Young Writers Society

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

The four of them. Sir, Hutcheon, Chen and Swanson. Sir and Hutcheon welcomed me like a friend, arms open and eyes open. They had gathered a set of four desks in the middle of the room, with Sir perched on a chair backwards on the far side, leaning in as he tipped the feet forward.

Your characters are beautiful. Each one different and unique. Realistic. And each has their own little quirks that make them come alive in my mind. I can picture Sir leaning in his chair, and instantly I think of all the things that come along with that. Fun loving. Entertaining. Etc. Etc. The list goes on about the things I learn about these characters, and yet, you never once say, "this is how they act. This is who they are." You just let the events happen, and the reader interprets.

Ears that protruded just the slightest bit too much. Face red with the curse of youthful blemish. Brown hair cut in a style that is on the verge of stylish. Just on the verge; just plain enough. That was Daniel Swanson.

You also pick amazing names, that fit so well. When I hear Daniel, I think of a tall, sort of gawky fellow. A bit naive, perhaps. Youthful. All of your characters have such great names that fit so well.

Gulped and breathed.

Breathed and gulped.

Gasp.

-

Gasp.

And once again, you have this connection of a transition from one scene to the next, playing the parts off as one and the same, even though they're only connected by time. Very clever.

The train in the distance was a freight one, but all of its trailers were empty of goods. They were shells. Sir’s eyes were intent on these shells, seeking them, searching them.

-

‘What do you fear the most?’ Sir had asked Daniel as soon as I had been comfortably seated. Daniel gently shimmied his stare from my face to Sir’s smiling one.

I love this chapter scheme you have going, where each is like an individual episode in a T.V. show. The events are different, but the general idea is the same, and as you have continued to use this, it really makes for an interesting read. It also helps the reader to understand what's going on better. We know that we're going to get some more info in the next scene, and hence, we keep reading.

[quote]‘True only for the victim.’ Sir said raising his finger. ‘The important part is what comes for those left afterwards. Now let me ask you boys an important question. If you saw death, witnessed death, involved yourself in death directly one way or another, would it change you?’[quote]

And wow! Exalted crap! Instantly I can see where this story is headed, and I'm floored by the intensity of these morals and ethics that are being, seemingly, twisted and molded throughout the story. I'm going to be honest, but I know and know of writing professors who have all the degrees, that can't write stuff like this. They just don't understand the essence of life. But you do, and this death of Sir's is amazing.

This chapter was surely my favorite of those I've read thus far. As I'm beginning to see the various thoughts and characters and concepts come together to form the story, I'm loving it more and more.

Thank you Blackwood!



#TheFaultInOurReviews

Now, contrary to the last piece, I REALLY liked this chapter. The opening is strong:

They were already there when I arrived. The four of them.

And your narrative voice is developing slightly from this tonal perspective.

In this chapter, you have this amazing ability to make words work for you, as in, they build a picture of what you're saying to the reader:

Because he had gulped.

Gulped and breathed.

Breathed and gulped.

Gasp.

-

Gasp.

His face ha

This is it. I'm not saying it's the most original idea - it's not. But the way it's done, makes it seem more special. And that's the key thing here. Whatever you're doing with your idea is original and that's ok, because the premise itself is obscure and a little hard to follow.

And everyone simply called him that because no-one could ever bother to pronounce his surname.

I am fond of the ending of this chapter as well. Don't ask me why, just something about the arrogant, nonchalance of the narration that is so nondescript you can't help but enjoy reading it.

Hai, because this work has been sitting in the Green Room and because no one else would review it. .__. I thought I would kick at out of the Green Room before it gets moldy and gets eaten by angry mobs. Anyways, you make a reviewer's life hard, Wood. Here goes nothing:

The only technical thingus I could find:

Shane an Daniel made sense

An -> and

No one more stared than one certain kid.

I'm not sure what you meant there by, no one more stared? I think you meant, no one stared more than one certain kid.

But then how would be be in B?

be -> he. (Be careful of the typos, dear.)

Content:

Nice chapter, once again I don't know why you said this chapter was bad, it was quite fascinating actually now that I've read it over thrice. Especially the part with the discussion on death, quite the insightful view I must say. Your character development skills are very nice, giving us depth into different characters meanwhile using the same narrator throughout the chapters. The constant under layer of suspense and mystery is there too, like a simmering volcano waiting to erupt, or in this case. Horror.

There isn't much to criticize here, I must admit. Though I will point out that I was somewhat confused somewhere down the line in this chapter. And that was the transition between the train carriage and the classroom, are they in the classroom or are they on the train tracks? All your transitions are so abrupt. >.< I'm pretty sure they are in the classroom but somehow they were suddenly looking at a train coming towards them...


Overall, I love where this is going, do keep posting, Blackwood.

~Laure