OMG I just felt like I had to type this in. It's in my blog as well, and it would be going into my diary, so enjoy.
These are real events that happened in a business
Ten minutes ago, A girl came into the business class to collect her stuff. then she was at the door and she clocked someting. she was looking over the floor and stuff.
I was wondering what happened when she said "Who touched my glasses?"
I though her glasses were broken or something and then she said that one of her lens was gone. I was thinking "Who would take a lens?"
She went back to the area where her glasses were placed, and she said "Tell me who touched my glasses or someone's face is gonna get broken".
She asked people did they see anyone come around her area. "No". Then she got out to look outside. She came back in and I said "Did you find it?" "No." "Shall I help you?" "YES".
So I went to look around and I saw some cellophane on the floor. I thought it was a lens, but I picked it up and saw it was just plastic. I looked around some more but the teacher came in and said "Go back to your computer".
Then I saw the girl was still looking and then I was going to help but she said
"I appreciate you helping but go back to your seat or Mr. Walsh is going to come back."
I was laughing, I don't know why, cos losing a glasses lens isn't that funny. When I went back to my seat, I was still laughing uncontrollably.
The girl said "Yeah somehow this is a bit funny" and she laughed a little bit. I still couldn't stop. I could feel my ears turning red. Why should I be laughing? I own glasses.
To this day she never found her glasses...
Hold on! It just happened 10 minutes ago so she might still have a chance of finding it.
Two boys entered the room.
"Did you go anywhere near my area?" she asked to one of them
"Why?"
"Just answer!"
"It's a yes/no question," said someone else.
"Yeah I did"
"Did you lean against my bag?"
"No."
"OK, that's fine. My lens just mysteriously disappeared."
I was laughing so hard, I had to cover my face with my gloves. It was hysterical man.
She left and came back a few minutes later.
"If you see a lens, you know who owns it." she says to me.
I nod yes.
"Ok"
One more final laugh
Oh no. She thinks I've gone mad.
Little did she know that this story is going into YWS.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey Blift, I'm new here on YWS so this review may seem a bit harsh or odd. Haha. Anyway, it's a review none-the-less.
Overall I think the story is a little bit random. The tense keeps changing without warning and it's hard to keep up with it. now obviously this happened in a class of yours, as you have already mentioned.
There are many grammatical mistakes, but I'll only point out a few as I am sure you were in a rush:
though should be thought and lens should be lenses.
did they see should be 'if they saw/if they had seen'
The ending is nice, it's ambiguous, did you ever find the lens? I wouldn't want to know and it's good how you have left the reader to imagine.
The character's could be more developed, what they look like etc.
Hope this helps and keep up the good work!
Hi.
Okay this seems rushed. But i understand that this was a spur of the moment story about what happened at this "business class."
Also, there's quite a few capital letter's that you are leaving out. But don't worry about that too much.
I think re-write this, and think back to those past events. That way it may clearer to the reader.
~ T.K