Well, here's my Poem/song:
I hear it every minute
I run to the nearest door
It is infinite
Directs me to the moor
The sounds of lachrymose
A blinding wall above the ground
Let me through
It is what I have found
To bleed my whole life away
It's self-inflicted
Just to Stop Myself
From being addicted
The entropy of it
is being unused
Unavailable, like the decadence
of being in muse
The fine edge
slowly sinking in
But quickly rapping
against the layer
And indefinably
The fluid exits
And leaves adesign
Just a little memory
And still there voices won't stop
They won't attend t what's real
What's Right, just what's not proper
But still repeats the gory answer
Even though I am still at the moor
The door Disappears
But the entrance remains
If only those vibrations
only inside me
will only move no more
The entrance be taken
but the way out
is there
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I'd have to agree with the fellow members who replied above me. Sorry, there's not more that I could add on to.
gotta agree the spelling, grammar, structure all fall short here. I've heard this piece 100 times before and it gets worse each time you read it. there's no real depth to the imagery (what little there is) and alot of emotion falls flat.
I do have to say that you employ emotion fairly well and you can feel the pain behind the words, I just feel that there needs to be a more polished piece behind the words to back it up. if you can manage that, go through with a big edit, find a more unique way of striking the emotion, and the piece will only be stronger for it.
keep up the writing. you can only get better
Brutal honesty ahead. Brace yourself, or don't read.
There were a lot of spelling mistakes in this, and you really need more punctuation. Poetry and songs are punctuated the same as prose, generally. In addition, punctuation helps make your writing understandable. Right now, without the punctuation and with all the spelling mistakes, this is really difficult to understand.
Another thing you need to pay attention to is the rhyme pattern. In some places, it seems like you have one, but in others, it's gone, and it really messes up the flow of this. The constantly shifting line lengths only add to this messed up flow. Your imagery is also on the sparse-to-nonexistent side, and what imagery/description you do have is cliche and uninteresting.
Overall, this strikes me as standard, teen "Look at me! I'm deep!" fare. There's nothing poetic or lyrical about it on account of the messed up flow and lack of unique description, and it's quite incoherent thanks to a lack of punctuation.
Hello,
Humph...well, I spotted some spelling mistakes which is sometimes a turn off. My suggestion would be to read over the poem again. The second problem I have is with the structure of the whole thing. I do not know if it is the double space, but its just a little problem so; well, I just think sometimes double space just makes reading hard and throws the whole enjoyment aspect (for me) off. There are also no stanzas, no organisation and so your ideas are just thrown into one place and this is confusing.
Now, on to the actual writing. There is some potential here, do not get me wrong. I feel the writing style is good. But I am going to sound kind of harsh when I say, there is no wow factor in the lyrics, now spunk! It's supposed to be a song, but I don't feel it, I don't feel you, in the lyrics you know.
My strong advice is that you try to revise the structure of the whole piece and then it will be better to take in and digest. Keep writing