Published January 30, 2008
When you come,
I say,
"I want to fly away,
above you"
And you look and nod
and understand.
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141,266 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Yeah, if a poem is going to be short, it needs to be really hard-hitting to leave an impression. I think what Chevy and Matt says is right, this could be very good (not that it's not good) if it was expanded and built on a bit. Maybe dabble in a bit of imagery etc..
It is a good start, but I need to know more - as it stands, this poem gives me nothing to relate to. Who are you talking to, why do you want to fly away, and how does the person understand? I don't understand, because you haven't given me enough information here. Build on this.
I have to say, I really like the title but I feel like it is too short. While historically a short poem has accomplished a lot (William Carlos Williams), this feels like a small fragment of a story. There are definitely some missing components here. I would suggest building around this, though. It's a good start...who is the "you?" What are the doing and why? What is their relation to one another? What are they trying to achieve?