Zinglore Chronicles: Book One- Intro Part 2/2

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Videthal reached the doors just as the sun disappeared beyond the dark hills that created the horizon. The majestic plains and trees turned a hue of darkness, and the clouds began to alter from their current blend of brilliance to a darkening night sky. The surrounding natural world was peaceful by appearance, and yet Videthal had been assured again and again by the Obsidian Blue Striker, the azure scaled krelt, that the very land screamed with anticipation. How odd was the feeling for Videthal to be pressured by even the landscape to succeed.

Obsidian Blue Striker and him had made their way through Krondel with haste, striking down those who had been unfortunate to oppose their progress. By the time the two had made it into the castle’s back court yard, at least two dozen had fallen behind them. After taking hostage a gardener and battering at him with various threats, the man had finally been overcome by his own terror, the krelt scaring him in particular, and provided them a key to the castle‘s southern gate‘s portcullis. They then found their entrance and procession quite easy, this due to the krelt’s advanced ability, and once striking down the resistant door guards, they had traveled the castle’s interior silent and hidden among the shadows. For the stronghold seemed built for the sole purpose of resembling a cave. Seldom had they passed one of the interior’s murky windows, and few were the number of torches or lamps supported on the walls. Fifteen soldiers fell before they were able to reach these magnificent steel doors, each of them, though baring a hand held torch, had seemed blind to even the largest of things. Videthal and striker had passed through the shadows directly in front of the armed man, but he had simply stared side to side before turning about and continuing his patrol down another dark corridor.

Now they stood at the brilliantly built doors of the dark ruler’s throne room. Videthal moved forward and touched the pitch black wall surrounding the entrance structures. “Obsidian,” he said, recognizing the feel of the mineral. “We would have this broken in seconds, yet this wall has seen much sorcery.”

He gazed at the doors that stood between him and DanThorne’s throne room, the doors which stood between him and the battle of which would determine the future and fate of Zinglore. A slight breeze suddenly rushed from the door and engulfed him, whirring his cape ferociously behind him. He found the memories of the past peace, the memories that had formed ten decades ago, flowing through his mind, pressuring his conscious to the extreme, and clouding his reason. He inhaled and exhaled at a slow steady rate, attempting to calm his racing heart as he had been trained in the past. He eyed the doors at the end of the dark passage, now appearing a tunnel more than a corridor. The last traces of sunlight are fading…We must be quick.

“A place of darkness and death we stand in.” Obsidian Blue Striker spoke “The very particles forming the structure of DanThorne’s surroundings seem to shrivel and quirk with agony. Be wary, DanThorne never dwells in front of the veil of trickery. Take caution with every movement, for what is to happen now is to determine our fall or freedom.”

Videthal nodded, backing several yards from the enormous doors, hastening himself to discover any possible flaw. The doors stood at least five times as high as the average man, reaching a height of almost thirty five feet. Each of the two doors had a unique colored trim, one gold, the other black. A griffin’s full form lay encrusted in steel of the golden trimmed door, but the black trimmed entry contained a magnificent flat diamond carving of a krelt’s threatening expression. The designs took an area of six feet, and lay directly in the center on a dark crimson coat of paint. The doors appeared to have no knobs, nor handles, and by means of opening them by hand, there seemed none.

Obsidian Blue Striker slithered up beside Videthal, using all six of his slender foot long legs to produce no noise. An unexpected growl rumbled deep within the animal’s throat. “You have failed Videthal, for no means of opening this mechanism exist, except by beyond the doors themselves. Also, DanThorne will have seen us, for as solid as the designs of the mighty griffin and the ferocious krelt may appear, the mighty dark lord has methods by which he can see very clearly through these sculptures from the other side. He will have alerted his guards of our presence, and by now there is surely a horde of his most faithful berserks approaching. Heed my advice, friend, we must flee now for the world can afford not for evil to hold the shard.”

Videthal suddenly tilted his head back and laughed. “Do not be so edgy, my friend,” He whispered “for the carving that may have an appearance of diamond is composed entirely of compressed glass. Don’t be troubled by any of DanThorne’s warriors either, for I have arranged for them to be well taken care of.”

“Choose you to attack? The glass, Videthal, is free of curse. The dark lord is not one to make such a simple mistake. DanThorne has taken precautions to ensure his defeat, and among these number a fathom of traps. One of these being he has made his entire throne room invulnerable to the acid I exhale. We may still flee, for if you doom yourself and fall to DanThorne, the shard will fall into his possession, and no force known to any in the world can repel the power within that tiny piece.”

Videthal fingered the glowing shard, the glass felt warm in his palm and sent energy through his fingertips, and throughout his body. He stared at the shard for a brief second then said, “I have to make this risk, Obsidian Blue Striker. I have comprehended the worst for many a year, for over a century. I know the world will surely fall if I fail today, for it is weak and vulnerable, but retreating now would be an act of cowardice and utter selfishness.

“Then you will have this a matter of foolish human pride?” The krelt said, baring its shiny teeth and drilling into Videthal’s mind with a striking stare from two emerald eyes.

“I do this for the world, Striker! Don’t accuse me of such things, for I abandoned them long ago. I have spent years only in the process of planning this day, and to withdraw from the duties I grasp now must go unheard of. Let us be rid of DanThorne!”

The krelt let loose a deafening bellow then withdrew back into a battle stance not different from a viper ready to strike. Videthal pounded his wooden staff against the floor then ran directly at the glass making up the krelt sculpture. He propelled himself into the air, and when he reached seven feet from the magnificent design he jutted his staff forward, gathering the forces he had not called upon for so long. The glass shattered, as an invisible boulder smashed trough it, and Videthal soared through the hole left by the razed sculpture, Obsidian Blue Striker only four feet to his rear. Then landing in the center of a vast cavern like room, gazed up expecting the evil king to be on his feet counter their efforts, but DanThorne was gone, his enormous black obsidian chair left empty and the dark leather bare illuminated by the dim surrounding torchlight.

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mikedb1492
Review

Obsidian Blue Striker and him had made their way through Krondel with haste

Please tell me your not going to call the Krelt the Obsidian Blue Striker every time? When you have such long names, you want to shorten it up so you don't tire the reader. For example, in Garth Nix's Abhorsn Trilogy (I highly, highly suggest it by the way. I bet you'd love it) Nix's character The Disreputable Dog (in the last two) is only called that once in a blue moon. She's usually referred to as the Dog. So maybe you could call it Striker or Obsidian, or whatever.

Obsidian Blue Striker and him had made their way through Krondel with haste, striking down those who had been unfortunate to oppose their progress. By the time the two had made it into the castle’s back court yard, at least two dozen had fallen behind them. After taking hostage a gardener and battering at him with various threats, the man had finally been overcome by his own terror, the krelt scaring him in particular, and provided them a key to the castle‘s southern gate‘s portcullis. They then found their entrance and procession quite easy, this due to the krelt’s advanced ability, and once striking down the resistant door guards, they had traveled the castle’s interior silent and hidden among the shadows. For the stronghold seemed built for the sole purpose of resembling a cave. Seldom had they passed one of the interior’s murky windows, and few were the number of torches or lamps supported on the walls. Fifteen soldiers fell before they were able to reach these magnificent steel doors, each of them, though baring a hand held torch, had seemed blind to even the largest of things. Videthal and striker had passed through the shadows directly in front of the armed man, but he had simply stared side to side before turning about and continuing his patrol down another dark corridor.

This is kind of a boring summary of what happened. I think you should have gone through the experience with us, describing the battles and such. It was more a chore to read it than a pleasure as it should be.

“Obsidian,” he said, recognizing the feel of the mineral.

When he said this, I thought he was talking to the Krelt. Maybe you should avoid having the mineral as Obsidian.

He gazed at the doors that stood between him and DanThorne’s throne room, the doors which stood between him and the battle of which would determine the future and fate of Zinglore.
This should be two separate sentences. This is just one of the many times you have run on sentences via the use of commas.

A slight breeze suddenly rushed from the door and engulfed him, whirring his cape ferociously behind him.

It's not a slight breeze if it can engulf him.

The last traces of sunlight are fading…We must be quick.

Like in the last part of your story, you didn't use anything to separate the thoughts from the rest of the writing. So, put it in italics or use dialogue tags like "he thought".

DanThorne has taken precautions to ensure his defeat,

You're saying DanThorne is taking precautions to make sure he is defeated... Maybe you should rephrase this.

and no force known to any in the world can repel the power within that tiny piece.”

Then why don't they use the shard to blow open the doors? Why risk the glass diamond trap when you can just blast it open?

Well, like the last part, you had lengthy, but acceptable dialogues. I'd suggest cutting back a little bit on the length, though, because they get boring after a while. Your descriptions were once again good, but I'm beginning to think you do so a bit too much. You give us how many feet or yards high, wide, or far from something is. It's just tiresome after a while. It's just a little overkill. Otherwise, it was still pretty interesting, although somewhat slow. You also avoided all battles again, which my have contributed to it. On the other hand, I liked how it ended. It worked well enough. So, once again, good luck with the rest of it.

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ocean_soul13
Review

Good job, Kendall!! I like the fact you use just enough detail to get a picture going in my head. The krelt is still freaking me out a bit, but very well done! The only thing I would keep in mind are run-on sentences. I'm glad you're using commas to keep things seperated! It'd also be interesting to read more of background on the town and where exactly he is and more detail like that. So far, it's somewhat slow but that's probably because the whole plot isn't really developed. But like in your quote, there's never a limit when it comes to improving his or her work.

Well I think I've said everything for now and keep it coming! I'm always happy to comment and help you out!



What's stopping you?
— David Mamet