Hello Blank,
Let's see what we can do here. I do suggest, though, that before you go further you come up with a strong plot. You need something to drive your story around. I've got random pages of abandoned stories lying around the place, entirely because I had no drive and didn't know what was going to happen next. Even if your story is a character story rather than an idea or exposition story, you would do well to get an idea as to where you want to go with it.
Let's take the actual story and see what we can do with it.
Blank wrote:Wind whipping her bright bubblegum pink hair in a wild flail as her fingers tighten on the throttle.
This is extremely bold. Starting a sentence with a fragment! No, I wouldn't do it, unless I felt it absolutely necessary. I don't think it's necessary in this case. Try, "Wind whipped her bubblegum pink hair wildly as her fingers tightened around the throttle." You also want to be careful that your prose doesn't start to seem too purple. If you're creating a scene of excitement, you don't want your reader to have to think about imagery. Make the imagery simple, concise and only use it where necessary. As a first sentence this works fairly well as far as hooks go.
Head lower. Broad smile. Eyes wide open and the purr of the six hundred forty-five cc's roaring between her thighs.
Try replace those periods with semicolons. The period just seems a little too final. I don't know much about motorcycles, but I think that the imagery here might be better replaced with, "the hum of the twelve cylinders", The "cc's" is hard on the eyes. If however you feel you have to keep it this way, remove the apostrophe. Another reason to change this is that while "six hundred and forty-five" is long enough to draw your attention away from the story, "twelve" is not.
She shotgunned down the windy roads laid precariously on the frills of the monument, slamming down the curves with zealous resolve;
You're getting a little purple here. Replace "shotgunned" with "rode" or if you insist, "shot". The second part should read, "that lay precariously on the frills of the monument."
bike tilted at such acute angles her knees nearly kiss asphalt. Ahh, she thought, this is bliss.
This switch in tense is unnerving. I suggest sticking to the past tense. Unless you have a really good reason to do so. If you really feel that the present tense adds to the suspense so much, make it all in the present tense.
Like the disappointed motor queen prom date she was (Blue Dress. High Heels. Biker Leathers.)
You go on to describe her as more than merely disappointed. This is where you should put a lot more description in. She was, "livid", "upset", and "broken". I don't think the word "disappointed creates your desired effect here.
she let out a tremendous scream, a hardcore guttural growl in blackest of heavy metal.
This doesn't quite make sense as I'm reading it.
What better place to scream than here? How could he do this to me!!
You only need a single exclamation mark. The double one makes you look a little amateurish. Aside from that, this is the greatest part of your piece.
I love it!Fathers.
Love daddy but why is he such a jerk?
These fragments are fine, but they might look better as full sentences. I don't think you'd lose any of the desired effect. Also, italicize them like you've done with the rest.
Not some sixteen year old who sacrifices a good nights for some...disillusioned young man and a childs' fantasy.”
Kill the "child's fantasy" part. It doesn't seem like it would have entered the actual dialogue in real life.
Her jaw clenches tight as she realizes that this wasn't about prom at all. Her head nearly combusted and the visor of her motorcycle helmet is thick with heavy breath.
Once again, stick to a single tense.
Any other guy, she knew, would be suitable to take his little girl out. Anyone other than Shadow. Any other guy and her father would be making wedding arrangements. The difference? Shadow was twenty four.
There is too much repetition here, Try toning that down. I think that at this stage you don't need to expose the fact that shadow was 24. She's not going to care about that now. Keep that difference for a conversation with her father, or perhaps Shadow himself.
The bike slowed as she shot through the last tunnel cutting her from civilization.
This is ambiguous. Is she entering civilization or leaving it. It should also be "the final tunnel between her and civilization.
Fifteen, maybe twenty and she'd be happily in his arms, cheek pressed on chest, slowly swaying back and forth to the tune of some sappy love song. Butterflies swam in her stomach just thinking about it.
You've got this habit of omitting words that wouldn't hurt to add, and would make your story smoother. I would include the word "minutes" here.
the city was a person to her. An intimate one at that. Her romance with it allowed her, on any occasion, to navigate this route through a series of back alleys and unknown side roads to evade any police, goons, or any such thing under her fathers employ to apprehend her. She knew they lurked. The city told her they were.
This is probably personal preference but I think that the personification of the city was taken too far. It seems unbefitting of her character to personify it so intimately. Also, that second sentence is long and pretty confusing.
Shielded from city lights by the adjacent businesses and parking garages the alley posed as a cozy resting ground for the homeless and the wicked. A perfect path for a young teenage girl.
What does this mean exactly? The perfect path for a young teenage girl? I think you want to elaborate quite a lot here.
Overall
Characters: You have only introduced us properly to one character. We got a little taste of her, but I think that we would like more. We see her as a common, naive teenager. Why should we care about her. Give us reason to do so. Also create a little conflict within us about her.
Descriptions: I can't help but feel that some of the stuff that you did describe should have been left out, and that most of the stuff you didn't describe should have been described in greater detail. If you think that we would want to know about something, describe it. If not, don't. That's the general rule for description. You should also try to ensure that your descriptions fit the emotions of the point of view that you are describing from.
Tenses: Unless you feel it vital to switch tenses for some obscure reason or other, don't. It's as simple as that.
Prose: There were parts of this piece that you went almost over the top with descriptions that didn't really fit the sentence, and there were times that you omitted things that would have been extremely valuable. And then, there were times that you had a perfect balance. I would try to aim for a balance between overdone prose, and short, half empty prose. Also, I suggest doing away with most of the fragments. In the rare cases that you use them, they should be as effective as they can be.
On what comes next: I don't know if you have any idea yet where you are going to go with this, but let me suggest a couple of possibilities.
1) You could let Shadow try or succeed in assaulting, kidnapping, or murdering her. Her father would then go find her, or get revenge. You can build whatever story you like with this.
2) You could let Shadow try to eliminate the father from the equation, as he wants to be with the daughter. There could be fights between shadow and her, etc.
3) You could let the father eliminate Shadow. This would be great as it would allow for a great deterioration of the relationship between her and her father.
What I thought: You have a promising start here, and I am certain that with a bit of work you'll have a great story. 
Points: 7061
Reviews: 277
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