Zinglore Chronicles
Part One: Introduction
Videthal sprinted between the many gray brick houses of Krondel, his blue cape whirling wildly behind him. The man, appearing too old to make such a run, seemed to have no distinct characterstics, but he did have a suitable gray beard for his age. He slowed himself to a stop at the end of the alley he had hurried through, then, after much observance in new possible directions to take, took a sudden right turn, heading directly for the town’s distant tile laden main street. Trotting towards the bustling street he spotted a group of soldiers no more than a hundred yards ahead, suddenly emerge from one of the town’s bakeries. There were around twelve of them, and they had all planted themselves directly in between him and the main street.
Videthal stopped, assessing what he should do, for the easiest means by which to enter the town’s citadel were provided by the city’s main street. He looked at the sun, he knew his amount of time left was decreasing rapidly, and less than an hour had to be left before the sun disappeared. He rapidly examined the warriors, all bathed in steel hauberks and leggings, and each keeping a hand to the hilt of their blades as they exited out into the dirt street. They all seemed to be under the age of twenty, both in appearance and spirit, all laughing and throwing crumpled bread at each other. There was, however, one man who appeared to have both taken charge and to have purposely addled his calmness. This man, unlike the others, had a pitch black symbol embedded in a bronze chest plate, and instead of a sword, he held a heavy double quarrel crossbow. The man stood apart from the rest of the armed men, simply watching and listening to them quietly, reaching a free hand up and stroking his black goatee. He suddenly turned in Videthal’s direction, freezing as he laid eyes on him for the first time.
“Oi!” The soldier shouted angrily, drawing the attention of the other several young men. “Peasants are to remain in their households or to atleast keep from the streets. Get back to….” His voice trailed off as he took Videthal’s entire appearance in. Even from the distance that stood between them, Videthal could see the man’s eyes widen. The other soldiers took his countenance in with quizzical looks. Videthal knew immediately what was about to set foot. He redirected his planned course, abruptly turning left and streaming up another dark alley. A black cat scampered to move out of his path, but was unable too late. He flinched as he felt his foot fall down on the frightened animal’s tale, then cursed as the beast slashed him at the ankle. The pain won’t come anywhere near the spoiled luck that that blasted cat will bring, he thought, amused. For superstitions were believed to exist by a fair number of the population, the human population at least, and the many that didn’t believe in such foolish matters were usually trodden down by the upper class.
Videthal ceased his jogging after winding his way through nearly seven different dark paths. He stopped to listen and observe behind him for any trace of pursuers. He intently waited, frozen, expecting for the soldiers to bustle into view momentarily. He stood silent for five minutes, then finally hurried to continue. They were either well behind, or had been detained by something. He hadn’t time to ponder on the matter. He quickly reviewed the map he had previously taken the time memorize, locating himself by the nearby smith‘s in seconds. When it came to the citadel, Videthal was ever closer, but still there still stood a distance to travel.
Throwing himself down another alley to his left, he was forced to use his sturdy oak staff to keep balance, pressing it firmly into the muddy soil. Blast it! If it ever rained more in Krondel than today.... Running past a gap in the many surrounding buildings he was able to glimpse the sun’s location now, the burning golden orb now proceeding to set beyond the horizon. Completing his objective would be nigh impossible if he could not make it to the city’s towering citadel before the capitol was taken by darkness. He increased his speed, the muscles burning in his legs.
There was a sudden cluttering ahead of him. In the orange light of the sunset, a large shadow stirred at the alley‘s end, just twenty feet in front of him. Something large was entering the narrow path. Coming to a sliding halt, Videthal quickly eyed his surroundings, trying to find the means by which to hide. His vision fell upon a lofty stack of wooden crates reaching seven feet high. Videthal pushed off from the ground with his staff, and slammed, back first, behind the heap of boxes and flat against the cold stone alley wall. Videthal peered through the gaps in the crates, finding he had a view of the alley ahead.
A krelt’s azure head rounded the corner, the serpents huge fist sized emerald eyes falling immediately on Videthal‘s location, and not wavering from the point. Videthal knew then that him hiding would prove useless, for the serpent had surely located him with its advanced senses.
Slowly stepping out into the alley, he allowed himself into the creature’s full vision. The krelt never ceased its sharp stare, and they stood locked in the perilous gaze for seemingly hours. All the time the serpent keeping an expressionless stare and silently exhaled steam from the two small holes in each of its bony cheeks. It opened it’s wide mouth a full foot to show thin razor sharp teeth, the longest of these being a full six inches. Black acid, resembling tar, dripped from its mouth and to the muddy ground, each drop sending a tiny pillar of thick white steam into the atmosphere. The animal, Videthal knew, would prove to reach a minimum of thirty five yards in length if fully stretched, but the width of the creature would not exceed a foot.
“Foolish. Your decision was foolish, Videthal. Know you not the laws that have been set forth for over a decade? Your travels here are wasted.” The krelt’s voice was faint, dark, and coated in the most attention drawing power that existed. “DanThorne’s soldiers now swarm the city like an angry colony of insects. He knows the pitiful plans you and the rebels have taken to. It seems a multitude will die for you bemusement. The very air has been growing thicker and thicker with your treachery for over a decade. When it comes to tolerance, the emperor has none. Even you could not bring his destruction, for DanThorne’s powers have conquered lengths that Dathmir never dreamed of. Flee, my friend, for our alliance with each other was cancelled long ago.
“Bemusement? Treachery? I thought you swore that the krelts would never serve under any man, not matter the price. Why do you now claim allegiance to the darkest of leaders? Do you fear death? For I have seen krelt’s when mighty, strong, wise, and heroic, and you are none of these. You shame your ancestors, krelt!”
The beast let a low growl escape. “Be wise with your words, human, for they may be your last. Videthal, he knows our ancient ways, he has obtained the knowledge our ancestors used to develop our deadly battle defenses. He is invincible to us, and what krelt would fight against one who has waded so deeply into our ancient methods. It is ludicrous for you to continue.”
Videthal leaned forward on his staff. “And you will let him escape punishment for polluting your traditions so easily?” He asked, ignoring an increase in the volume of the krelt’s growl. “Danthorne is invincible to a krelt alone yes, but not to a krelt and guardian. Will you not stand and defend your freedom now? This may be the chance to regain your independence for an entire millennium. Will you sit back and do nothing with such a great possibility at stake?”
The krelt momentarily ceased the rumbling in its throat. “I would fight for such a cause, but none exist. Even with your experience you still are too weak, Videthal. You know that even if the goblins, the tribes, the gnomes, and even the changeling were to combine into one army they still could not overtake him.”
Videthal smiled. “My friend, I hold an opportunity.“ He reached down the inside of his mail collar, bringing out a clear glowing shard of glass, no longer nor wider than his small finger, hanging on a small chain around his neck
The krelt was silent, then quietly spoke, “Videthal, how have you concealed it from me? An artifact of such unparalleled power should surely have caused such a disturbance in the land. The world believes it lost.”
“The power within this item has prevented its detection for over a hundred years, and for over a hundred years it has been kept in the deepest dwellings of the Earth none the less. Now I am privileged to wield it against one of the greatest threats the world has come to know, but you have emphasized the truth none the less. My task cannot be accomplished on this day without a vast amount of assistance, even with the shard. Obsidian Blue Striker, come to my aid, come to the world’s aid. Free yourself of the cursed man who holds the throne, and let us bring a final era of peace.”
The krelt eyed Videthal, and then the glass shard he grasped in his palm. The only sounds that touched Videthal’s senses were the soldiers swarming the streets, all hurrying in one direction or the other, and the sounds of wagons with the cries of horses under the cracks of seemingly distant whips. Then the krelt’s reply came. “There will never be peace, Videthal, but let us be done with this villain.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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You did a good job, Bobcat. I love that one name, krondel. i swear ive heard it before. haha. Well, it was very good...i dont really know how to critique, but im trying...
Very good, very good.
-KG_gibbs
I wouldn't use "whirling" here. It just doesn't remind me of a flapping cape. Maybe you could use rippling?
Well that's no fun. No distinct characteristics? You don't need to have them, but it's best not to mention your character isn't interesting, because that's what it sounds like your doing. I'm sure this man is very interesting, but you're giving me preconceptions that he's not.
This sentence is too long and has additional details that hurt the story. I'd rephrase it as something like, "He slowed to a stop at the end of the alley (since he hasn't made any turns, we know he's still going down the alley), and, after considering each direction (see how I said what you said, but without as many words?), took a sudden right turn, heading for the town's distant, tile laden main street."
Sorry... I'm such a nitpick... The word "bathed" just sounds too smooth for describing armor. Maybe "equipped" or something would work better.
Get rid of "unable".
Remember back when you were describing this guy? You should have mentioned he had a staff. First, because we had no clue we had one, and second, it will make his description more interesting, which is what it needed. That description of the guy with the crossbow and black symbol was very interesting. Try to provoke that same, or at least a similar, effect.
The problem with this is that you didn't separate it in any way from the other writing. You need to put it in italics to show it's him thinking, or at least use a dialogue tag like "he thought" or something like that.
Use a question mark instead of a period.
Other than that, you should read through this a few times and look for mistakes, because you had some apostrophe mistakes, some grammar mistakes, and you every now and then, in dialogue and in your descriptions, you use words that don't quite fit. I mentioned a few, but you should be able to find the others. You just need to ask yourself if the word you chose is truly right for the situation.
Otherwise, I liked it. It was a decent opening, although to increase tension, you should probably actually have his life in danger more. Sure he was seen by soldiers, but before they could do anything, the guy was already bolting down the alley, so no battle happened. Even the snake thing ended with peace. I'd just suggest having the soldiers following for a while, shooting arrows at his heels and what not. Other than that, though, I thought the dialogue, although a little iffy, was an overall success and well thought out. It was interesting, and your descriptions worked pretty well and painted a good picture. Anyway, I liked it. Good job so far.
Whoa.... o_O
Hey, Bobcat. I'd love to review this, but one, there's way too much for me to cover in one critique, and two, I'm not going to be able to finish reading this before going to school. Could you cut this section in half and repost that part? I could get it when I get back.
Thanks!
Sumi