An Embodied Unbalance
The rhythm of my equator is off balance. A distant chord struck down by lightning off in a blue black with rays of fervid violence that sweep my chimneys now and I take it out on luck. Because I don't have it. Sleeping with agony hurts less than sleeping with no one at all; so I'll just forget the in betweens and hope that one day maybe one day I won't need either. For now I'll just hunt it with bloodthirsty lust and rage and hate and sorrow followed by a dash of self pity.
Embodied by this.
Sometimes I wish I were from another planet. Then it'd make all of the sense that I don't. That I can't. That I won't. In the words of my father, “I can't do that... I'm not that powerful.” Which is where I believe I've developed all of my feelings of inadequacies and my abrasive behavior toward me. But fuck it all, I gulp my pride and speak my mind and end up with nothing in arms reach. What more are we than a capsulized memory?
Embodied by this.
An epitaph to be written upon my resting spot should go something like this:
Look up. There are greener grasses above you.
__________________________________________________________________________
Choking
My heart pumps liquid hate and I am to remain serene like a nighttime pool. Sects at war with each other within my very body. Contempt, conscience and coffee. Muddled face enters head churning and bubbling with hot steamy sizzles until it manifests into the recognizable dumb expression of a bug eyed man. Fuck it all, I say.
Nah.
Innocents are in path and I am to abide by their rules because I care. So, instead I will keel over and accept his rage and do what I can not to provoke. Swallow my manhood for the greater good. But I want to fuck it all and full out shatter teeth, crush bone, and watch the blood drip from my clenched fist as I cackle with insane glee and continue pummeling until it pounds nothing but concrete. But its my fault in the first place and I care. I'm choking on coffee. So I will reconcile.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Edited to add a rating. Please be careful to rate your work correctly in future. Also, I think you might have better luck with these if you posted them one by one and/or in poetry format; it helps if they're not just a big block of text.
That said, I found the first piece very interesting; the ending was excellent. You have a unique style, that's for sure, and I enjoyed the smooth flow of the sentences (although, again, I think they'd work better in more traditional stanzas). The second was less well done, I think, although that's possibly because the violent imagery put me off.
I'll look forward to reading some more of your work. If you have any questions or need help with anything, feel free to PM me or one of the other mods (in green). We're always happy to help.
Cheers,
~bubbles
Hmm... I'm not sure these are poems exactly...
The format they are in makes it hard to tell... I would try putting them either a) in stanzas or b) put them in the Randomness forum.
Also, I noticed you have some strong language in there... you did not rate them! If it has language or adult situations, you need to rate them PG-13 or R. Since you are new, you are getting a break, but try to remember to rate your works!
Now! Onto the pieces themselves...
1. a very long run-on sentence and 2. confusing.
When you say 'off in a blue black with rays of fervid...' that makes absolutely no sense... I don't know if it's just me, but I would try to make that clearer please!
'Betweens' isn't a word. I would try using something a little more grammatically love able <3 ! Also, you refer to agony as if it were a person and not an idea... I like the personification, but in this, it does not make sense. If this were in stanzas, you could say something like;
Sleeping with agony,
hurts
but not more,
than sleeping with no one
at all.
See? It all goes back to the whole poem thing... these don't really look like poems to me. But! I may be wrong! You might be using an awesome form of poetry and I don't even know it... wouldn't that be hilarious!
Wow. <3 it!
*goes to look up word*... hmm nice use of the word sects!
I liked these! I'd put them in stanzas... they'd be even better!
[spoiler]5/10 ... they could have been better, but they are great, still, just the way they are![/spoiler]