I wish I could have it just once more
that corpulant ghost who taunts me behind bars
dancing in greener grass and in incandescant department stores
on the other side of the tracks.
Flags and pledges
mean nothing: sheltering the Potter's field
where white lillies are fed
by blood drawn out through my fingers.
Stuck like a pig with an army of disposable syringes I'm hemorraging for the greater good, you know.
On treadmills making Adidas
and manufacturing iPods.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i really like this poem it is very intersting and there is a good choice of words
this poem has its own voice
so it stands out
Conor
I really liked this poem. I think you did an excellent job with the topic and the flow of the poem was incredibly easy for me. It had its own voice, which is something I think every poem needs.
The one thing I would say to change is the third to last line. I think its a bit too long. You can easily start a new like at "I'm hemorraging for the greater good, you know." I think the line would also have a better effect if you did that.
I also have some spelling corrections for you.
- corpulant should be corpulent
- incandescant should be incandescent
- lillies should be lilies
- hemorraging should be hemorrhaging
Besides that, I think this poem was great. Nice work.