El Salsa Diablo
by Jamie Hall
Hi. Um, hola.(broken Spanish)Como estas?(pause)Yeah, um… can I get some chips and salsa? Chips and salsa?(pause)Diablo? Yeah, that sounds fine.(pause)I said um… muy bueno. Gracias. What’s the point of going to Mexico if they can’t even understand you when you talk to them?(opens phrase book)Well, I guess I can always practice my Spanish. Como estas? … Gracias. … De nada. … Yo tengo un perro. … Me llama (insert your name). … Feliz Cumpleanos! … Feliz Navid-- Oh, si. Gracias. Quiero agua? What? My dog? No. Aaaaguaaa. Agua. Si. Agua. Gracias. Well now they can’t speak in English or Spanish! Great! What? Am I in Germany or something? (pause) Ooh! Chips and salsa. Gracias. Well, I’d better figure out what I want to eat first. Let’s see. Carne Adobada. No. Too red. Tacos de Papa. Papa? What is that? (opens phrase book)Let’s see… It’s either the Pope, my dad, or a potato… Not going to take the chance. Mole Verde Zacatecano. What the heck is that? The chicken looks green. Ew. This restaurant gets sketchier be the minute! Pambazos. What kind of name is Pambazo? Hmmm. Aha! Enchiladas! Finally something I recognize! Now for the chips and salsa. I’ll just get a nice big scoop… (eats chip)Mmm. It’s okay. Not as good as my mom’s sa-- (begins to breath heavily through mouth)What is that? It’s so spicy! What did he say the salsa was called? Pablo or something? (pause)No! Not you Pablo! The salsa! La salsa es Pablo! Que? Ohhhhhhh. Diablo. Well whatever it is, it’s hot.(starts to pant and sweat)Whew. It’s hot in here, don’t you think. Waiter! Waiter! Waiter! Me gusto mi agua pronto! Pronto!(starts to freak out)It’s so hot! My mouth is on fire! (fans mouth dramatically)What does diablo even mean?(opens phrase book and flips through frantically)Devil! Diablo means devil? I’m getting out of here. Mexico sucks.