It was dark and gloomy inside the wood and metal crate. The hemp dress I wore was damp and tattered . I couldn't see anything, and yet, I felt like I knew the outside of the box extremely well. I had gone over the plan with Tie Tee so many times that I didn't think that I would ever forget it. The plan was to wait until unboxing began in India because the door locked from outside. Then, Tie Tee would cause a distraction,and the men would go and see what it was. Then,a I would quickly unlatch the hinge, slip out of the crate, and head outside. When the men returned from the distraction, Tie Tee and I were to make a new life in India with the stash of money we had brought. That would be harder than we thought.
There was a loud crash that startled me awake. Then another, and ANOTHER! I sat inside the crate and stayed as still as possible. After a few minutes, my bottom felt a little wet. I moved off of the spot that I was sitting on, and saw that there was water. I fumbled with the latch and lifted the lid. The room was filled with water! I scrambled for the sack of coins that I had with me and got out of the box. The water was shallow enough to stand in, but it was still leaking into the boxes which held porcelain, and other goods which were now ruined. I walked over to the door and tried to open it. It didn't budge. I looked around the cargo room, and saw a sack that was full of metal bars that was meant to be traded for lapis lazuli. I grabbed one of the thickest bars, and used it to pry the door open. Instantly a rush of water hit me like a rock, and threw me back. When I crossed the second cargo room, I used the bar of steel to pry open the door that led into the outside world. When I opened the door, a bright light hit my eyes, instantly blinding me. When my eyes adjusted, I looked out on the landscape. It was luscious green, with lots of trees and plants. In the distance a little whisk of smoke rose from over a hill.
I took it upon myself to investigate. After a 30 minute walk, I saw a small village with what looked like hundreds of inhabitants. I made my way down the hill to the village. When the natives saw me, they called out something I couldn’t understand. A small army of soldiers rushed at me with swords and spears. I threw my hands up yelling that I didn’t have a weapon, and begging them not to kill me. A single tear ran down my cheek, which apparently meant to them that I was surrendering since they stopped attacking and stared at me. They lifted me up, and half dragged me, half led me to a holding cell. The small village must have been recently built because the holding cell was bamboo. I was quickly able to break a couple of pieces of bamboo off and slip out. I walked up to one of the officials and tapped him on the shoulder. He jumped and seemed very startled. He yelled something out, and a huge army this time ran after me. They surrounded me in seconds, with swords and shields. What looked like the leader, walked up to me, and looked me directly in the eye. Then, something surprising happened. He spoke my language, and asked where I had come from. I told him that I came as a stowaway on a trading ship that was part of three ships bound for India. He welcomed me to his land, and offered me a hot meal. I accepted, and we headed to his small house. After our meal, which I definitely wasn't used to since I usually ate rice or soup, we started to discuss my plans of getting back to China. I showed him my bag of coins, and his face lit up like a child’s when they get their red envelopes on Chinese New Year. He accepted the offer of feeding me, keeping me dry at night, and building me a ship and sending me with a small crew back to China. We got to work immediately.
I described the ship that I had come from, a giant 440 foot ship that dwarfed any ship that they had ever built. I said that I had no idea what had happened to my ship, but he suggested that we should go check it out. We took the 35 minute walk over the hill, and down the beach towards the ship. From the side, it looked like a normal ship. Nothing seemed to damaged except for the mast, and it didn’t look like the wreckage of a ship...until we got closer. We saw cracks that ran all the down the length of the sip, that were wide and menacing, and pieces of wood floating in the water. We took a small dingy out around the ship, and that's when we saw the real damage. Part of the ship was completely gone.It was like somthing had taken a giant rock and smashed it multiple times into the bottom, and some of the side of the ship. The huge mast that had held several sails with chinese calligraphy was broken in half. Then we looked down. Almost all of the bottom of the ship was gone, and what remained was barely clinging on to the rest of the bow.
I had heard stories of great sea creatures destroying ships at sea, but I never thought that they were real. After we got back to the camp, we quickly started making plans, and a route back to china.
3 Months later
The ship had finally been complete. After 3 months of restless worry, we had finally finished. We set sail one week before Chinese New Year was supposed to happen on Monday, February 8th, and we would get there one day before the nation wide event. Three days into the journey, we started hitting road blocks. We saw a hurricane way off to the left in the front of us. We had to avoid it by a long shot in order to not get affected. That took two days. After Chinese New Years past a few days later, we saw a dock, or at least the remnants of a dock. From far away, it looked like someone had painted it black, but as we got closer, we saw that it had been burned. We found a safe place to land, and started to explore. And just as we came over a hill, a man in a full suit of armor saw us. The armor he wore didn't look like anything that the song military had worn.
He charged us, and called out for back up. The burned remains of the small village that had been there still threw up smoke into the air. After they had taken the natives of the other land captive, they started asking me questions about my belief. Then, I realized what had happened. In the three and a half months that I had been gone, there had been a revolution against emperor Zhao Huan, and a new emperor had taken over. I played along with them, but after I had answered all of their questions, the leader of the medium sized army didn't believe me. He forced me to my knees, and made me look at all of the natives. Then, he yelled out something I never thought I’d hear in my life.
“Kill the intruders!”. I quickly started to panic. Five men with sharp swords and ritualistic armor, approached the group of natives. They selected five men, and dragged them to a small grassy patch, and lined them up all in a row. All at the same time, the five men raised their swords.
“Wait!” I yelled so loud that the men jumped. Most of the men looked at me like I was crazy.
“I volunteer my life, to save theirs!”. I knew, that in china sacrificing your life to save others was extremely brave and honored beyond measure.
“I will give my life if you let all of them go.”
“Fine, let the girl have what she wants” said the leader of the army. The five men threw the natives to the side, and started after me.
“No” said the leader “I will do the sacrifice”. He looked at me right in the eye, and put his arm out. He grabbed my clothing, and dragged me towards a holding cell that I knew was going to be for me. As I sit here awaiting my trial, I have written this story, and hope that my family will find it. But if they do not, then someone else will.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Some Notable Errors I Think You Might Want to Think About:
-"Then,a I would quickly unlatch the hinge, slip out of the crate, and head outside." Delete the 'a'.
-"Then another, and ANOTHER!" I don't think it's any use, emphasizing ANOTHER with capitalization. The repetition has already done that for you. Still, it's a stylistic choice, really.
-"After we got back to the camp, we quickly started making plans, and a route back to china." I've seen this a couple of times, so you might want to check if you capitalized China or not.
-"The armor he wore didn't look like anything that the song military had worn." I assume we're talking about the Song Dynasty, so capitalize the Song.
-"“I volunteer my life, to save theirs!”." Remove the period outside of the quotation marks. You already have an exclamation mark inside the period.
Actual Review:
This was surprisingly poignant, for what it was trying to do. I liked how it started out just as a story about a girl trying to get back home, before finally ending as a letter from the girl to whoever manages to get their hands on the letter. It's a nice little tragedy, and it could definitely be sharpened into such.
I think one of the complaints that I had is the strange motivation for one character in particular-- in the middle part, there was a military leader that could speak the girl's language. Now, don't get me wrong, this was very convenient and led to a better story, but why didn't the military kill the girl after she managed to escape their bamboo imprisonment? Was she not considered a threat? Or did they have second thoughts? If they did, I don't think it was shown very well.
Other than that, there's also the matter of the ending. Again, why didn't the leader kill the girl immediately after she offered herself? Did he have other things to do? Were they considering other options? This is just nitpicking, really, but I think you might want to consider these possibilities.
Regardless, this was an enjoyable piece of work, and with a little bit of polishing it could be very exceptional.
Signing out,
--EM.
I think you did a good job overall with the story. One thing I would change though is that there are a few things that just worked out too well. For example the natives just were like yep we will not build you a boat for 3 months and sail you to China. also I'm just sad we do not know how it ends.