Young Writers Society

Hi BloodRayne! Welcome to YWS.

Alright, so coming in after having read up to Heir of Fire just recently, this is really really inspired by Throne of Glass, I can tell it models it rather closely. It kind of struck me as a fanfiction at first, though I'm not sure if that's what you were going for. If that was, then you've got a good start, although you'll want to make your own twists away from the book's plot and maybe toss in some new characters too. I know ToG, and I love it and that writing style; whatever this is going to be, I want your own writing style to come across. You can use the familiar characters and setting, then throw them into new things and show off your own personality and style. Also, since practice is in the title, I hope to see some works of yours from whatever characters and ideas you think up yourself!

The reviewers below me had a good point about the dialogue, so I won't say that again. The whole thing has a bit of a rushed feel to it: she ran out after the ball, then the prince was waiting for her, they kissed, he left. It would be good to develop the setting a bit more, just adding in some brief descriptions to give the readers a good sense of what things look like and it sets the tone too.

And thoughts and emotions! She's obviously falling/fallen in love, but earlier it says she was supposed to hate him. Did she gradually start to like him? Did she just realize her feelings there and then? Expand on her emotions!

One last thing- I found this bit kind of awkward:

I was hushed, something was preventing me from speaking that’s when I realized. It was his lips, sealed on mine, gentle, maybe even loving.

It doesn't make sense to me that she'd be hushed, then "suddenly realize" that he's kissing her? It just seems kind of odd the way you phrased it. Maybe something like, "I was hushed as his lips...(etc.)" Does that make sense?

Anyway, you've got a good start, and I hold you write more! Let me know if you have any questions or if you want another review anytime. c:

-Falco

Hello BloodRayne and welcome to YWS. Princess Ink (or Knight Ink) is going to leave a review. I never read THRONE OF GLASS so I don't really know about it, so please let me know if I err here. Since BiscuitsLeGuin already covered the nitpicky stuff, I'll be a little more general.

First of all, I want to address talking heads. The dialogue here could be filled in with a little more detail:

“You never said goodbye, I hardly noticed you were leaving”

“I was getting tired”

“May I come in”

“I don’t see why not”

Unless there's a really good reason or the characters have wildly different dialects, talking heads can confuse readers. A little no-dialogue-tags can move the flow faster, but too much is just confusing. Just an example re-write:

The prince approached me from behind.“You never said goodbye, I hardly noticed you were leaving."

“I was getting tired.” I stifled a yawn.

“May I come in?”

“I don’t see why not.”

The reason it's called talking heads is because we don't know what the characters are doing other than talking. This article goes more in depth about them.

Another place of improvement may be setting. I'd like to feel the atmosphere there. Is the library forbidding? cozy? empty? Is there anything unusual there? Since Celeania is an assassin, she might be especially cautious, even if she falls for the prince. I see that she keeps rebuking herself for hoarding romantic feelings, right? So I do assume that she is a little careful here--she's in enemy territory.

Celeania's voice is a little sarcastic in my opinion and I can feel the "try-to-keep-her-wits-straight" attitude shining through, even if she's swept away by the prince. I do like the conflict in her head and I wonder how will it turn out. How can she kill him when she's in love? But I thought the prince was rather flat--in other words, too perfect. He was like the Perfect Prince in Cinderella or Snow White, and I'd love to see more depth from him. I know Celeania views him as "perfect", but he's just that--a prince in love. If you continue writing this, I hope we can see a little more from him.

Even though stuff like "forbidden love" is used a lot, I'm interested to see how the ending will come up as: a tragedy? a happy ending? Just the theme forbidden love can have a ton of twists and turns!

I think that's all I've got to say here. Don't hesitate to message me if you have any questions (including YWS stuff!) and I hope my review helped.

Hey, I'll do some nit-picks first then into an overall discussion:

I was too focused on well, that was the problem I was too focused on Dorian.

This sentence is a bit confused and could do with some more varied punctuation. This is how I would intuitively write that: "I was too focused on... Well, that was the problem - I was too focused on Dorian." But pretty much all that's essential is some sort of pause between "problem" and "I".

He danced with only me and I was lost.

This was a little jarring. Usually when people are too focused on things, it's because they're obsessing over them, or at least that's my instinct. I think it would help to introduce this a little earlier. For example: "Well, that was the problem - I was too focused on Dorian. My eyes got lost in him as he danced with me - and only me, for the whole night!" That said, the suggestion of "for the whole night!" there is because I think something like that would fit your tone, which I think you've got across very well in this first paragraph.

“You never said goodbye, I hardly noticed you were leaving”

“I was getting tired”

“May I come in”

“I don’t see why not”

There should be full stops at the ends of each of these sentences.

he closed gently behind him

should be an "it" between "closed" and "gently".

I was hushed, something was preventing me from speaking that’s when I realized.

This sentence needs a bit more punctuation. It should definitely be a full stop instead of a comma, then either another full stop after "speaking" or a dash or ellipsis or something.

I closed the door and tried to pin point what it was I was feeling the strange giddiness building up inside of me.

This took me quite a while to figure out but it's literally just a comma before "the strange" that's needed xD

Overall:

Plot: Simple and easy to follow. Forbidden love is a tried and tested formula and I'm interesed to see what spin you put on it.

Setting: Not a whole lot. Some personal items in her room might be nice to add a bit of characterisation.

Character: I really get a good idea of your main character. If I'm reading it right her name is Celeania? Yeah, she's cool. Very personalised and not just the rigid idea of a high born woman. I'm not sure how much I actually get of Dorian. I get that she likes him, but it's hard to get invested with this when I don't know enough about him to actually understand why. A way to do this could be to extend their conversation before they start kissing. I could see a nice chemistry between them and understand how she had come to fall in love.

Flow: I think the scene between the two of them was a bit too short - as I've explained in the character section. Also it might have been nice to see some of the dance itself, even if it's just Celeania flashing back to it for more than just a sentence.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits