Years ago we judged each other by skin and race, and we continue to do so today. It didn't matter who you were on the inside, no matter how big of a heart you held, no matter how much you helped others, no matter how kind you were.
If you are black, you're black. White, you're white. Asian, you're Asian. Jewish, then you're Jewish. Your color and race defined your fate, from slavery to torture and death, nothing made sense. You couldn't change who you were.
But consider this.
Think about that old Mickey Mouse, on his boat, stompin' away with his foot. In black and white color. Black and white. Perfectly combined to create something entertaining, joyous, fun, great. Black and white, opposites, but somehow mixed as one, flawless? Doesn't sound correct to some, but it is.
Now take either the color black or white away from that old cartoon. What do you get?
Absolutely nothing.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
And to Isha, thanks for the criticism! I know it sounds odd for me to be thankful for it, but I become better at things when I get criticized. Yeah, like the others said, I need to work on making things smoother. Also, I guess your right when you say I could make it a bit longer, but I couldn't think of much more to say. Once again, thanks for the review!
Thanks for the review, Mist! Yeah, I will work on making my writing smoother. Thanks!
Hey Blankmind,
I read this and I really liked it so I thought that I'd take a moment to comment on it. Like shiney1 said, some aspects of it make it seem a little more like a blog post than a piece of fiction, but that doesn't make it bad in any way! It's short and sweet - and really meaningful. I agree that all colours are beautiful, and that all races should be treated equally. This was a really quirky and original way of conveying that idea.
I think these last two lines were the ones which really caught my attention - you're completely right, but I never thought about it that way before!
The only thing I can find wrong with this is that like Isha already said, the first line doesn't flow too well.
Maybe you could just tweak it a little so that it read more smoothly? For instance: Many years ago we judged each other by skin and race; the sad thing is that it still happens - even today. Something along those lines!
But otherwise, this isn't bad at all.
Keep writing (and welcome again to YWS),
~MorningMist~
Hi, Blank! Isha here to review as requested!
I'm going to get right into things and say that I really do, for the most part, agree with the others. The piece was short and simple, to the point, well thought-out and brought and interesting light to the subject. I've seem a lot of things used in this way- to show us that black, white, Asian, native-American, Jewish... we all co-exist for a reason, and that if you took even one of us away, things wouldn't work right.
This is probably the beat example I've ever seen of that, I'll be honest. If you were even to take away one of the gray shades from the picture, the entire cartoon would look strange and dull and it just wouldn't work. Props to you for having this idea.
However, I didn't agree that the shortness of the piece worked very well. Even just a few extra sentences would really help in some aspects- and I'm thinking about the very end more than anything. The last three paragraph/lines just seemed... a little choppy, I suppose. They didn't read as smoothly as the rest of the piece, and it seemed to me like you were just trying to get the the point so that you could either hurry up and finish it, or force it to be as short as you wanted. Yes, by all means, please keep it short, but the end just sounds so forced to me. Expand on that with just a few sentences, if you can and if you think you agree or can see what I'm talking about.
Another place that this read a little bumping for me was the very beginning. I understand what you were trying to get across, but the very first sentence:
Just those very first words... they were clunky and hard to get past, and they just didn't flow very well for me. If there's any way you can think of to revise it, and if you feel that it's in your best interest, it may not be a bad idea.
But, other than that, I really did love this piece. It was provoking and beautiful, and mostly true. ("today from time to time" seemed a little false- since I've seen so much racism in my town and my country- which is Canada, and we ate tolerant, but the people get a little ridiculous. "Time to time" just didn't seem that accurate- but that's not a bit deal).
If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to PM me!
Keep writing,
~~Ish.
Thanks so much! It feels good to know that my first piece of writing I shared is liked! Yeah, I like the Mickey Mouse cartoon as well, I like vintage stuff, I guess. He helps bring out the message here.
This is really good!
shiney1 pretty much got the key points- the things you've done well- so I just want to add that you have done a really good job in making this something that you read and then ponder afterwards. The reader totally gets the message, and I love the way the Mickey Mouse cartoon is included, and what is represents!
Thanks so much! I just had a sudden idea for this, and I was gonna use it as a blog entry at first, but realized I'd rather add it as a piece of writing. And yeah, I need to work on my work fitting and flowing together better, this was a bit choppy. At least you liked it, lol. Once again, thanks!
This is so simple, yet so meaningful.
I love many things about this, but I will name a few:
- Short-basic words that re easy to understand
- No extra fluff; it is straight to the point
- It is insightful and holds a lesson
- It is SHORT.
Of course, these aspects make it sound more like a blog entry than a literary work, but the message is so clear and nice that some may overlook it. You might want to work on flow and structure a bit.
But overall, very interesting.