I am the ring around Saturn
Spinning words as particles of ice and dust
With the power to transcend
I am the original chosen to be right here right now
Transmitting verbal frequencies
Through speaking my thoughts into existence
I am the heir of omnipotence,
Born with a direct connection to profound abundance
The one whose words will age, yet still have substance;
Since there are no boundaries attached to my pen
I am the core
I am that I am more
I am the Divine Presence that is the Source of my rewards
I am the green you get when you mix too much yellow with the blue
That shade of gold you get when the sun resides into darkness
And when it ascends in the dawn burning dew
I am the transition between the third and fourth dimension of time;
The love you feel when you realize how it feels
I am the rhythm that the wind blows
I am the beginning and the ending of stories told
About the universe and how miracles unfold
I hold the power to accept judgement from those who will do just that
Not knowing that I am them in the absolute reality of me
Judge that
I am knowledge beyond measure because that is my right
So I continue meeting the different parts of me
When I meditate and write
Who am I?
I am Winston Abernathey, junior in high school
Everyone is ready for this to be “my school” but--
Sometimes all I want to do is seep into the background
Of football and purple and navy
Go Chapline Porcupines!
Right?
Wrong.
I am Winston Abernathey...a dreamer
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140,602 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hi there and happy review day!
Im going to do my best to review this work on my tablet so pardon any of the misspellings and whatnot.
Anyways,
Winston seems like a typical egocentric twat and thats obciously how you felt he needed to be portrayed. Being that as it may, maybe you piled the egocentric ness on too think, in my opnion. Winston seems to think hes the end all be all of everything which he isnt so maybe add something later on that pulls him back from this or something winston does have the potential to have added characterization to him, otherwise i think its a good poem, not the best and not the worst. Just a little hard to get through all the egotistical work
The last review was incorrect, I get harsh.
This failed to impress me at all. I appreciate the metaphors and the egocentric personality of Winston, but that's not really a good thing at all. If you want him to see like a jerk, then you sure are doing that. I personally don't want to read anything with him in the future because it doesn't look like you can really develop him as a character. I don't know. This just wasn't the poem for me.
thanks.
Warning: I get a bit tough, but I'm not trying to bash at all. I actually liked this work, despite a certain point brought about. I'm not trying to be mean, but if I do make you upset, I apologize in advance.
Thank you
Wait, what?
Ok . . . I'm gonna go through this slowly so that I can actually get my head around this lol
So for the majority of this, I was under the impression that you were personifying knowledge. You do a very good job of making the narrator sound all-knowing, and actually kinda arrogant because they talk about being a "divine presence" and "the transition between the third and forth dimension." This is great evidence that the narrator is in fact knowledge, and honestly, despite the set-up, which has already been addressed in the previous comment by xJupiter, is truly a great concept that I think you could really have fun with.
And then Winston Abernathey comes in and makes everything confusing.
So you're trying to tell me that this personality, which you've already set up as all knowing and has basically reached Nirvana, is actually just a junior in High School with an interesting mindset?
Uh, ok.
The big issue for me is that you're giving Winston WAY TOO MUCH CREDIT. Winston, considering his thought process, is definitely an intelligent character, I'll give him that much. However, no human being can call themselves "divine" and still be taken seriously unless you're trying to relay this person is a narcissist. Besides that, the guy is only, at most, 17 years old? 18 maybe? The human mind doesn't even reach full maturity until 25, so there's no possible way this guy could be all-knowing, that, and HUMANS AREN'T PERFECT.
Humans are wired to not be perfect, we make mistakes, we don't know everything because our minds cannot carry that much information. Heck, humans are too dumb to figure out how to use more than 10% of our brains abilities!
So, for you to try to introduce a god on earth type of identity isn't believable, and distracting. As soon as he reveals his identity, he goes into football and even gives the mascot a shout-out. In comparison to everything previous that is said, it is so out-of-character that honestly, you lose everything to that immature move.
I don't know what else to say. You have such great potential, I hope to see more work from you in the future.
Keep writing!
~Maddie
Hello! racket here to review your poem! Is your name actually Winston? O.O If it is, lucky you, 'cause you got an awesome name. I am jealous...
XD Okay, so, I really like this! It's kind of mysterious and boundless and random in ingenious spots, so good job! I am enjoying it still...
I would like to suggest the usage of commas and stanzas throughout your poem. Also, your poem deserves a period at the end, but it does not get one!!! NO!!! It needs one!!! For the sake of my sanity, please put a period at the end. Also, please go through your poem and pull specific thoughts into their own stanzas and USE COMMAS. Commas are like one of the most important parts of poetry, in my opinion. They make everything better, emphasizing, dramatic-izing, pointing out different ideas, etc. So, yeah, please use some punctuation!
I do not know what this line means... rephrase please! Any way you look at it, it does not make much sense. And I have a feeling it means something important.
I forgot to also suggest using periods to end your stanzas. That is also extremely important.
This, though slightly out of place with the sophistication of your other lines, is by far my favorite line. XD I can sooo relate to the idea that we are mistakes just waiting to happen, that have happened, but we just own it! XD Anyways, that's how I interpreted that. I may quote this line, is that alright?
Again, not making much sense here. The love you feel when someone else loves you and you know it? Needless to say, this needs rephrasing.
That line about the 'sun residing into darkness', I think it would make a bit more sense if you said 'when the sun resigns itself to darkness', just 'cause 'resides' is a more of 'I am sitting here not moving' term, while what I think you're going for is a 'I am moving into darkness, not already there' term.
I don't think the part about your name and school is relevant. I mean, it kind of us, but not really. Almost none of your readers will know that you are Winston Abernathey and that you happen to want to fade into the background at your Chapline school. It's just kind of useless info that you had to shove into our heads in order for us to get the point you were trying to make. You could just say something along the lines of 'I am who I am, whether I want to hide in the shadows or not, whether I want to stand out or not!' So, yeah, maybe rephrase it a bit more abstractly? Again, I love the name Winston... (you lucky person...)
Weeeeellll.... that's most of what I see that I think you should change. Dang, you've been on, what, two days and you've already got out like six good poems? I wish I was so good. So, what I mean is, keep it up! The two I've read are great, so, yeah, good job! You've got a motivational poetry thing going on, don't you?
~racket
My name isn't actually Winston, unfortunately. %uD83D%uDE2D But this is a character I used to represent that people aren't always on the inside what they are expected to be on the outside.
Ah, I see. Well, good name choice.
Hey BlueDaisy2018, I'm here to check out some of your work, eh?
The first thing I noticed in this poem was the format. This is a thing that a lot of writers mess up with, and I've done it a few times, myself. But you need to separate this into stanzas. It may not seem important, but if you put it into stanzas it looks nicer and it is more organized.
In the second line I believe it would sound better to replace "as" with "like."
It would be better for you to take off the first "right," or at least word it differently. The phrase "right here right now" sounds a bit weak, at least to me.
In line six, take out "through," it'll make that line sound a bit better.
All these lines rhyme, yet most of the others don't. This would be a bit better as a free verse poem. But this is a nice vocabulary you have here, or at least you had the decency to use a thesaurus. Good call.
This line doesn't work well, you can't use "I am" twice, it doesn't make any sense and sounds a bit dumb.
This line is not needed.
This poem needs some more punctuation. The only punctuation you had was that semicolon in that rhyming section you had up at the top, and the few punctuation marks you had at the bottom. Punctuation is important! It helps separate your lines, just like stanzas.
-xJ ♥︎