Demons armed with handguns guard the border;
That painted line which divides hope from hell
The bear-grass watches as day grows shorter
If feet are fast enough, my pulse will tell.
Chain link fence keeps me from the happiness
Of a world of freedom and hope and cash
With ten ounces, I’ll start life of richness
As long as bullets avoid this new path.
May God protect me in the jump I take
From a life of calloused hands and cents
To one of Hollywood and Finger Lakes
To fruit orchards, out from social torment.
I look twice, hold my breath; the way is clear
Over the line and happiness is near
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think this is on the border of being a really good poem. More towards the "not" side, but I don't think it would be hard for you to jump that border, haha. Pun not intended.
Also, what is "bear-grass"? I haven't a clue. I put a semicolon at the end of L3 because I'm actually confused about that. Should day be plural? And the last line loses its logic quickly, and so I'm lost, trying to figure out what you are saying.First of all, your punctuation falls flat on its face and makes the whole thing hard to understand. I'll use the first stanza as an example. The rest you can put together yourself.
As I said, this could easily become a really good poem. I just think it's a little hard to read as it is, and you could pull it together tighter. You have a good, solid draft--honestly. Try bringing in more poetic devices, adding more emotions that the reader can relate to. Anything that can enhance the experience for the reader. Poetry is all for the reader. You want them to feel, to see, to experience, to relate to, and learn. Try to be concise in what you have to say, and exact. Don't muddle your thoughts.
I hope this helped! And made sense... if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.