Northeast: Chapter 2 [Original Draft, Read at Your Own Risk]

by BlueJayWalker10

Published July 28, 2016

12+

In Northeast

Chapter 2

I Meet My Crush

Fast as I could, I mounted Blitz and galloped all the way home, got a few things - my flashlight/extra batteries, multi tool/holster, small backpack with clothes, money/wallet - and was about to leave, but Tony caught my arm.

“Jay, what are you doing kiddo?” Tony asked.

Ugh! Dad! Why, of all times do you choose right now to ask me what I’m doing!?! I thought. My hands were balled into fists and shaking in rage. I took a shaky breath.

“Dad,” I began calmly, “Jon is missing. He left for Tux, but he’s gone. Tux came back without him.”

“What!?” Tony cried.

“Yes, Dad. He’s missing, and I’m going to go find him. I don’t care what you think, or say,” I told my father as I ripped free of his weak grip, and ran off to mount Blitz.

“Jay! JAY! Come back!” Dad cried. But it was no use. I had already mounted, and I was cantering away. I was almost ready. I stopped for a minute, looking back at my father. He looked worried, and was shaking his head, holding my sobbing mother. How on earth did she come in time? Did she hear my father calling or something? I wondered. I then cantered the short way to Moonrise Mall. There I bought a proper large water canteen, a rather large sleeping bag and bedroll. I also managed to get a really nice backpack in exchange for my old one. It was a large backpack, one of those large ones that seem to have a million pockets that carry everything. I got a few more basic bits of camping supplies.

I was passing through and made it to the food area. I thought for a moment, and bought some apples, herbs, sugar cubes, jerky and a few other foods. All I needed now was a first aid kit, but I couldn’t find one. So I settled for some strips of cloth, a large tube of antiseptic cream, and a bar of soap.

Now, I was ready.

I began to ride off to Horseplay Farms by the Cordova river that ran down the Trojem (Troll-ye-M) Mountains, normally a few days to get there, but Jon and I had discovered a shortcut to get there, allowing us to get there in a matter of minutes.

See, (due to radiation) during the war some metals had fused together that normally couldn’t be fused together, and most of them were radioactive. But there was one very special ore that Jon and I had found one day, an ore we called Zendum. It was an ore that could transport us anywhere within a sixty mile radius. Jon and I had found it one day and we learned, that once we touched it, we would be teleported to the place we had in mind. Jon and I didn’t know what would happen if you didn’t have a place in mind, and we were too scared to try.

There was a rather large deposit of the ore nearby Huckleberry Horses, just a mile or two away. Blitz could travel the distance in no time, even though most horses couldn’t make it there in an hour. I was heading for it, so I could find out what happened when Jon came.

I was close to the deposit of Zendum, - about 100 feet, I could even see it - but then I noticed something. There were some tracks over by the Cordona river, it looked like horse tracks.

“Huh,” I muttered, half to myself, half to Blitz “it looks like Tux came over here. But his hooves aren’t that small. . . “

My eyes widened, was sensing trouble. I turned around to see a blur of green and brown.

“Wh-wh-who is there?” I said, hoping I didn’t sound as scared as I felt.

“Ah. . . But the real question is, who are you? Are you here to take me as well as that boy?” a female voice asked, is source nowhere to be seen.

“Wh-what young boy? You mean Jon? I came here looking for him,” I stammered.

“Jon? Is that the boy’s name?”

“Y-y-yes. He went missing a few hours ago. He left for his horse, a-and never came back.” I was beginning to wish that she would come out by now, I was getting really nervous.

I heard a rustling in the brush behind me. The person came out.

“Hmm. . . What is your name?” she asked.

I couldn’t find my voice. She was beautiful. She was dark brown hair, (just like mine!) running down her shoulders. She had amazing amber eyes, that seemed to be gazing into mine. (Though I suspected it was just wishful thinking.) Her body was well-built, like a North, and she seemed to stand at five feet eight inches. She looked about fifteen or sixteen. She had gentle, full lips. And rough, calloused hands that looked like they could punch through the Trojem Mountains.

“My-my-my-” I began.

“Well? Spit it out!”

“I am Jay Anderton, Son of Tony Anderton,” my palms were getting clammy, and slipping on the reins.

“Huh. I knew an Anthony Anderton, once. Nickname Tony. He was my mother’s fiance, but it didn’t work out. She was a North, he a South.”

I was so startled I almost fell off Blitz. Dad’s nickname was Tony, his name was Anthony. When I was little, my father told me about a North girl he was going to ask to marry.

Hmm. . .What was her name? Noel Maxwell! I thought, racking my brain to remember. I dismounted.

“Uh, your last name wouldn’t be Maxwell, would it?”

She seemed to be rather shocked. She stumbled and almost hit the ground. Luckily,I rushed up and caught her at the shoulders.

“H-h-how do you know that?” she asked, clearly bewildered.

“Uh, my Dad told me about a girl. . . Noel Maxwell. He wanted to marry her. It didn’t work out because he was a South. . . . . Is something wrong?”

The girl’s face had gone slack. All the color had drained from it. Then she let out a loud, piercing whistle. A black blur came to her side, turning out to be majestic stallion. It was a sleek black horse, not having the coat of one, but the body shape and obvious speed of a thoroughbred.

“My name is Lucy Rodriguez. This is my horse, Midnight. My mother’s maiden name is Noel Maxwell. Come with me, if you ever want to see your friend again."

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Desdemona
Review
Desdemona wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2016

Hello there :)

Desdemona of Team Valor here to drop an itty bitty review on Review Day Go! Woohoo!!

What an interesting plot! Though you neek to work on other skills before actually getting to writing out a story.

Fast as I could, I mounted Blitz and galloped all the way home, got a few things - my flashlight/extra batteries, multi tool/holster, small backpack with clothes, money/wallet - and was about to leave, but Tony caught my arm.


You need to be more descriptive. Show us, don't tell us. I want to know what she looks for, how she looks for it and how she feels as she searches for these things. Your lack of description makes this story seem awfully bland and reduces the interest of your reader greatly.

He left for Tux, but he’s gone. Tux came back without him.”


Left for is used in reference to places not people. So when you mentioned that Tux came back without him, I was confused. How could a place come back? Try to say something like "Left to find..." or "Went to get..." That clears things up for your readers.

“Jay! JAY! Come back!” Dad cried. But it was no use. I had already mounted, and I was cantering away. I was almost ready. I stopped for a minute, looking back at my father. He looked worried, and was shaking his head, holding my sobbing mother. How on earth did she come in time? Did she hear my father calling or something? I wondered. I then cantered the short way to Moonrise Mall. There I bought a proper large water canteen, a rather large sleeping bag and bedroll. I also managed to get a really nice backpack in exchange for my old one. It was a large backpack, one of those large ones that seem to have a million pockets that carry everything. I got a few more basic bits of camping supplies.


Like I said before. Show us, not tell us. Right now we have no idea as to what the mall looks like, how she feels, where she looks or her personality. Use words to describe, not explain briefly. A little detail is always good. You could describe the mall, her feelings, her fears etc... A writer should convey these things automatically.

It was an ore that could transport us anywhere within a sixty mile radius. Jon and I had found it one day and we learned, that once we touched it, we would be teleported to the place we had in mind. Jon and I didn’t know what would happen if you didn’t have a place in mind, and we were too scared to try.


Even though this is a whimsical world and stuff, this isn't at all how radiation works. Using such far fetched things makes your writing seem unprofessional and makes readers kind of just... Laugh at you.

My eyes widened, was sensing trouble.
Subject verb agreement. They WERE sensing trouble, not just was.


Anyways, that is all I have to say. Good work on this, and keep writing. You already have a really solid plot; you just have to work on your descriptions and grammar. Plan for your writing and all will be well.

Keep going!
~Mona

User avatar
Virgil
Review
Virgil wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2016

This is Kaos here for a review on Review Day!

Fast as I could, I mounted Blitz and galloped all the way home, got a few things - my flashlight/extra batteries, multi tool/holster, small backpack with clothes, money/wallet - and was about to leave, but Tony caught my arm.


I felt like using the slash was kind of an odd way to list off items, but it was interesting how you used it. The only one I didn't really feel like fit because it practically means the same thing is the "money/wallet" because if you say wallet, you can assume it also has money in it.

“Jay, what are you doing kiddo?” Tony asked.


You don't need to have both "Jay" and "kiddo" in the same line, they both direct towards Jay.

Ugh! Dad! Why, of all times do you choose right now to ask me what I’m doing!?! I thought. My hands were balled into fists and shaking in rage. I took a shaky breath.


You don't have to have so many exclamation marks to show that your character is angry or upset or even emotional in general. It feels too dramatic and takes away from the real effect of the story. It would be better if you used words to show how your main character was angry instead of a lot of exclamation marks.


See, (due to radiation) during the war some metals had fused together that normally couldn’t be fused together, and most of them were radioactive. But there was one very special ore that Jon and I had found one day, an ore we called Zendum. It was an ore that could transport us anywhere within a sixty mile radius. Jon and I had found it one day and we learned, that once we touched it, we would be teleported to the place we had in mind. Jon and I didn’t know what would happen if you didn’t have a place in mind, and we were too scared to try.


There's a lot of infodumping here. You could have shown this a different way instead of your character stopping to explain what went on, and you could rather sprinkle the information in a different way rather than just disrupting the flow.

Sometimes in the story you used an excessive amount of "..." and I think you could cut some of those out. Overall I didn't find anything too interesting or too boring in this chapter even though the grammar could use some work.

Have a great day!



When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
— Abraham Heschel