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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
BLIFFFT! I like reviewing stuff like this, so let me hit you up with one! Let me give you my impressions:
I think one of the qualities of the piece is its cool rhyme around. However, the scheme may be a bit of a problem to the understandability of the piece. I think the tone and mood hopped about here and there. Also, I can't take one concrete concept from the piece. Maybe it's because you alternated much on the narration. For example, on one stanza, you were talking about something rapping then you go to layers then you hop to entrances. I dunno if the focus is you, or something else; I dunno what is 'it'.
What I like though, is the use of words like 'entropy'. These kind of words rock the piece up. Although, there are some which don't work much, like lachrymose. Lachrymose is not very effective because I can't imagine any sound from teardrops.
Technical Stuffs:
Too many capitals.
Should be 'a design'
Small d on disappear.
LAST NOTE: Try to add some punctuation. It's harder to understand if there aren't.
You can do it! I believe in ya! Good luck
Your pal,
Al
Hi there!
The other thing you might consider is to use more description over all, not just feelings. How do things smell, taste, sound, look? Adding those senses to a poem can give it so much strength, but being that I couldn't really understand it, I can't really give an example of how to apply that. Best of luck!
I had trouble really understanding what this poem was about. My first suggestion would be to add punctuation. Punctuation is extremely helpful in reading poetry since it tells you where to breathe, where to pause, and where a thought ends and a new thought begins.
My other suggestion would be to make the ideas more concrete. Like I said, I'm having a lot of trouble understanding the problem. I think part of the issue might be that it's in first person, and you're probably writing about something very personal. So, you might know exactly what you're writing about, but I don't. Keep in mind if you're writing a poem for others to read, they need to be able to know what you're writing about, why the character is depressed, etc.
That's the best suggestion I can think of at this time