E - Everyone

The Story of Billi Wack - Chapter 1

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Sarah glanced out the moving bus window. Shades of green passed by, creating a sickening feeling in her stomach. Why did I agree on this road trip again? She thought, turning away for a moment and watched her husband drive. Perhaps it was his annual road trip to that place in the desert. Or something. He seemed focused, trying to maneuver the famous “map looking and driving” technique. Sarah had insisted on helping but he refused, saying “a man knows his way while a woman doesn’t.” It struck a chord with her but decided not to discuss the matter.

It was five hours since they left their home in Santa Paula, traveling six miles west to a certain pinpoint- Aliso Canyon. Sarah wasn’t too pleased of the idea as they would be traveling during the hottest time of the year in California. Her husband Johnny, was persistent. He had rambled his idea to Sarah when they first meet, explaining in exaggerated measures. He was different from the rest- more of a dorky, closed person. He didn’t have many friends and rarely spoke. What was the monster called? Goatman or something. I must’ve dozed off. Sarah turned back to the window, resting her chin in palm. What have I gotten myself into? Wanting the thrill of things wasn’t on Sarah’s bucket list or anything dealing with new things of the sort. She rather stay home and read adventures novels like The Hobbit or Robinson Crusoe. It was almost like real-life but without the money or hassle of packing. Your imagination takes you on adventures you never knew of. What laziness can do to you on a Sunday morning.

“How much longer?” Sarah asked. Wrapped in a blanket cocoon, she stared at her husband. Johnny smiled, turning the map with one hand and holding onto the wheel with the other.

“Believe me when I say we are.”

“That’s what you said the last time I asked you,” Sarah stated. She unwrapped herself from her cocoon and placed both feet on the car floor. Endless mountains, dotted with green trees and covered in dried grass. Weeds and wild plants grew on the side of the road. This must be Aliso Canyon. The place Johnny was talking about.

“I thought we were going to a desert.” Sarah dullily stated, shifting into her seat.

“We are. It’s not exactly a desert, but more of a road, I guess you can call it.” Sarah turned her head slowly.

“We are going to see a road. We’ve drove over three hours, Johnny. I am not wanting to waste my summ-”

“And we’re here!” They stopped in front of a dusty road leading into some trees. There was a wood fence that ran up the side of the road, while a dead pasture was on the other side. In the northwest, were jagged brown mountains and overhead a clear, blue sky with spotted clouds.

“Where’s here?”

Johnny raised an eyebrow. “My parent’s place? We are going to be staying here for the whole summer?”

“Why couldn’t we stay at a hotel or something?” Sarah whined as Johnny put the Jeep into drive. As they drove up the dusty, rocky road, the Jeep bumped and rattled.

“Because, don’t you remember. You were saying ‘I don’t want to spend a lot of money this summer.’ So I suggested my parents and you said yes.”

Sarah groaned, turning to face the window. Outside was more shady with tall trees overhead. It looked mysterious- kinda like a desert rainforest. I don’t remember saying yes to staying at his parent’s house. Maybe I was drunk when he told me. Or I passed out because it sounded boring. I bet there’ll be nothing fun to do here. Sip wine and talk about life. That’s all we’ll do here.

It was silent for a while, only the sounds of the engine and the wheels against the gravel. Johnny had put the map away, as if he knew where he was going. Soon, after going down a medium hill, they came across a road leading into the thick forest.

“Is this the right way, Johnny?” Sarah asked, slumping down in the chair.

“Looks like Aunt Delta forgot her promise,” Johnny muttered. There was a quick turn that lead straight to their destination. It was a small, wood cabin that were nestled behind a wood fence. A stone chimney on the west side of the home, covered in moss and twirling ivy. There was a small garden with varieties of flowers and herbs. Lanky birch and oak trees were above it all. Every once in awhile you could hear a bird, whistling an evening song.

Johnny stopped the Jeep beside a tree that was in a circular planter, budding with pink blossoms.

Sarah got out of the Jeep, stretching her sleepy legs and felt a yawn suppress in her throat. Instead it was a burp, and let it out. It echoed until fading, the sounds of the birds soon resumed. She took a deep breath of the fresh air as Johnny struggled to get out. I could just pull back and park somewhere else, he thought. He looked around for a possible parking spot. Shady places and a shed on the east side of the driveway. Johnny pulled back and parked by the grey, metal shed.

Sarah met up with him, itching her arms.

“Why are there so many insects here?” Johnny shrugged, walking towards the back of the Jeep. He clicked the handle by the big wheel and the door opened. Brown and pink suitcases fell over while a big black roller was lying on its side. Johnny took the brown and pink suitcases while Sarah took the big, black roller. As soon as they reached the steps, a familiar face was peering through the mesh window of the door. A curved, wrinkly smile and shallow blue eyes. Painted pink nails and a grey ponytail. A green blouse and brown sandals.

“Johnny, is that you?” The voice called out, pushing open the door. It clattered with a close as Johnny smiled.

“Hello, Aunt Delta. How’ve you been?” 

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Que
Review
Que wrote a review · Sun Jan 31, 2016 6:09 am

Hey Blas~ Happy Review Day!

Alright- to jump right in here, I feel like this is rather different from the other Billi Whack things you've written. I definitely still like it, though, especially how you slowly bring the reader in by having Sarah recall the reason for this trip.

Perhaps it was his annual road trip to that place in the desert. Or something. He seemed focused, trying to maneuver the famous “map looking and driving” technique.

If Sarah is married to Johnny, shouldn't she know if this road trip is annual? Maybe you could say something more like, "He didn't have an annual road trip or anything, yet there they were, driving in the middle of the desert." Also, I think you would want to master the technique, not maneuver. You could master a maneuver as well, if you wanted to include it in that way.

She rather stay home and read adventures novels like The Hobbit or Robinson Crusoe.

You might want to use "she'd" here. :)

“How much longer?” Sarah asked. Wrapped in a blanket cocoon, she stared at her husband.

I'm rather curious as to why she's cocooned in a blanket if it's the hottest part of the summer in California, as she was just complaining. Unless the air conditioning is really cold, I don't think it makes much sense.

“Believe me when I say we are.”

Did you mean to say "there/here" or "almost there/here"? I feel like it doesn't make much sense when left just as it is.

Sarah dullily stated, shifting into her seat.

I'm pretty sure that dullily isn't a word, maybe you just want dully.

Johnny raised an eyebrow. “My parent’s place? We are going to be staying here for the whole summer?”

If anyone should know, it would be Johnny, right? So why is he the one questioning it? Maybe those should just be statements.

I really enjoyed this overall! It's always a pleasure to review your works. :)

-Falco

User avatar
Steggy
Review
Steggy wrote a review · Sun Jan 31, 2016 4:02 am

Hi!

I am so glad you decided to bring this back with a new chapter. It seems a lot different from your first chapter of the first book, since it seems you've just decided to keep this chapter surrounded by one of the characters itself. There seems to be some nice change of events since in the previous novel, Sarah is the one that Billi finds. In the rewrite edition, however, it seems Sarah is married to Johnny (I thought the husband's name was Kevin?) Anyway. I liked the beginning of this chapter. I can tell, already from reading this chapter, that more or less Sarah's going to be the grumpy person.
Also, I don't know about Johnny. Between the two, as I said before in one of the previous chapters I reviewed, is that they seemed to have a common relationship. The man is driving the car while the woman pleads to help, only to have the man say no and continue driving. He might get lost but who knows.

What was the promise that Aunt Delta broke? That's the question that's lingering in my mind after reading this. I think you'll be able to add onto that in later chapter since I'm guessing you'll be writing more to this.
In some parts of this chapter and as the reviewer said below me, there is some really good description.

She took a deep breath of the fresh air as Johnny struggled to get out. I could just pull back and park somewhere else, he thought. He looked around for a possible parking spot. Shady places and a shed on the east side of the driveway. Johnny pulled back and parked by the grey, metal shed.


I don't think we need to know he was struggling to get out. More or less, what he was thinking.

Overall, this was nice reboot from your earlier chapters. I love the interaction between Sarag and Johnny- I hope to see some more of that in later chapters. Also, when does Billi appear? I mean this is a novel about Billi. I'm so excited to see where this will go.

If you have any questions, do tell me!

Steggy

User avatar
neoanderson135 Comment

I really like this story and it captured my attention fast. I would like on change though, a background of the past. I also like the way you put some things, it's really emotionally descriptive. I think you should continue with writing this book and maybe put it out so the world can read it.



I didn't want to slow time, I just wanted to make a little rock.
— MomoMajesty's brother