I don’t know why I’m recording myself. I guess I’m just bored… No. It’s because I want someone to know what happened. I… I… I know someone, somewhere will hear this, and I also know that by the end of this they will hate me. So be it.
I’m Bellatrix Marie St. Claire. Formal, I know. And no, I’m not a witch who went to a wizardry school opposite to Hogwarts. My parents are huge nerds, and the series was popular when I was born. Don’t worry, my brothers’ names are Remus, Albie, and Nevel. My sisters are Luna and Myrtle. The tragedy of having five siblings is beyond explanation. Anyways, I don’t go by Bellatrix. It’s lame. And, no, I don’t go by Trixie or Bella either. I’m Becks. Bexie if you want me to punch you in the face. Just Becks. No hearts or diamonds or stars. Just Becks. That’s the way I like it.
Not that I like much of anything anymore. The general population of the world has kind of ruined happiness for me. I used to love the moon, until my sister told me the silver reminded her of the razor she cuts herself with. I loved the sun until Maleficent (a.k.a. Mallory Jansen) stole my brother with her thick golden hair. I loved the sky until my blue eyed mother died. I loved the very concept of love until the first time my father hit me, and it shattered my heart. I loved a lot of things, especially Sterling. Sterling was my forever.
Sterling Knight was seventeen when I met him. I was only thirteen, but he made my heart pound. He was in high school and loved to play guitar and was kind of a bad boy, ya know? I thought that he was the love of my life. I was right. For once.
I met him at a bonfire that I went to with my sister, Luna, who was sixteen. She was perfect. She had sleek black hair and vivid green eyes with pale skin like a goddess. Everyone else thought it too. She was perfect unlike my muddy hazel eyes blotchy olive skin and tangly light brown hair. I was a mess.
But Sterling noticed me. He noticed the lanky, awkward little eighth grader. I wonder to this day why he did. Maybe he saw I was with Luna or just was bored of everyone else. I don’t know. He did is all that matters. He said, “Hey,” poetic right? And asked me every question under the stars. Never once stopping me when I babbled even though it made absolutely no sense. Sterling was my first kiss. Under the moon and the stars we kissed behind the oak tree in my backyard. It was perfect. We sang stupid songs with the radio and ate Doritos and salsa. In that moment, I let my guard down for the very first time. I loved myself... and him, especially him. I wanted to be with Sterling forever more than I had ever wanted anything before. That summer before high school was the best thing that ever happened to me. For the longest time I believed it too. Then I started freshman year. Everything changed. I know you are probably bored to tears by the gushy, mushy, cheesy love story that I retold. Don’t pause the CD. It gets better, I mean worse, I mean... Whatever. You get the idea.
I was prepared just like everyone else. Pencils, paper, a new phone. I wanted this to be my school. Cliche, I know, but I was the hopeful 9th grader who wanted to be big! I was in too many extra curricular activities to count, I had all of the teachers eating from the palm of my hand before the end of the day, and I had a boyfriend: Sterling. I had everything figured out. I thought so anyway. Then I saw Maleficent, the girl who stole my brothers heart. She was popular because she had boobs by fifth grade, and to most guys… that’s all that matters. Most guys… but not Sterling. He was different. Or so I thought. Until the day I caught him kissing Luna by the junior’s lockers. It was no peck on the cheek either. They made out for a full two minutes before Sterling came up for air and looked behind him to see a heartbroken me staggering down the hallway sobbing and slobbering all over my new binders and note cards. My world was shattered. No… obliterated. Luna was going to pay! And Sterling, he was going to die.
I’m not crazy! You all know that Sterling Knight was killed in a car accident, so do I, but I know why. I broke up with him, left him with his heart obliterated too. I wanted him to know that his pain could be that of mine. I didn’t want him to actually die. I swear! I just wanted to mess with his head. And I did. I let it be bashed into the side of a windshield...that hit a semi. I was on the phone with him and I heard him begin to cry into the phone. Then I heard him scream and then a huge crash...and then silence. The worst kind of silence.
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Hey, I'm here to review! Well, you've got them nice already, so I'll just skip to the thing that bugs me.
You said the protagonist was on the phone with him but you didn't specify who called who first. I mean, if she's guilty for killing him, then that means she called him first. If not, then she would be guilty because she was the reason he made that call (and it made him stupid, making a call while driving). I think this needs details because you've been saying she's guilty but we don't know the exact reason for it.
Echoing BlueAfrica's comment, I think this short story is too short for a plot too big. You need to think each step for every event, because the events can't be summarized with just one or two paragraphs.
This paragraph for example. You're introducing Sterling, right? Might as well show his personality as best as you could. Tell us in details of how the Becks meets him - what makes her like him? Saying he is in high school and loved to play guitar is like introducing someone to others - we can't feel anything about that someone. We need an event that gives us a clear picture of Sterling's personality, her chemistry with Becks, and how their relationship ends. These events have potential to make us emotional, but only if told in details.
That is all! For an idea, this is actually good. You just need to be patient and go through each event to get all the content right and enough. Keep it up!
Okay. So right now I’m having a hard time believing in this great love had by the narrator and Sterling. Not so much because she is thirteen and he is seventeen at the time, but because right now nothing gives me much reason to believe that this particular seventeen-year-old would be so completely in love with this particular thirteen-year-old.
Here’s the problem. The bit about the love story—really the whole thing, but that more than anything—reads more like a summary of a love story than an actual love story. Example: The narrator says, “And asked me every question under the stars,” but I have no idea what any one of these questions actually is. Does he ask her favorite color? Her birthday? The name of her first pet? Or maybe he wants to know something a little deeper, like her biggest dreams. I don’t know what kinds of things he was interested in knowing about her, and I don’t know what any of her responses were. Similarly, the fact that he was her first kiss. That’s nice and everything, but there’s almost no detail about said kiss. A first kiss is a big deal! And with an older boy, too. I mean, was she nervous? Excited? Did she want to look like she knows what she’s doing, or was he completely aware he was her first kiss? Was it a gentle kiss so he wouldn’t scare her too much, or was it a hard kiss because he wanted to kiss her so much? What about the follow-up kisses? There’s so much here, but I don’t know any of it, because right now it’s all summarized instead of given to me in scenes.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I know you wanted to get to the car crash and her feelings of guilt for “killing” her boyfriend—even though he was the one snogging her sister at school where it was basically impossible to keep that a secret (even if she hadn’t caught them, SOMEONE would’ve seen and let her know, presumably)—but right now I have a hard time buying that he was so in love with her and that his heart was “obliterated” by her breaking up with him.
(On that note, kudos to her for doing it. I think a lot of young girls in their first relationship would’ve given him a second chance or even more chances than that if he turned out to be a serial cheater, so I think it shows something strong about her that she broke up with him even though she loved him so much despite his cheating.)
Plus, what about details of the phone call itself? How did that conversation go? I mean specific words, not general details like “I broke up with him” and “he cried.” I think this could be a really interesting story, but you’ve got to give us more to go on.
Feel free to PM me with any questions!
BlueAfrica
Thanks for the review!!!! I had a reason for summarizing the piece. Becks was retelling the story on a recording to people she didn't exactly know, and she was ashamed for "killing" the love of her life. She was supposed to be, in the good moments, so swept away by the passion that she just kept going, and in the sad parts, so traumatized she could barely speak. Let me remind you that this was a "monologue" of a 13-year-old girl who thinks she just killed someone. I don't think I would be giving up all the juicy details either. Her recording was to make a point not to give all of the little details that might make the listener go "Awwwww." She hates herself at the moment.
I see your point, but I'd hope that in that case the readers would get to see more detail later on. Plus, if in some moments she's so swept away by passion that she keeps on going, I'd expect to see some detail because in those moments she's not thinking about her guilt - she's thinking about this beautiful romance she had. And then suddenly she'd remember why she's talking about this in the first place, the guilt would come back, the passion would cut off, and she'd stop being so detailed again. Just a thought.
This piece isn't over yet. I'm definitely adding to it.
sorry it submitted the same comment again! that was a glitch...
This was such an interesting story. Such heartbreak, such sadness. The way you made the character speak, I felt like I was really watching the video that the girl is making. I'm interested as to why she was talking on the phone with him if she was so heart broken over him. I have really no criticism for this story. Keep up the good work! Can't wait to see more of what you write!
This was such an interesting story. Such heartbreak, such sadness. The way you made the character speak, I felt like I was really watching the video that the girl is making. I'm interested as to why she was talking on the phone with him if she was so heart broken over him. I have really no criticism for this story. Keep up the good work! Can't wait to see more of what you write!
Wow, it's a great story! I feel like the character is seriously a real person, they speak so authentically and with a lot of personal flavor. Good job! I really don't have any suggestions as of now, however I do like the semi-mystery deep killed Sterling at the end, and your small summary really pulled me in! Fantastic job! Keep up the great work!
Before we talk about the story, I love how you made it a mystery of whether she did it... or maybe not just by the description.. it makes it sound interesting and I had an even stronger urge to read it! Second, I love how you talked about loving things, and once someone died and they reminded you of that thing, you didn't love it anymore. I also love how you keep it a mystery of if she killed him or not... this is an amazing story and I feel like i should read it again! Keep up the good work.
Thanks! I really enjoyed writing this 'monologue' of sorts.