Two figures stand separated by a river
Too far to speak, left to watch until
Intrigued into an attempt to connect
-
Gazes aren’t what I fear
But the vast void hidden behind their eyes
The ever expanding yet compounding mind
Tied to facades of careening atoms
Unobservable to our naked eyes
Least from the outside
Reason filtered out by a fixed perspective
Leaving only shallow interpretation
-
Two figures separated by a river
They try to meet in the middle
Tools in hand, they venture forward
-
Spent too long treating the walls as my friends
That when I leave I fear I’ve lost their protection
Nothing to stop me from being pulled in
Sealing away a fresh part of me behind their eyes
Without a chance to know the doppelganger
My own bastard child,
conceived separate from me
-
Two figures separated by a river
Edging ever closer as they build
Too self obsessed to check the other
-
Don’t let me plead innocent
I’ll shout victim, but I share the symptoms
Rearranging with each recollection,
twisting impressions to my own terms
Riddled by bias,
stumped
I fall to assumptions
Desperate to make sense of
seeming
-
-
inconsistency
-
Two figures separated by themselves
Sought to connect with each other
But instead they move | past |, barely aware
-
-
-
[spoiler]So this came about through some weird music clashing over each other followed by odd movie clip being played in the background. Which then spawned a desire for me to experiment with a sort of two-in-one kind of poem (at the most bare bones version), to work with shifting moods and more direct images. [/spoiler]...and i just previewed and not only do most of the format gimmicks not show up , the spoiler box code I'm using is either outdated or don't work in literary submission, but either way I'm keeping them for the suggestion/implication. [/spoiler2.0]
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137,699 Literary Works • 672,061 Reviews
Bloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I am hyper c:
Throughout the review, I'm going to call your odd-numbered stanzas "odd-stanzas" and your even-numbered stanzas "even-stanzas"
I am going to echo the use of repetition with "Two Figures..." is fabulous. I enjoyed it for the tone it evokes as well. There is an impersonal nature and a distance that is felt in the language of the piece and it meshes extremely well with the themes and stories the poem conveys. It can easily be Two people, or two lovers, or whatever have you, but the two figures work in this blurry, kind of art-abstraction world of distances and rivers and bridges, the odd-stanzas are simple and straight-forward, and the image of "figure" as just a thing that is composed of silhouettes/shapes/lines is also simple, and just, yes.
The simpleness of the language too, that lays the scene out so matter-of-factly in your odd-stanzas, are also what make it a joy to read. And then, your even-stanzas muddle and complicate and speed things up(in terms of ideas) while also bogging things down(in terms of language) and not so much enjoyable to read, I feel. More attention should be paid to these lines so that, on their own, they're just as enjoyable to read but just appreciated in a different style.
I will say that I do appreciate the music in the even-stanzas, the expanding/compounding/careening sounds with your perspective/interpretation/protection sounds but oh.my.god. is it ever vague and full of so many swimming thoughts I have to plant my feet in and try to untangle them, and I don't get much fruit for the effort. What does the second stanza say that wasn't already said in the first stanza in a much simpler and straightforward way?
Your fourth line does add more to the poem in terms of context, but I feel by this point it comes in too late to enjoy, reads too slow, with the line of the bastard-child that is thrown too sudden and out of no where with little set-up to appreciate.
I like the experimentation, there is definitely a neat vibe behind the poem with the clashing of these two different stylistic forms, I think the danger that we run whenever we have these kinds of things is how one style detracts and negates the positive of the other style, that it becomes hard to enjoy it as a whole.
And. Trust. Me. I.Get.The.Intention.Here. with the clashing forms, it's very on-the-nose metaphor for how relationships can be. It's not that I don't understand where it's coming from, I do, but your form should be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. I want to fall into the content. And so a little straightening and care added for the clarity of your even-stanzas will save this piece.
Anyway, I hope this helps!
~ as always, Audy
This a lot to chew on, and I'mma start chewing, even if I might not be able to swallow it all for awhile. There are a few things tat strike out now that I'm at least gonna talk to myself about to reflect on while its fresh.
also HEY AUDY because, well, Hey.
Your point about the "music" of it is something I think about, but probably need to start think of differently to a degree, so v. helpful to mention.
My edits revolve so heavily around reading aloud (my default style is more Spoken Word oriented), that I often fear I end up alienating readers, because of how much I've made it centered around /my/ reading of it.
The muddled/tangled/sped up bits are my attempts to try and show the more panicked mind, my own specially. How it operates and organized in the face of emotional drowning. ultimately petty concerns.
They should still be clear, I am trying to convey a message. I just wanted those stanzas to be very personal versus the ambiguous Odds. Certain edits I tried felt like being disingenuous of myself.
Not entirely sure how to focus in on feeling honest, while also being clear, because those ideas feel contradictory (for describing myself at least).
But the fact that there isnt much gotten out of entanglement someone's else mind, was a intended part of the poem. I wanted it to tie into the themes of communication failure and disappointment. I'm going have to chew on that more. (and all of these)
While the Odd stanza were created with an intent to be detached, like rational part of a mind trying to pierce through the emotion. A rather simple metaphor for how language (tools) often fail us in communication.Wait, I went on a tangent.
The Disconnection, yeah, it does end up creating a style clash, And yeah, the clashing forms are a pretty basic way for what I was trying for. I wanted to experiment, so I knew it was flawed from the start. So I tried to jump into the deep end, with two radically different tones intending to try and get to the core of the stuff. More learning exercise than true attempt.
and Finally for the Right Now, I can see the redundancies in the fourth stanza. The bastard line is an artifact the early drafts of the stanza/poem, which I guess I was a bit too attached to let go. I'll probably try some re-takes on writing that stanza from the start, so I don't end up latching onto old ideas that don't fit right after edits.
Anyway I've rambled enough for now
Danke Danke for the review
Hey back! I didn't realize you were Bolt until just now!
I think a focus on the reading of a poem is cool! Is it possible to include your reading in the poem itself? Such as a link to a vocaroo recording for example in the piece itself or in future poems? ^_~ That would help me out loads, plus, I get to hear your lovely voice, plus I am curious as to how you would read it.
So, at some point if I catch you, I would love to chat some more about this piece in real time because something you said just gave me a eureka moment x'DD Haha.
My appearances on YWS tend to be pretty sporadic, but if I see you I'll try and reach out, cause your whole Eureka moment intrigues me.
And yee, I wanted to record and add that with this. I used to go to the audio-lab to get clear recordings, (my mic be busted), but they changed the lock codes from last semester, so I'm looking for an alternative right now.
For something that just “came out” this was surprisingly good. But just like every single piece of writing it can still be improved.
First of all, I enjoyed the story you wove within its lines. It was satisfying to read about the journey two people and their attempt to connect.
I absolutely loved how you constantly repeated the first line and just altered the next two lines. It gave emphasis and meaning to the flow of the piece.
One of the things you can improve on with this piece is the way you identify when you change point-of-views. It was a bit confusing for me at first to read the first stanza then the second one. You suddenly shifted from a third person point-of-view to first person. It makes
identifying the identity of the persona a bit difficult.
Also, in terms of punctuations, I would just like to remind you to add periods, commas, dashes, colons, or semi-colons at the end of a line or a stanza.
Overall, I enjoyed this piece. I hope my suggestions helped you. If I missed anything, don’t hesitate to ask me. Keep writing!
- LaPetitePrincess
no
Sorry, that came off far more rude than funny, which my just-awakening head thought it was. I just have a cringe at the general idea of that advice for reasons. (Boring reasons not worth going into)
I'm definitely going to take the other comments into account, and thank you for taking time to look at this and give me feed. Again, I'm sorry for my rudeness.