They tell you that if you run too fast, you’ll trip
And if you jump too high, you’ll fall
And even if you swim as hard a s you can--
No one reaches the other side of the ocean
And you still run too fast and jump to high and swim too far
And you fall
Just like they said you would
Just like everyone said you would
And they are leaning over your shoulder and whispering in your ear
“I told you so”
Over and over
And over
And over
Again and again
And we still keep running and jumping and swimming
And falling
But you get up
You get up even though they say you won’t
But you do
And you keep running
Even though you probably will fall
And you keep jumping
Wishing you could fly
And you keep swimming
Even though it’s stacked a million to one that you won’t reach the other side of the ocean
But we just keep swimming,
Just keep swimming
Because that’s what we live for
The breath that is sucked, like a vacuum from our lungs
The tickle in your stomach, just as you are about to start heading downward
The joy you feel when you look around you, only to see blue sky and sea
So we will never stop even though chance is there
12% chance you will break your leg running
27% chance you will fall flat on your back when you jump
1% chance you will reach the other side of the ocean
But it doesn’t matter
100% your heart will be broken
But-- We still choose to love
Pain comes with the chance to live
And I’m 99% sure
But there’s always that chance…
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
This is beautifully written.
Keeping writing, keep pushing and always dream big and believe.
It's not by coincidence I came across this and I have once had these thoughts you've shared. Always hold that one thing that persuades pursue life!
Okay I didn't see any big problems with this poem... but I looove the idea of it! Saying things we do even though nothing huge comes out of it and there is something greater but we don't care.. or at least that's what I get out of it. I like how there is no rhyme so it is easy to read and can sound almost like you are speaking. I also like how you use 2nd person to relate to readers... well done!!
Hello BlueDaisy! racket here to review your work!
I really like this! I think everyone can relate to this, which is always a goal when writing anything. I like your jumping, running, swimming metaphor things, and the percentages at the end. So, yeah! Good job! I have a couple of comments/suggestions you may want to look into to make your poem a bit better.
Okay, well, I would first like to suggest the usage of punctuation here. You really only have hyphens and ellipse's, so I think some commas at the end of lines would really be beneficial, as well as a period here and there. I would suggest rereading your poem out loud so you can hear where you want to put pauses. People tend to read the way they talk, so, yeah, commas where you pause for breathe and conjoining thoughts, and periods where you end a thought or point.
I might also suggest spacing your lines out? Maybe not in stanzas - stanzas don't really go with your poem's style - but maybe you can group some together and emphasize others with spaces between the surrounding lines? I think that could really help your emphasis on some lines and stressing the importance of others to the theme.
I think this line would work a bit better if you changed it to "You get up even though they said you wouldn't/couldn't" Your choice of that last word. I think 'couldn't' works a bit better, but it really is a matter of meaning, yes?
There's this spot in your poem near the end where you go on for four or five lines stressing the joys of swimming - but you don't do this with either running or jumping. I think you should take this part out because it's a bit off topic and random, even though it's technically related. I thought you were using running, jumping, and swimming for metaphors in never giving up on things you love and all that jazz, but then you got literal with the swimming and it kind of messes the poem up. Don't get me wrong, I love swimming and I'm sure you do too, based off this poem, but still. It just doesn't fit in well with the rest of the poem.
Well, that's pretty much it! There's a few little spots here and there that could be reworded, but I think if you read aloud the poem you'll catch them and be able to find them. And if you don't catch them, they aren't worth changing. Thanks for letting me nit-pick your poem! I really like this, very motivational and inspiring. It's very well done, and I hope my suggestions can help make it even better! Thanks for your time. Keep up the great work!
~racket
Thank you for reviewing my poem!!!!! I really appreciate what you said and your--though somewhat brutal--honesty. Everything you said was right, though the swimming part was also a metaphor for the perseverance through the journey and the release and joy once you are successful. I really do appreciate your review!!!!
Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to be brutal, honestly! XD I try to point out what I like and what I think could be better, but I guess I didn't do so well pointing out how much I liked your poem... It is really good! I'm sorry I sounded like I didn't like it...
it's okay. some constructive criticism is good. dont worry about it.
hey! And you should check out my other poem: I am... a Dreamer!
Okay! Will do!
Hey, BlueDaisy! I'm here to review... obviously. :p
And even if you swim as hard a s you can--
Just a nitpick, you've got one too many spaces.
I really like the beginning of your poem, the way you described things people tell us not to do, yet we still do them. My favourite part comes from this chunk:
And you fall
Just like they said you would
It's simple, yet concludes the "intro" and really sets the theme of your poem in stone. The 'I told you so' was also extremely powerful.
Your use of repetition is great, it also sets a nice pace for the poem. There's a sense of hope that comes from this poem, to keep aiming high even though people tell you to stop. And I like how you included statistics, since they rule so many people's lives.
I have only one suggestion...
But we just keep swimming
About halfway through, you switched from 'you' to 'we', then throughout you swap every now and then. Though this isn't that big of a deal, the first time it happened my nice flow was disrupted.
Anyway, it was really an awesome poem and I enjoyed reading it! Please write more!
Thank you!!!!! That means a lot!!!!
Wow. very nice poem. I love poems, which are what i write. This poem made me feel... confident? Im sorry this is my first review, and im just trying to get enough points to post something. BTW im 8 years old so please dont judge what im about to do.
Well time to waste words
I like words
How was your day?
Im in elelmentary school
How old are you?
I like trains
Do you like trains?
Trains are very fun
Bye!
Steve
Never waste your words
I also like words
My day was great!
I'm a Sophmore in High School
I'm 15
I have a grandpa who likes trains
Trains are fascinating
I'm glad you like trains so much
Au Revior!
Jamie
This is beautifully written.
Keeping writing, keep pushing and always dream big and believe.
It's not by coincidence I came across this and I have once had these thoughts you've shared. Always hold that one thing that persuades pursue life!