And although missiles are still the celestial pokes in the night sky’s sea, Father and I go stargazing.
I still stroll down Memory Lane where I wish and I wish for the seamstress’s grant. The tears in my times fray, one by one, slither through wormholes of fun and games. And although the waves of the extraterrestrial radio spikes, stifle my ears I wait for the arrival of my devil.
I sit on his lap as we outline the planets, pounding the moon on the rim of his bowl, as footprints don’t matter no more. What once was there just the yolk of an egg as it settles at the base of a pan? And the Man on the Moon’s voice brattles my heart as I forget and forgive and try to make fact of the obvious lie.
Wearing my parka in the moments that Mercury takes form of the Himalayas. Choking my era by hiding the truth under layers and layers of wool, and flailing my senses by endorsing my words in nothing but skin as the snowflakes kiss my flesh. But what can I do to stop my loss of what really stays true to me? Is it not to fly or to flee or to search for what I’ll never see, but to journey my ponders to places untouched and set my being free.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there!
First off, as Astronaut said, the bold is extremely distracting. It hurts the eyes. Read this and consider removing the bold, please.
Anyways, onto a quick review!
I honestly have no idea what you're saying here. Revise this. Elaborate more, if needed be. It makes no sense.
I think you mean "spike", here? It makes more sense and would read easier -- go on, say it aloud (with the rest of the sentence included) and see what I mean.
Should be "I stifle my ears and I wait [...]"
Don't matter any more*
I feel like there should be some word in there that's missing? It doesn't make sense. Either add some transitional word or a dash after "there".
Okay, so this was... interesting.
You've got some nice imagery going on, I have to say... all of this was awesome. Very descriptive, beautifully written, and great at painting a mental image for the reader. While you confuse them, at least you're giving them some scenery to enjoy.
I encourage you to try and expand on this. At least give it some sort of goal! This has the potential to be great, so I highly suggest you work on this.
I hope this helped.
~Iggy
Thank you for reviewing! I apologize for the bold, I wrote it in a font that transferred bold and I didn't fix it. There was no point goal and I agree I should fix that
. The loose grammar was... I don't know, but thank you 
.
All right. Let's review! This was really good. The fact that it's in bold is distracting, but I'll assume that's a formatting error.
It's just... I'm really confused. Alright, so there's war. What is a seamstress's grant? And then the MC and his/her dad are looking at planets and stuff. I don't get what's up with the footprints. And I'm really lost with the last paragraph.
The main reason I'm confused is because you (check the The YWStionary for definitions) OVER DOSED. Big time. See, teachers tell you that including more complex sentences and vocabulary in your writing makes you a better writer. They lied. Never ever use more than is necessary. It's good to know more vocabulary so you can be precise in your language. But don't make your writing sound like a vocab test. I feel like I should be underlining "celestial pokes" so the teacher can find it more easily. Instead of "the night sky's sea," just "the night sky" will do. Instead of "celestial pokes," use "stars."
Last, grammar. As far as I can tell, you're good in this area. Except... "as footprints don’t matter no more." ANY. MORE, CARLY. NOT NO MORE. ANY. MORE.
Ok, that's all. Hope this helped!
Okay, thank you
. This did help and I will definitely get to work on fixing...well...everything.
Welcome