Young Writers Society

Hi BlueGlow,

Mailice back with a short review!

As the title sounds so romantic and melancholic, as a reader you don't realise how emotional and powerful the meaning of the title becomes until you get to the end. You've created a very interesting perspective that I like. This apocalypse as you describe it does not depict the struggle/conflict between a nation and disaster, but shows the life of a single person. I like how you manage to portray the classic theme of the apocalypse so powerfully in so few words.

Yesterday I looked out the window.
The world had not yet found out the news.
People had been walking and talking,
Enjoying each other's company.

I'm not a specialist in poetry, so take it or leave it what I write here, but I find the beginning a little weak even in the context of the rest of the poem. It feels more like you're writing the introduction to a short story here, which irritated me at the beginning. I think you could rewrite some of the lines a little bit, even if it's just a change between passive and active sentence structure, to get a dynamic into it that gives the reader the feeling of being "torn" right away.

The sun shone down on the street below,
The trees blew in the cool breeze.
Yet now today, the streets are empty.
The people are distraught.

I like the way you show the simplicity of nature, going about its business as usual and working according to the laws of physics, and then man is described as plunging into chaos against all these rules before the catastrophe has begun.

For early this morning it was announced
That an asteroid the size of Texas,
Was barreling towards Earth.

No matter where this asteroid hits, it will probably kill all of humanity and many animals and plants. This could actually be the end of life on Earth.

There was nothing that could be done.
Yesterday I sat and drank a warm drink
Watching the leaves fall out of the trees.
But today, I will not be doing that.
Instead, I will be writing.

What I like about this paragraph is how you manage to indirectly draw the reader's attention to something; namely, habit. I assume that the narrator has been drinking his drink every day, just staring loosely around. But now, he has fought his way out of the habit, and wants to do something, but only because a catastrophe and also his end is imminent. I interpret it as a point where many people regret not having tried many new things at the end of their lives. You put it well with these simple words.

It doesn't matter much what I do now,
Since invariably life will be annihilated.
Perhaps, some future lifeform will find this,
And will read it. Understand it. Learn about who we were. Who I was.

As I said, I'm not a specialist in poetry, but I would divide the last line here and put each sentence on a new line. That gives it even more drama.

Most likely, this paper will be annihilated
Along with everything else.
Perhaps I should carve this in stone instead,
For rocks never falter.

I like the way the narrator thinks about what will happen after he dies. This is a basic principle of human beings and is different from animals. I also like how you switch from paper to stone to make a connection with the asteroid, which is also made of stone.

There is still another week.
There is still time.
Time to reconnect with a family member or friend.
To reconnect with someone who knows me.
Today I might take a walk
Down to the local park
And soak up the lovely fall day.
Even if the apocalypse is now, I can still enjoy today.

Again, I like how the narrator tries to change and create something positive, but only because he knows he's going to die soon.

Tomorrow things won't be much different.
Perhaps the shock many people feel will wear off.
Perhaps the riots and looting will start.
Maybe not, maybe the Earth will have a peaceful end.
I am utterly hopeless.
There is no future.
I am trapped between the past and the future
Like rubbish in a trash compactor, ever closing in.

I like the way you portray this here, breaking the narrator back to hopelessness, because he doesn't focus on today in the here and now, but on what will come later, or sooner. A very good dilemma.

Everywhere around the world
People are flocking to places of worship.
Perhaps it is for the best that they feel
Like their souls will be taken care of.
The hardest part for me is seeing the children.
They haven't yet experienced all life has to offer.
They don't even know what's going on.
If there is a god, I hope he is merciful to them.

I'm a little ambivalent here, because I can't read directly whether the narrator has hope or not. You did a great job with that. I also like the fact that he first worries about other people he doesn't know, then about the children.

The power has just been cut.
I may not continue writing.
I have a few more things left to do.
And I intend to do them.
If, by chance, we meet again.
Then hello from the past.
Hello from yesterday.
Why could it not stay
Yesterday,

The ending is really a very satisfying one. You can see the narrator going round in circles, just longing for where he can't get to. Very good.

I think you've created a very great poem. I especially like how the narrator wants to change and yet there is something sad about it. He knows that he will die soon and yet he only changes when it is (almost) too late. Yet we all know that we will die one day and still think that it is (hopefully) a long time in the future and that's why we don't make anything of it. You're supposed to enjoy life, start over every single day and do something new, whether you know if an asteroid is going to destroy the world next week or not, because in the end you're going to be dead anyway. I like that you put it in such an interesting yet prose-like form!

It was a very great poem. I especially liked how you were able to present it in such a simple yet very expressive way, presenting the reader with a thoughtful poem.

Have fun writing it!

Mailice.

Hello there! Haraya here to review!

I find this work...interesting. It's unique, definitely something I don't see very often around YWS. I didn't expect it would lead to an apocalypse-scenario because the title was more wistful than foreboding. In general, my feelings for this poem are mixed. I liked some parts, others not as much.

Let's start with the parts I liked!

Most likely, this
paper will be annihilated

Along with
everything else.

I think these lines carry more emotion than they look. The speaker writes despite knowing his work will most likely be destroyed. It gives character to the speaker, showing an internal struggle. "This now seems pointless, but I'll still do it." It's a contradicting mix of hopelessness and perseverance. Very interesting stuff.

I also liked the sudden shift in tone. It works because with the lighthearted title and first few stanzas, I think readers wouldn't really expect it, just as it was unexpected for the speaker and the people in their town.

One of the parts I think could be better is this:

The hardest part for
me is seeing the children.

They haven’t yet
experienced all life has to offer.

They don’t even
know what's going on.

The idea behind these lines is good. The innocent will also have to face the tragedy even without being aware of it. However, I think these lines were doing more telling than showing, which isn't wrong, but I think these lines could've been more layered and impactful if you instead described the cluelessness of the children. Maybe they're wondering why their parents are telling them sad things as if they're saying goodbye. Maybe they're amazed by the idea of an asteroid crashing into their town, like how their favorite dinosaurs saw it in their picture books. It could be something else, but my main point is consider letting the details carry the message.

There are other lines like these in the poem that I think could be improved with more description, but unfortunately, I don't have the time to go over it one by one.

Overall, as I said, this was an interesting read and making a poem about unexpected disasters and maybe even out-of-this-world scenarios is a cool idea for a poem. I might try this out!

That's all! Hope this review helps! Have a great day!

BlueGlow, this is a really nice poem. It's thought-provoking and rather fit for today's world.

While reading it, I felt a flurry of emotions. Oddly enough, one of them was wonder; I haven't been able to comprehend how much there is to this world that we cannot see. What would happen if it were known that humanity was going to be annihilated in a short period of time?

The world had not
yet found out the news.

I feel like a better way to phrase this would be,
"The world had not yet heard
of what was to come."

"Found out the news" feels just a tad dull and unemotional.

Yet now today, the
streets are empty.

I think you can remove the "now." It's redundant.

There was nothing
that could be done.

Since you alternate between using past and present tense, and this is technically in the present, I suggest replacing "was" with "is."

Understand it. Learn about who we were. Who I was.

I think this line is wonderful, because a lot of us have the innate desire to be known.

Even if the
apocalypse is now, I can still enjoy today.

I'm really taken by the fact that the narrator chooses to look on the bright side of life. It's heart-warming. Instead of bemoaning imminent death and destruction, they decide to connect with their loved ones and appreciate the time they have left.

Why could it not
stay

Yesterday,

I suggest revising this to:
"Why could it not
have stayed this way?"


My overall impression is pretty good. I appreciate the enjambments - they draw out the feelings in each line and create a melancholic rhythm of sorts - and think the structure of the poem is marvellous. It extends the entire poem, which seems to create an effect of stretching out time itself; the narrator seems to be agonizing over the apocalypse, but resigns themselves to it and decides to spend the time they have doing what they can. It's great stuff, I tell you.

It's been a while since I read other people's poems, and this was a good place to begin again. It's a sad poem, but it's reminded me that the life we have now is a gift worth using.
Thank you.

~Lee