Crybaby
1
I'm Jewel, I'm not really that much of a jewel really. Sometimes good names are given to the wrong kids. I'm one of those unlucky kids, I'm not saying I'm a pain in butt, well I am. I mean... I'm not rude, naughty and stuff like that. I'm just annoying, a tiny bit of a cry baby and kind of insecure...? I always care what people think to, and I cry everday (mostly at school). I forgot to mention important stuff about me. I'm 15, I'm from Scotland and yeah. I guess thats all you need to know for now.
I'm really tired of always being miserable, its hard to be happy, I really do try. Then, when I'm happy, I end up getting sad. Really sad, like really sad. Oh yeah, I'm bit of a loner. All of my friends got tired of me and left. Like not really. They just started becoming a bit mean and talking to me in moody voices. But now, its getting serouis. I don't think people are realising I have feelings, and I'm a human. Like them. Thats my sad side.
Now meet my quirky side:
Okay, so I am cheesy and quirky as hell. I'm acctually really happy at times. Like, really happy. I smile and say stuff like:
'Take a chill pill, dude'
'Pizza is life'
'Hello dudess'
'Hello my dudes'
'Dood'
Stuff like that. Eh, there is really no happy side to me. I guess your just going to have to put up with me
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,854 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Hmm...so this was a pretty interesting take on the first chapter of a story, I don't think I've ever quite seen something like this being used for the first chapter. Hmm....well more details below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....well that's an interesting way to start a story off, the protagonist talking to us but also...it looks like the protagonist here is just straight up saying all the bad qualities they think they have there, that almost seems concerning there considering how sad he does seem to be about things there...I don't know...perhaps I'm reading a bit too much into it. Well seems like they could be an interesting character at any rate.
Okay...well now we're really going into some horrible scenes there...that does not sound like a healthy environment to be in at all, the almost resigned tone that seems to be spread out over this thing is quite interesting...and it just generally looks like you've created what could be a pretty horrible situation for this character here, it appears that he doesn't seem to be able to make friends and the ones that pretend to be friends are all just bullies that end up shunning him.
Okay...well this is an interesting choice of structure there to introduce someone's quirkiness, having an actual just list of statements is not something I've seen before and I don't quite know if something like that would work, I feel like this is a part of a character that needs to be sort of shown later through the story itself rather than listed out here.
Hmm...interesting line to end on at any rate....well looks like the first chapter here is just the main character introducing himself to us.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was an interesting start to say the least, I'm not quite sure this would be the best of starts, but well...it seems like it could be an interesting idea at any rate. Anyway that's all I gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey! Ashlingwolf here! Happy review day!
I really liked this piece. I mean, while I can exactly go on about how it really captures the profoundness of my soul, I found it pretty well written, and I think the plot could go in all sorts of different directions. I find this opening really intriguing, particularly because Jewel has the two different types of personalities. With the two personalities being so fundamentally different, one being so depressing and sad, while the other is quirky and fun. I wouldn't say that Jewel is bipolar, but I feel like these personalities are going to conflict in different ways. Since I will definitely keep reading, I look forward to seeing this play out.
Keep in mind to always proofread-
"...your just going to..." -you're
"...its getting seroius..." -serious
I look forward to seeing this story play out.
-ashlingwolf.
Hey, so this is interesting.
Grammatical Etc. errors:
Here you are missing the, it should be in between in and butt.
There should be an apostrophe in thats.
Ok, so you repeat really. Maybe try putting extremly or some other synonym of really.
Again, there should be an apostrophe in thats.
Again try and find a different word than really.
Characters: We definitely are able to learn a lot about the main character since that is the whole point of this chapter it seems.
Descriptions: Other than the characters emotions and personality there is none.
Here is a good point you could add description of the character (what they look like).
Plot: The plot didn't go much of anywhere in this chapter, but it definitely had a lot of options and ways it could go.
Vocabulary: Your vocabulary could use a little spicing up because you use the same words a lot of the time.
Overall this is a good start to your story and should lead to a good story.
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel