Published August 1, 2014
Chapter 1: Newcomer
As a child in a family that always travels, I must say I was not very thrilled about this trip. With the car loaded, the radio blasting, and the A.C. humming, I was fairly comfortable. We had just set out on what Dad called an “adventure”, which, believe me, didn’t mean much, and it seemed just like the others. A few hours in the car was normal, and I had plenty to do. Pens and paper could entertain me for decades.
Waking from a nap, I stretched and beamed outside at the moving world. An average town, with average trees and vegetation, with average houses, and average smells and looks; I was assured there was nothing exciting. I pulled out my notebook and BIC and immediately began to draw a heart on the cover. Of course, this was not enough, so I opened to a fresh page, and stared at the blank margins. I began plotting a character. Then did I realize, I was describing myself. Everything was according to me; favorite foods, likes, dislike, quirks. Even the sketch was of me; a girl with short brown hair in a small ponytail, hazel eyes, freckles galore, a scrawny frame, small feet, and a short, navy blue, sheer layered dress. Strangely unfazed by this, I returned the notebook back to my satchel, and shut my eyes. No, I did not expect to be awoken by hitting my head on Dad’s chair. I must say that that was out of the ordinary. “Oops, sorry guys,” Dad said, and I rubbed my forehead, only to find a straining lump. I pushed the strands of hair from my face and looked outside, wondering if I was hallucinating or not. The car was still stopped, in the same familiar, average town as before. Quite alarmed, I glanced at the G.P.S. questioning where we were.
“Welcome to Dixon Lakes,” I read aloud. I looked at the pencil I was still holding. “Dixon, Canada,” was printed along the siding. Not too startled by the coincidence, I looked out the window again, this time to find an awkward emptiness. Not just any old empty type of empty. This kind of empty sent chills down your back and made you want to crawl into a hole, become a mole, and never see the sunlight again. However, that was impossible, completely out of context, so I took on the mystery of this town like pistachio. First, I need to crack the shell, but then there’s a weird, flaky coating, and a weird skin before I reach the true green part of the nut. This would take time, being that I’m allergic to nuts, but, here I say, our adventure begins.
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137,663 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...a pretty interesting chapter one here, it has a couple of issues scattered about here and there but for the most part this manages to come off as a pretty decent start to a story here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...that was sort of a rollercoaster start there, on one hand it looked like this is a person that should be quite used to travelling around and so when they mention that this was a trip which they didn't really enjoy having to go on, that's creates an interesting contrast to see how bad things could be...but then it also seems like they're kind of alright with it, as they're talking about being comfortable in the situation...and yeah, it just doesn't seem like one point is being conveyed here, I think this needs a tiny bit of a rewrite where it focuses more on exactly what you want to convey here from the point of view of this character.
Okayy....well, things taken a little bit of a turn with that one there, things go from a complaint about the place these folks are going to and then transitioning to a description of what I'm imagining the character here is doing to just pass the time between travelling here...and it's a pretty neat little picture that's being painted here.
You can certainly see that this is something that this person is enjoying quite a lot here as they imagine this fictional world but then end up plotting themselves into the story there. It also doubles as one of the cleverer ways I've seen to sneak in a description for a character so that's also a fun detail. And then we have the touch of mystery there at the end with here being alarmed at the place they arrived in, which adds and extra air to this one here.
Okay...the comparison to the nut went on for perhaps a bit too long there...I think it kind of dragged for just a little bit too long there and ended up kind of losing the sense that it had there...cause it didn't quite match up to the joke either there, especially with the rest of the paragraph being a lot more creepy as far as the overall vibe goes with the description of the place that they actually ended up in.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was a pretty intriguing piece here, it seems like a story that I would follow along with, the premise definitely caught my attention quite a bit here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hiya bluegiraffe!
What I liked about this piece was that we learnt quite a bit about your MC, as in her physical appearance and just a bit about her. She seems to be quite creative, always carrying a notebook around with her, etc. Also the ending was good as it's quite intriguing, because it makes me want to find out more about this place.
I agree with Noelle in that there are some inconsistencies in your writing, because in the first paragraph, she seems really negative towards everything, but then she wakes up and seems to feel much better about it all. I'm not sure if that's because she has her pens and paper, but it's just a bit odd.
Because this is quite short, there are a few questions coming to mind that should be answered here. Firstly, why is she going on this trip, if it's something she hates. You say it's her dad who sort of drags her along, but maybe you should explain this a bit more. Like is it a school holiday- how old is she?
Also, when her dad makes the abrupt break, he says 'sorry guys', so I think you should maybe mention the other people in the car, because right now I feel like the story is completely centered around your MC. Which, it should be in general, but this chapter is really just her thoughts, so I think you should describe things a bit more, like the people in the car.
When she's not sleeping, what sorts of scenery is she seeing outside of the car? I think it might be quite interesting to see her reactions to it, like is she bored of seeing the same thing over and over again, because she goes on these trips so much. So I just think you could've added in some more descriptions here, rather than just her thoughts.
Overall, I liked this, and I'd love to read more, so let me know when you've got the next part up. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with the next chapter or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Hi there!
Why exactly isn't your MC thrilled about this trip? The only reason I ask is because your first sentence indicates that your MC likes traveling; or is at least used to it since they travel a lot. And because of that, I'm left wondering why this trip was anything less than exciting. Is it a certain destination that your MC isn't looking forward to going to? Or are they going to miss their friends? It would be nice to see some of these questions answered. It doesn't even have to take up long, really. You could just add in a sentence or two here explaining what your MC isn't looking forward to during this trip.
So there's a break in your timing here. This is the first time you've even mentioned a nap. It's a bit weird to read that your MC woke up from a nap when I didn't even know she (he?) had fallen asleep in the first place. I'd suggest adding in a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that explains the MC falling asleep.
I have another thing to say about this sentence as well. In the first sentence, you mention that your MC is less than thrilled to be going on this trip. Yet when she wakes up from her nap, she's beaming at the world. I feel like she would be in a much grumpier mood than that
I find it interesting that she ended up describing herself as she plotted out this character. That's actually some good character development. Yes it's just something small that might not seem relevant or anything, but it does tell us something about her. We learn that she's a writer of some sort. Why else would she be creating a character? And it's interesting to see her creating a character just like her. It really gets me wondering. Does she like what she looks like or is she self conscious about it? It's interesting to think about. I shall keep this in mind (her being a writer and all) as the story progresses. I feel like it'll come into play later on in the story as well. Just a hunch.
Just wanted to point out that your MC put her notebook away before she closed her eyes again. I find it a bit strange for her to still be holding the pencil since she put away the notebook already.
So overall I think this is a good beginning. We get a good look at your main character as well as the situation she's in. You've got a good introduction here and you've left us at a cliffhanger. I can't wait to read on and figure out what happens on this trip! I'm guessing it's going to be anything but ordinary
Let me know when you post the next chapter! I will be glad to come back and check it out!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Bluegiraffe! This was awesome! No errors or nitpicks, fortunately. I must say, you are very good a writer for your age. That, coming from an eight year old, is good. Your spelling is all excellent, your point lucid, except for the last part. Keep writing, and I want this out of the Green Room!
-wisegirl22