It was my first day of high school and I was with my new class in our classroom. We were standing in a circle and taking turns with introductions. “Hi I’m Mark. I don’t really have any hobbies but I like playing computer games I guess…”
Everybody was already staring at me as if I was a nerd and I realised that I would have a hard time finding new friends in this class, not that I ever had many to begin with.
The next girl to introduce herself was Annabelle. She was my neighbour and I had loved her ever since I first laid my eyes on her. She was the definition of beautiful. Her golden hair flowed over her shoulders complementing her sparkling emerald eyes. She was gorgeous, the opposite of me with my jet black hair and scruffy looks.
I was nothing more than a friend to her though and the times when we would hang out and chat on the porch were long gone.
After introducing ourselves we already had our first lesson: French. I absolutely hated French and just sat at the back of the class, slowly nodding off, until I realised that I smelt something burning. I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed but it seemed I was the only one. I just ignored it and continued napping until suddenly a piercing noise rang out. Somebody had sounded the fire alarm.
The teacher implored us to remain calm and we did, until Annabelle noticed the reason of the commotion. “Look outside; people are burning the school down!” she said, and it was true. A group of terrorists were dousing the school in petrol and then setting it alight, worse than that though was the fact that they were systematically detonating some sort of explosive devices that had been planted inside the school. We all watched in shock as each floor in the building opposite ours was swallowed by a wall of fire one after the other.
Pandemonium erupted in the classroom as everyone panicked as we realised that an escaped would be impossible because we were surrounded by bombs. “Quickly, we have to jump out of the windows!” Annabelle suggested, receiving flabbergasted looks from everyone because we were on the 4th floor. I was the only one to support her as I quickly rushed to the windows; the rest of the class refused to accept this was the only option and stubbornly ran in to the hallway, attempting a desperate sprint to the stairs to beat the detonation. Annabelle and I were both standing on separate window ledges, looking down at the cement below us as we heard the bombs start detonating in our building. I shuddered as I heard the death cries of my fellow students. “Since this is the end I guess I should tell you…I love you Annabelle” I confessed .She didn’t reply, her stare fixated on the ground below her. “I don’t care anymore, this is the end anyway” I thought with tears welling up in my eyes. As the bombs detonated on the floor below us I suddenly realised that I couldn’t do it. “I can’t do it; I’m too much of a coward. Just jump and save yourself” I said, ashamed of myself. I closed my eyes, awaiting the sound of the explosion behind me and the singing of my body. Instead I suddenly felt a push as the bombs detonated on our floor. I turned around opening my eyes in shock, as I saw Annabelle standing on the ledge with tears in her eyes “I love you too” she mouthed milliseconds before disappearing in flames.
That was when I woke up in the French classroom. Everything was completely normal and it seemed as if not even a second had passed since I had fallen asleep. Relief passed through me as I smiled, glad that it was all a dream. Suddenly my nose picked up a familiar smell. It took me a while to place it until I realised: Something was burning.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Thanks very much for the kind words and warm welcome!
I'll be sure to implement your guys feedback for next time. Constructive criticism like this really helps me a lot.
Grammar: a few typos, but nothing too bad.
Setting: School. 'Nuff said.
Plot: guy falls asleep and dreams that his school was attacked by terrorists. Too rushed for me to get comfortable with the transition from "ordinary day at school" to "hell on Earth" scenario. Also, the cliffhanger ending was somewhat unnecessary.
Characters: way too little development for anyone to care what happens to them, whether it be tripping down and bruising their knee or getting blown up in a violent manner.
Summary: mediocre writing exercise. Coherent, but this reminds me of stretching before a workout.
Score: 5/10
This is an interesting piece. The line "worse than that though was the fact that they were systematically detonating some sort of explosive devices that had been planted inside the school." seems a bit wordy and in my opinion that should be revised.
I did notice a few spelling errors for example you spelled realized as "realised"
I enjoyed reading this it was truly a pleasure. I like the description that you used throughout the piece. The ending by far was amazing! I was so absorbed into the story that when I read your ending it was amazing! I love how you worded it as a dream!
"That was when I woke up in the French classroom. Everything was completely normal and it seemed as if not even a second had passed since I had fallen asleep. Relief passed through me as I smiled, glad that it was all a dream. Suddenly my nose picked up a familiar smell. It took me a while to place it until I realised: Something was burning."
It was like a deja vu. I was not expecting it!
I look forward to reading more of your works.
I thought that your dialogue was very well written! I think the transition could've been better, but overall it's a great story.
Hey, Bobster28! I'm BellaRoma. Congratulations on your first work, first of all.
Let me know if you post a follow up work.
You know what this reminded me of? Final Destination.... The guy has a terrible dream/premonition, waking up seconds before the horror starts for real. All the FD movies started that way, so I'm wondering if you were inspired by them.
I think all the nitpicks have been covered. I will just remind you to start a new paragraph with each new speaker (eg. where you have dialogue).
In general, I found this piece very intriguing and didn't see the end coming while I was reading it. That's absolutely brilliant on a piece like this!
Well done - keep writing
Hello Bobster! Welcome welcome welcome to the Young Writers Society! I'm excited to review your first work on here.
It was my first day of high school and I was with my new class in our classroom. We were standing in a circle and taking turns with introductions. “Hi I’m Mark. I don’t really have any hobbies but I like playing computer games I guess…”
This is a great opening paragraph! I realise that this is a short story, so you can't have too much detail or it will become a normal length story. Without heaps of detail, you still introduced two important things; your main character and what's happening in the story. Well done. Also, I agree with MrGreen about the 'class in our classroom' bit. In highschool you generally go to lots of different rooms for different classes, so you could say they were in their 'homeroom'.
French. I absolutely hated French...
Me too. :p
We all watched in shock as each floor in the building opposite ours was swallowed by a wall of fire one after the other.
If the school being set on fire wasn't a shock, this was. I would however, like just one or two sentences more which explain how people are feeling, how things look, etc. I can imagine what's happening, but I'm filling in gaps, so it's not how you'd imagine the events.
That was when I woke up in the French classroom. Everything was completely normal and it seemed as if not even a second had passed since I had fallen asleep. Relief passed through me as I smiled, glad that it was all a dream. Suddenly my nose picked up a familiar smell. It took me a while to place it until I realised: Something was burning.
BAM! At the start of this paragraph I laughed because I was relieved that he was only dreaming. My reaction when finishing the paragraph: "Oh. No."
I really enjoyed reading this short story! It's clever and simple.
Hello Bobster28
First of all I really must congratulate you on what is a magnificent little story. It is well-written and excellently thought out, with an extremely satisfying twist at the end which wraps the entire piece up very nicely. The ending also leaves open the possibility of continuing the story, which, after reading this, I sincerely hope you will consider.
Just two small grammar nitpicks;
"It was my first day of high school and I was with my new class in our classroom."
Saying I was with my new class in our classroom is unnecessary; if the narrator is with his new class then it is quite probable that the reader will guess that they are in a classroom. Its not the end of the world, it just could be worded slightly better, but as I say it is not a big deal.
"everyone panicked as we realised that an escaped would be impossible"
I assume you meant an escaped rather than an escaped; sorry it seems like I really nitpicking, but I would feel bad if I didn't let you know it was there.
These two minor things aside, this really is a brilliant tale; you've certainly earned a new fan. Keep up the good work.