or younger. Young enough to fear me still.

I walked past his bed post and let my hand fall upon it, allowing one white claw to drag across the wood and leave a long gouge in the softness of the wood. The child stirred. Reaching up, I knocked the back of my palm against a ceiling fan and allowing it to twirl, making alien creaking noises and groans of tired metal.

The boy began to toss and turn. The final nail must be hammered in. I reached over to his bed side lamp and let my finger rest upon the switch, before flicking it up. Closing my eyes, I reeled back as the light entered my realm. Not something I liked, but how else would the boy be able to fully feel terror if he couldn’t see me.

The child rose into a sitting position, still lethargic and sluggish from his sleep. He rubbed his eyes and looked uncomprehendingly at me, the huge figure with wings spread wide across the length of the room. He asked sleepily, “Who are you?”

What? He didn’t know me? Humans nowadays. I snarled, “I am what lives in your Nightmares, I am the embodiment of Fear, I am the Night!”

His eyes were still puzzled. “Em-bou-dee-ment?”

I furrowed my brows. Why wasn’t this human scared?

He asked, “Are you one of Santa’s elves?”

Santa? Elves? I looked out the window and realised the world outside was swathed in thick blankets of snow. I laid one hand against the glass and realised how cold it was. Was it Winter already?

“You’re one of his Elves aren’t you? I have cookies for you if you want.”

I let my head rest on my neck as I remembered my first Winter, in the time before the Sun, when my kind ran rampant and wild, masters of the world so dark. Then the Bird, the horrible yellow bird, he rose in the East like a bolt of flames, melting the snow and thawing the ice. Burning our flesh and charring our bones, that accursed-

“Do you want cookies?”

I looked down at the boy. He had shaken off his sleep and seemed to be convinced that I was one of ‘Santa’s Elves’. I spluttered, “Cookies? Don’t you fear the Dark, boy?”

He cocked his head. “Ma said I shouldn’t eat candy after dark, but I did. She said I’ll get strange dreams. Are you one of them?”

What use was I if I couldn’t scare humans? Even these tiny men-lings. I sank into the nearest chair, a rocking one made of expertly weaved wood. I let my face fall into my palm, wondering what had become of the Hunter in the Dark.

I felt something soft on my hand, something unnatural to me. I looked up and saw the boy there. He looked me in my eyes and said, “I don’t think you’re a dream. You’re real. I know.”

“And how would you know that?” I asked half-heartedly. This boy was obviously beyond fear of me now.

“You’re real. I can tell.”

Not much of a compliment, but more than I’d ever gotten since the dark ended. I nearly smiled. “Maybe I’m just another nightmare.”

“You’re not,” he stated resolutely. “Nightmares are bad. And you aren’t bad.”

“How would you know?” Fangs, wings, claws and skin like leather. What good would others see in that?

“Because you are nice.” He smiled at me with a grin missing three teeth, and said proudly, “I can tell.”

Who was this boy that didn’t fear every child’s nightmare? Who didn’t fear the one who terrorised the night and slinked after the Bird in the Sky? I got up, uncomfortable in this human’s presence. I’d never stayed so long with another who didn’t fear me. “I must leave.”

I grabbed the window and flung it open, hopping out the window and landing in the snow, the white stuff burying me up to my knees. I spread my wings and took off, but not before hearing the boy shout after me, “Goodnight!”

Comments & reviews · 7
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hitxuanni
Review
hitxuanni wrote a review Review · May 8, 2014

Altogether now! Awwwwwwww......

That was absolutely adorable. In my country, we sometimes use 'blur' to describe a person. Not sure if it's used that way anywhere else, but here, saying someone is 'blur' is an affectionate way of saying that person is generally very lost, in a constant state of confusion, and are usually in their own world. And although Mr. Boogey here doesn't really fit into the listed descriptions of someone 'blur', the word does come to mind.

Both characters are instantly endearing, from the quite hilariously aimless and bitter Boogey Man to the little boy who comically missed the memo about children being scared of monsters.

I'm a sucker for these kinds of atypical pairings, and this duo of a friendly child and a boogey man is perfect.

There's no notable language errors or whatnot that I can see that take away from the story as a whole. The description of the carefully rehearsed movements of the monster is cutely melodramatic, and works great for this setting.

All in all, I really enjoyed this! Thanks for sharing this mini squeefest.

MagentaDefined wrote a review Review · Jan 31, 2014

The way this story starts I immediately thought "This is going to be dark".
Your description of the character was so vivid I could almost see this creature preening itself to attack and enter the realm of reality. However, the boys reaction was so amusing - the way he responded is very 21st century kid, and the interaction between your two characters was really cute and quirky. I wasn't expecting it all! (: I really liked it.

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thebatman
Review
thebatman wrote a review Review · Jan 26, 2014

So I really like this story, its creepy, mysterious, sweet, and gently humorous. And not many writers can manage to successfully weave in all those elements. It often comes off as forced when people do that, but you pulled it off superbly. Also I just loved how the child walks up to the "boogie man" and tells him "Because you are nice." that but just made me smile. Overall I give this work two thumbs up, a beautiful story :D

Random avatar
deleted30
Review
deleted30 wrote a review Review · Jan 23, 2014

Hi!

Okay, first of all, I really liked this. The first half was wonderfully creepy; and the other half, after the boy wakes up, was very humorous and sweet.

I do have to agree with dragonofphoenix though that parts of this did remind me of Monsters, Inc. Just be careful to make sure your writing stands out and is as original as possible. Some similarities are not a big deal, but too many will make even the best story look bad (not to mention clichéd).

That aside, I thought the character development was really strong. The MC was intriguing and likably wicked (if that makes sense). The boy was adorable in his earnestness.

All in all, a great piece.

Nitpicks:

I grinned to myself, flexing my wings as I slinked close to the ground, chest pressed close against the ground. I breathed in the scent of dusty wood and mould, things familiar to those in my line of work. My claws moved silently over the planks, dragging my strong body forward.

The light was gone, that blasted bird had slinked back to terrorise the other side of the planet.


You use "slinked" twice here. It wouldn't be so bad, but that word is not exceptionally common, so it stands out and kind of feels repetitive.

the ivory claws finding purchase in the old wood, pulling their owner across the wood.


"Wood" is repetitive here.

and taking a deep breathe of the air.


"Breath," not "breathe." Get rid of the E at the end.

but how else would the boy be able to fully feel terror if he couldn’t see me.


I think there should be a question mark at the end of this rather than a period.

I grabbed the window and flung it open, hopping out the window


"Window" is repetitive.

Other than those, this was a really fun story. Great work!

dragonfphoenix wrote a review Review · Jan 23, 2014

Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:

"I grinned to myself, flexing my wings as I slinked close to the ground, chest pressed close against the ground."

While grammatically correct, the first thing that struck me when I read this sentence is that it's just a phrase too long. "chest pressed..." would be a good place to start another sentence (in fact, that's where I would have started one myself), and from the quality of word choice something I would have expected. It's just a minor change that would bring up the level of the writing.

"The light was gone, that blasted bird had slinked back to terrorise the other side of the planet."

That's a comma splice. I'd recommend a dash there, since that best fits what you're aiming for.

"Sometimes I wondered why I still bothered doing this, but then the screams and fear reminded me."

Also technically correct, but when I first read it I thought you meant your main character was currently wondering it (in the context of the story), and then it didn't make any sense that there would be screams or fear. Even so, the sentence still has that feeling of the reminder needs to come before the commission of the act, else it doesn't serve as a very good reminder. Unless you stop (or rephrase the original sentence) to explain that the character continues to do the action to remind themself why they do it, which doesn't seem to fit in their line of reasoning.

"I listened more intently, nothing."

That's an awkward way to punctuate that. I'd recommend going with a dash or period. A stylistic fragment would seem to fit best there.

"But children are so very sneaky, humans in general can’t be trusted."

There are a host of other ways you could notate that without it being a comma splice and still be acceptable. That last half could be set off by a semi-colon (not the best solution), colon, dash, or even contained in parentheses. Or you could make it a stand-alone sentence. However you wish to change that is up to you, but please replace the comma.

"One dark hand clothed in leather-like skin reached out under the bed, the ivory claws finding purchase in the old wood, pulling their owner across the wood."

That's an extremely wordy description that felt very out of place in this piece. You have nice, short descriptions up until this point, and then you have a sentence that felt like it came straight out of a Tolkien or Terry Brooks' book. Sometimes you need a lot of description, and then sometimes you need to back off and determine what's really important. This is one of those times. Your description isn't bad, it's just too long. (Also, "their owner" felt a little too distant for a first person narrative. You could convert that phrase into a simple "I pulled myself out from under the bed" and solve part of the problem.)

"I let my head rest on my neck as I remembered..."

Nothing technically wrong, but it was very amusing listening to Tron Legacy: Overture, at time 1:53 when I started reading this paragraph. I arrived at the sun rising and melting the snow at just the perfect moment. It made me very happy.

And, the end of the story. Well, I couldn't help but think of the problem the monsters in Monster, Inc. were having when I read this story. In fact, the only difference I could tell between your monster and the monster in the opening scene of Monsters, Inc. was that yours has wings.
Which isn't a bad thing that your story so closely resembles something else. I just feel like your story needs some more work to make it really stand out. Your writing is really good, but the story is really short, too short at this point to give it enough individuality (in my mind, at least).

Hope this helps!

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fire_of_dawn
Review
fire_of_dawn wrote a review Review · Jan 23, 2014

Well met, Bol. I'm here to give you a review. As per usual, I shall start with some error-detection. :)

flexing my wings as I slinked close to the ground


I believe the past tense of "slink" is "slunk". However, don't take my word for it; consult your dictionary.

A thought- does a creature adapted to crawling under beds need wings?

I listened more intently, nothing.


Now, this is a stylistic issue, so you don't have to follow it. That said, perhaps a semi-colon or an ellipse would work better here. "I listened intently... nothing."

Stupid and insolent at worse


It's "worst". "Best" is a superlative- the most it can be- so it makes sense to use another superlative before it.

taking a deep breathe of the air.


For some reason lots of writers make this mistake. "Breathe" is verb, while "breath" is a noun. This phrase works better as either "taking a deep breath of the air" or "breathing deeply".

I reached over to his bed side lamp


Hm. I think the Geneva Convention agreed that "bedside" is a valid word. ;)

Not something I liked, but how else would the boy be able to fully feel terror if he couldn’t see me.


Wait, isn't this a question?

made of expertly weaved wood.


Forgive me. Every time I see "weaved" I get a sort of knee-jerk reaction. Surely there's nothing wrong with "woven".

Overall this is a very interesting story. In fact, maybe you could develop it into a longer work that gives more insight into the monster and his kind. In other words, "I'm curious; please write some more!"

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wakarimasen
Review
wakarimasen wrote a review Review · Jan 23, 2014

This was so ... fantastic and funny and creepy all at once! :D I pretty much had a complete mental image of the bogeyman by the halfway point of the story - you're great with descriptiveness!

The narrator's tone completely changed from "MWAHAHA! I'm so scary!" to "*Record scratch* ...What?" when the child was absolutely unafraid of him. I could just tell he never experienced something like that before, and it seems to me he's more afraid of the boy than the boy is of him.

Part of me wonders, does Mr. Bogeyman here actually do much more than scare children? Now that the reaction he so took for granted did not occur, I wonder what more he'll do next? Or maybe he'll turn a new leaf and befriend kids from now on. ;)

I saw no outstanding errors of any kind, and your story flowed very well!



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