Severus Snape's Sing-Along Diary Act 1

ACT I

Entry #1

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(Slytherin Common Room)

SNAPE

Ah hahahaha. Ah ha haaaa. A haaaa.

So that’s what James sounds like when he laughs, mostly at me... a lot of people heard him an started laughing along. The terrifying feeling of lots of people staring, pointing...

No response, by the way from my parents yet. All this half-blood stuff sucks when you're in Slytherin. The pure blood mania is exhausting. Especially when Lucius is around. He's just...so judgmental and pure blooded and stuff... 

(grabs letters from off the desk) 

Ok, on to  mail. LightDistrust writes "Hey half-blood," wow, half-blood, that's original... "What happened to the transfiguration spell you were supposed to use on Hagrid's acromantula to turn it into an umbrella? I saw him carrying a big box across the courtyard labeled ARAGOG. Guess you failed again, probably the muggle in you." Ok you know what, yes my father is a muggle, but I am fully wizard. And also it wasn't about transforming Hagrid's spider into an umbrella, it was about... never mind. 

This next one comes from a BeStrange, "Hey Idiot," (Snape shoots a funny look at the camera) "Why didn't you steal the Marauders Map yet from Potter and Black? You really are a coward." Actually BeStrange, I am planning on stealing it from them, very soon. I just, haven't found the proper time or place.

BlackDog writes, "Snivellous, I waited for you at the Quidditch Pitch yesterday, guess you didn't get the previous letter that I sent you with the date and time. Either that or you are just too stupid to know that when your enemy challenges you to a duel, it is wizard protocol to accept." Dude, you are not my enemy. I don't even know who you are... James Potter and his gang are my enemies...

The last one comes from ArtWeaselbee. “Long time Muggle fan, first time investigator. I heard your father is a," Blah blah blah blah... “You always complain that she doesn't know how you feel and that soon you will ‘show her how you really feel, show her the you really care.' Who is ‘her’ and does she even know that you’re” ...

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"My Time Turner"

QUIDDITCH DAY

SEE YOU THERE

SCARVES AND FLAGS

TUMBLING

WANNA SAY

“LOVE YOUR EYES”

THERE I GO

MUMBLING

WITH MY TIME TURNER I'LL REWIND THE DAY

WITH MY TIME TURNER I WILL FIND THE TIME TO FIND THE

WAY TO

TELL YOU HOW

HOW YOU MAKE

MAKE ME FEEL

WHAT’S THE TERM?

LIKE A SQUIB

KINDA SICK

HUFFLEPPUFF

MUGGLEBORN

WITH MY TIME TURNER I WILL STOP THE PAIN

IT’S NOT A DEATH CURSE OR AN FREEZE SPELL THAT’S ALL WEASELBEE

I JUST THINK YOU NEED TIME TO SEE

THAT YOU'RE THE GIRL THAT MAKES IT REAL

THE FEELINGS YOU DON'T KNOW I FEEL

I’LL BEND THE SCHOOL TO YOUR WILL

AND WE’LL MAKE TIME MOVE BA-A-ACK WO-O-ORDS

THAT’S THE PLAN

RULE THE SCHOOL

YOU AND ME

WITHOUT JAMES

Love your eyes

LILLY

What?

SNAPE

No... I... I... I love the skies...

ANYWAY

WITH MY TIME TURNER I'LL REWIND -

 

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(Slytherin Common Room)

GOYLE

Hey Snape.

SNAPE

Goyle! My evil, Slytherin buddy. What’s going on?

GOYLE

Life of crime. Brought your mail.

SNAPE

Hey, didn’t you ahh. Didn’t you go on a date last

night with Bellatrix? Lucius Malfoy told me you were doubling with

him and Narcissa.

GOYLE

Yeah, uhhh...

SNAPE

Yeah?

GOYLE

It was all right. I kinda thought I was supposed to

end up with Bellatrix, but...

SNAPE

I hear ya. I saw Lily today.

GOYLE

You tell to her?

SNAPE

Not yet. I’m just a few weeks away from actually saying how I feel. I think I'm gonna ask... Oh my God!

GOYLE

Is that from the Club?

SNAPE

It’s from him! That’s his seal isn’t it?!?

GOYLE

The Professor? The... Oh my God!

SNAPE

I got a letter from Professor Slughorn!

GOYLE

That’s so hard core. Slughorn is legend. He rules

the Slug Club, only the most prestigious club in Hogwarts. Are you sure you wanna...?

"Slug Club Letter"

SLUG CLUB CHORUS

SLUG CLUB

SLUG CLUB

SLUG CLUB

SLUG CLUB

THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS WIZARDS

AND WITCHES IN ONE ROOM

THEY GOT THE APPLICATION THAT YOU SENT IN

IT NEEDS EVALUATION, SO LET THE TESTS BEGIN

A GREAT POTION, A SHOW OF FORCE,

(A MURDER WOULD BE NICE OF COURSE)

SLUG CLUB

SLUG CLUB

SLUG CLUB

YOU'LL NEED A TICKET STUB

THE LEADER OF THE SLUG CLUB

IS WATCHING YOU, BEWARE

THE GRADE THAT YOU RECEIVE WILL BE YOUR LAST

WE SWEAR

SO MAKE THE SLUG CLUB GLEEFUL

OR WE'LL BURN OFF YOUR HAIR

YOU’RE ALL SIGNED UP

THERE’S NO TIME TO MOURN

IT’S TIME TO GET A MOVE ON

SIGNED: PROFESSOR SLUGHORN

GOYLE

It’s not a no...

SNAPE

Are you stupid? This is wonderful! I’m about to pull a

major heist. You know the Marauder's Map that I need

to steal from James? He and his friends are using it tonight after dinner.

GOYLE

To sneak out of Hogwarts?

SNAPE

I don't know. All I need to do is follow them and steal it.

GOYLE

I hear they sneak into the Forbidden Forest, Avery told me.

SNAPE

Uhm thanks. Anyways... I gotta steal it.

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(Great Hall)

"Helping Charm"

LILY

WILL YOU CAST A HELPING CHARM

TO SAVE THE FORBIDDEN FOREST?

ONLY HAVE TO CAST THE CHARM

DON’T EVEN HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT'S FOR

WOULD YOU HELP?

NO? HOW BOUT YOU?

WILL YOU CAST A HELPING CHARM?

SNAPE

ARGHHH!

LILY

Oh. Oh.

SNAPE

Argh. Ah. Hah. What?

LILY

I was wondering if I could just... Oh hey, Severus!

SNAPE

Hey Lily, how was your summer? You weren't at Spinners End, or were you, I don't know... Hi.

LILY

No, no my family went to France to visit Beauxbatons Academy. They were thinking about trying to transfer me to an all girls school. Petunia started telling my parents that I have secret lovers at Hogwarts.

SNAPE

She's just jealous, she always has been. And she should be, you are way better than she is.

LILY

(Blushes and smiles) Don't be mean... What did you do?

SNAPE

Nothing much. My parents got a divorce, who would've seen that coming huh... So what are you doing?

LILY

Actually I’m Head Girl and I'm trying to get Witches and Wizards to cast a helping charm to save the animals in the Forbidden Forest. Can you spare a minute?

SNAPE

Umm... Ok, go.

LILLY

Ok, so there's a werewolf rampaging around in the Forbidden Forest eating all the animals. Hagrid...

SNAPE

Hagrid? *pfft*

LILY

Yeah.

SNAPE

Sorry, go on.

LILY

I was saying um, he would help get the professors on board to come cast with us to try and find the werewolf and get it out of the forest if we can get enough students to come and cast the charm. You're not really interested in saving the forest animals are you?

SNAPE

No, I am. But they’re a symptom. You’re treating a

symptom and the disease rages on, consumes the entire school. A grindelow rots from the head as they say. So my

thinking is why not cut off the head?

LILY

Of Hogwarts?

SNAPE

It’s not a perfect metaphor... but I’m talking about an

overhaul of the system. Putting the power in...

different... hands.

LILY

I’m all for that... This petition is about the

forest...

SNAPE

I’d love to come cast the spell.

LILY

Thank you.

SNAPE

Sorry I... I come on strong.

LILY

But you agreed to help.

SNAPE

Wouldn’t want to turn my back on you... I mean on a fellow magical person

LILY

Well if WE can’t stick together I don’t... I’ll

probably see you there.

SNAPE

Yeah, you will. I’ll...

She asked me to help her. Why did she ask me to help NOW? Maybe I

should...

(Seeing James and posse walk to the Gryffindor table and immediately surrounded by girls)

 

"A Wizard’s Gotta Do"

 

A WIZARD’S GOTTA DO WHAT A WIZARD’S GOTTA DO

DON’T CAST THE SPELL IF YOU CAN’T FOLLOW THROUGH

ALL YOU NEED IS TO BE SEEN WAIVING YOUR OWN WAND

SOON I’LL CONTROL EVERYTHING

MY WISH IS YOUR COMMAND (casts a spell and a snake appears on the Gryffindor table)

 

JAMES 

STAND BACK EVERYONE

NOTHIN’ HERE TO SEE

JUST AN EXTREMELY DEADLY

AND THE HERO WILL BE ME (BLACK casts a "Breeze Spell" on James)

YES JAMES POTTER'S HERE 

HAIR BLOWING IN THE BREEZE (winks at Black)

THE SCHOOL NEEDS MY SPELL CASTING EXPERTISE(Hits the snake with a spell and it goes flying in the air and lands near Lily)

A WIZARD’S GOTTA DO WHAT A WIZARD’S GOTTA DO (snake goes after Lily and James casts a spell but it does nothing. Snape casts a spell that hit's the snake and it vanishes in smoke. James throws Lily over the table and jumps on the table kicking food into Snape's face, then walks over to a random girl and hands her a cupcake) 

SEEMS DESTINY ENDS WITH ME SAVING YOU

THE ONLY SPELL THAT’S IN THE AIR IS YOU LOVING ME TILL DEATH

SO I’LL GIVE YOU A SECOND TO CATCH YOUR BREATH

SNAPE

(wiping the food off his face) You Git!

JAMES

Snivellous. I should have known you were the idiot behind this.

SNAPE

You could've hurt her.

JAMES

I'm not the one who created the snake.

SNAPE

*urgh*

BLACK

Its over for you Snivellous. Get ready to feel the wrath of Black. (Grabs Snape and puts him in a headlock)

LILY

THANK YOU JAMES POTTER, I DON’T THINK I CAN MAKE

A PERFECT THANK YOU FOR STOPPING THAT BIG SNAKE

I WOULD BE BITTEN; I’D BE POISONED I WOULD DIE

THANK YOU JAMES FOR BEING A NICE GUY

JAMES

Don’t worry about it.

A WIZARD’S GOTTA DO WHAT A WIZARD'S GOTTA DO.

LILY

(YOU CAME FROM NO WHERE.)

SNAPE

(ARE YOU KIDDING?)

BLACK, LUPIN AND PETTIGREW

SEEMS DESTINY ENDS WITH HIM SAVING YOU

SNAPE

(WHAT SPELL WERE YOU WATCHING?)

LILY

(I WONDER WHAT YOU’RE CAPABLE OF)

SNAPE

(STOP LOOKING AT HER LIKE THAT)

JAMES

WHEN YOU’RE THE BEST BETTER THAN THE REST, WHY TRY TO FIT IN?

SNAPE

(DID YOU NOTICE THAT HE THREW THE SNAKE AT YOU FIRST?)

LILY

(MY HEART IS SOARING LIKE A BROOM)

BLACK

THERE’S ASS NEEDS KICKING. SOME SLYTHERIN IS GETTING IN THE WAY.

LILY

(MUST... MUST BE IN SHOCK)

SNAPE

(I KILLED THE SNAKE. HIS WAND WASN'T EVEN IN HIS HAND)

JAMES

THE ONLY SPELL THAT'S CAST IS THAT YOU'LL BE LOVING ME TILL DEATH

LILY

(ASSUMING I’M NOT LOVING YOU TILL DEATH)

SNAPE

(WHATEVER)

JAMES & LILY

SO PLEASE GIVE ME A SEC TO CATCH MY BREATH

SNAPE

Unicorn Turds.