Okay guys I worked really hard on this piece so be gentle please ;-;
“Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
It was a hot day in Missippii City and it was the job of Mr Robert. Forst’s job to help with that job He grabbed his giant brown cone hat and slapped into his seat and sped out of the garage. without hesistation he flicked the switch and the sounds of “dadada da da da da” blasted through the cone mic above his van. today would be a refreshing day filled with deformed bubbles popiscles.
Time Skip: 10 Years into the Future
It was the year 2036 and Kat Burgendy (the cat burgler) was off again. He slid through the wall of wire using a sheet of tin foil and using some pro-wire work almost flew across the mueseum cieling but the job was not over. He grabbed his burglary tools, using an odd cellular device to cut all cameras in his path his path and replacing the footage with an elderyly woman cleaning her feet. they would never see him coming.,
Using a second sheet of foil he danced a conga through the cross laser beams losing a lock of his pink hair as his foot slipped. “that was my favorite hair” he swore under his breath. He has a deep musky voice, the voice of an angel crossed with Tom Selleck (who was also an angel but don’t tell anyone). Kat grabbed a nail file from his heels cutting a circle in the glass case within the safe and gaining access to the diamond.
“finally the diamond is mine.” he said and swiped it from the pedital, which was a stupid move. Like in all movies the diamond was on a pressure stand and once lifted the room filled with a deadly gas that would kill Kat within seconds. Kat acted quick grabbing a charge of dynamite and throwing it into the air the explosion went off a few feet above him, he was fine, and made a large hole in the safe cieling for him where he could climb out before the gas got to him.
Time Skip: 5 hours
“Blasted that blast blasted me in the butt not I am on the run from those cops because of the diamond I stole. I have to find a place to hide it, no way I can escape into the night with a diamon, it’s not like I have pockets. But I need somewhere safe to put it. where could that be. Oh I know, the ice cream truck I used to own before I changed my name for my new profession as a cat burglar, like the lady from the Wombat.”
Kat was conviently a block from his old truck and was able to hide the diamon in a thing of rocky road ice cream and spent the night in the truck. but when he woke up the van was very hot so he decided to move it into the shade where he could sleep beter.
it was then that all the kids went to the truck wantin g the delicious ice cream for their own. “go away kids, i quit because of your snot brained hi junx years ago and I was so close to retirement too. only three days.”
Kat grabbed a hand ful of ice cream things from the truck freeze thingy and threw them out the window and watched the kids run in a mess to them. “like ants” kat laughed and raced away. but he soon realized his grave mistake and ran to the freezer, searching for the rocky road.
“Oh no I lose the diamond, this is some deep hi jinx.” He petted his dog sidekcik, who sat in the shotgun. “looks like we’re in for a rocky road, Jagty.” they laughed at the clever pun.
END OF CHAPTER 1 OF 10
This is a prequel to Jagty: The Crime Solving Pooch. It stars the dog as he solves crimes with his trusty lizard sidekick, Aetball, who can see into the future.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Bolt. What are you doing?
Writing is my passion.
Hiya!
.
Not bad topic, it's actually pretty interesting in a way. But there are some mistakes...
Quote: "He slid through the wall of wire using a sheet of tin foil and using some pro-wire work almost flew across the mueseum cieling but the job was not over."
Should be: Museum and Ceiling. Truly I do understand with spelling mistakes
Oh, and not elderyly but elderly.
haha....when I read "danced the conga through the cross laser beams" I laughed, good work there!
“Blasted that blast blasted me in the butt not I am on the run from those cops because of the diamond I stole..." I think you meant "Now" not "not".
Try: "I have no place to hide it so, there is no way I can escape into the night with a diamond"
it was then that all the kids went to the truck *wantin g* the delicious ice cream for their own. “go away kids, i quit because of your snot brained *hi junx* years ago and I was so close to retirement too. only three days.” remember to capitalize the I's!!
And watch out for mistakes like: wanting....and how did the "hi junx" fit in there?
“Oh no I lose the diamond, this is some deep hi jinx.” - I didn't understand this.
Other than that keep it up! I think when revised this can be even more interesting!
Thewritersdream
Ok this was good but you could make it less bad ok
i liked aetball i hope he comes back
please fix the bad parts
do more of the good parts
i liked it when kat was sexy please descrube more of cat in the next sequel to it
Ok, I want to start off saying that this looks like A really good Idea ^^ And I like the name of the main character ^^
Now, I don't want to hurt your feelings, we're here to improve each other ^^ so, lets get started.
Ok, first off, the style of the writing was leaning towards sloppy. You were missing caps, and missed one or two periods. That's ok, but maybe you should proof-read it so you can make it sound more official, so your readers don't have to worry about when a sentence ends or begins ^^
Also, I always remember being taught as a kid that you should "Not put what people say in the middle of the paragraph." It can make the flow of the page a little hard to follow.
"Instead, press enter everytime ^^"
Sometimes you may have just a whole page like that, but every good book that I've read has a good flow.
You see, there are many elements to writing, not just a good idea ^^ That of course, is important, but you also have to keep other things in mind like the flow of a page, imagry, and understandability. ^^
Remember; Every good story has a good first paragraph ^^ It's what draws the reader in. The first paragraph in this particular story is, I will admit, slightly confusing. I was able to decipher thatt the man was an ice-cream man, but what does he have to do with the story? While we do find this out a little later, it was a little confusing at first.
The whole story itself seems good, but the way you present it might be a little off. Prehaps this litteral writing is more of ruff-draft, no? You do present alot of action, but it kinda seems like the skeleton of a story, just the basic actions instead of a whole being. That's not bad for starters, but maybe you should change it up a bit ^^ I mean this in the highest respect, author to author ^^
For example, like with this paragraph;
'Using a second sheet of foil he danced a conga through the cross laser beams losing a lock of his pink hair as his foot slipped. “that was my favorite hair” he swore under his breath. He has a deep musky voice, the voice of an angel crossed with Tom Selleck (who was also an angel but don’t tell anyone). Kat grabbed a nail file from his heels cutting a circle in the glass case within the safe and gaining access to the diamond.'
We get that he's making his way through lasers, loses a bit of hair, he swears, and then cuts through the glass to get the diamond. To give it more flow, maybe you can try writing it like this;
'Ever so carefully Kat made his way through the beams. Their red glow engulfed his body as he moved his limbs with learned pricision through the gaps and holes, slowly but surely making his way to his prize; the Diamond. It sat in it's stand, behind it's glass. And soon, it would be his. Then suddenly his foot slipped, losing a lock of pink hair as his head passed within inches of one of the beams
"Damn," He swore as he watched it float to the ground, his deep angelic voice vibrating off the nearby wall, "that was my favorite hair!"
After finishing the obstacle with no other damage, he made his way to the glass case. The glass reflected his greedy eyes as he pulled out his file from it's hiding place in the heal of his shoe. With one swift movement, he cut a hole through the galss. The Diamond was his.'
Now, I'm not claiming to be good, but I have noticed in my 16 years of reading that good flow is important ^^ And I'm not claiming to know more about your characters than you do, cause I don't and never will ^^ I'm sorry if rewriting that paragraph hurt your feelings at all, it was only an example ^^ This kind of stuf takes practice, and lots of it ^^
Prehaps, this particular story belongs in comic, or manga form, no? ^^ I'm sorry if I offend you, but this paricular story reminds me of a comic becoming all words ^^
Well, I hope my review helps you as an author ^^
And by the way, nice avatar picture ^u^
thank
No prob ^^