Young Writers Society

Let's jump right in. I haven't read the other reviews, just so you know, so I might repeat them.

To begin with the good - I think, in a way, this is a brilliant hook. It leaves questions to be answered, but it gives you just enough that you want to ask the questions, and you want to know the answers. At this point in the story, it's very light as far as horror goes (I mean, we're not talking a snuff film here or anything), but it seems to have quite a bit of story. I also very much am in love with the imagery you use.

However, your prose is very 'blocky', as a way to put it. It has a tendency of going off on tangents or describing things in one big block of text, instead of scattering information throughout the story. This can be done well - I think it works in your favor when you're describing people, and your description of Sir is very fluid - and it can be done... not so well - which is where I think it falls when you go off in the fourth paragraph, when the text becomes a little strange and the reader begins to lose focus. You have a tendency to cover everything all at once, which is very much not a bad thing, but as a technique, I personally as a reader find it a little lacking.

Also - do teenage boys really talk like this? Okay, yeah, I can get it if it's just the one exception, that kid that always talks like a flowery poet and has the words to describe it. I just hope this doesn't spread throughout, because it's not the greatest way to communicate your ideas. It kind of blunts what little horror you have in this part, which makes me concerned as the piece goes on as to how much it will blunt the actual horror when you're trying to describe it. Flowery can work, the same as blocky, but often it takes away because the reader is too ensnared in the words to say "yes, hmm, I should very well be afraid now". Right now, it's enhancing your images to an almost purple level in their intricacy, which is another factor in the "do teenagers really talk like this" kind of thing, considering most teenage guys I know wouldn't stop to spout things like "the dancing colors of his aquarium inside out". Then again, maybe I just don't know the right teenage boys.

I think that once the issue with the style is settled - once I've read more and seen if it settles - then I'd be able to give more solid advice on how to begin and improve this. Still, I think it's pretty interesting, even though my preferred style of horror is definitely drier than this. I'll keep reading.

Dang it--I can't review this. >.> It reads like a published work.

Going on for more ...

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

Okay, I'm pretty dang positive that I've read this before, which would make sense, but that was when I was AE, so, a long time ago.

And I must say, exalted crap! Okay, I'm going to turn you and your writing into a demi-god for a little bit, and then brag about myself along the way. You see, this is the sort of writing that is going to change the course of history, shake the foundations of the world. And I'm not joking. I've spent years and hundreds of hours analyzing the trends of history and such, and I really feel and believe that the time is soon coming when writing like this, writing which takes emotion, feeling, thought and wonder to a level which it never has been to before, will make all the difference. Will be the difference.

People like you, and I, and many others, are the ones who are doing this.

So now, I'll jump right into this chapter. And just to let you know, I had to read the next four before I could even bring myself to stop and come back to write the review.

We had nothing to do with one another, and he had nothing to do with any of us; and he had certainly not been the first mass of splattered guts on our hands.

His words would just melt around you, building a kingdom of fascination as he spoke about the past and about the people who sat behind the causes of all sorts of events. It made you just want to listen and listen and listen. Never study, never write. Just simply learn.

Those were his words. Us? We were perfect specimen for knowledge absorption. We were the dancing colours of his aquarium inside out. But to us, he had simply been Sir.

Fear. It’s the only thing that holds us back. Not fear for our lives, not fear for love. But simply the fear of society. The fear to act. The fear that if you do act, there is no going back.

There was only his solution. Sir’s words had been a beacon; and inspiration. Sir had painted us all red with the blood of passion.

‘I am giving you a licence to act. I will make something happen, and in exchange, you will all make something as vast as you possibly can happen.’

Six of us had watched in awe. Six of us had wept in the horror. Six of us had danced in the remains.

I had never taken Sir as suicidal.

Whoa, I'm actually here reading things that I said I would... Unheard of. It's a little depressing to see how far behind I am, but I'll catch up eventually, I suppose.

I've skimmed through the other reviews, from the content, I don't think I'll be repeating much unless it has something to do with "Oh, Blackie, that was the most professional thing I've read on this site", but if I do, I apologize.

I'm afraid this is a nitpick review, and the nitpicks are sparse.

The seniors were too stuck up on their exams

We were perfect specimen for knowledge

We were perfect specimen for knowledge absorption. We were the dancing colours of his aquarium inside out. But to us, he had simply been Sir.

So, apparently I never reviewed this, even though I thought I did.

My only problem with this chapter is your almost constant use of past perfect tense. That is, all the "I had done this, Sir had told us that." There are a couple reasons not to use it:

1. It's jarring. The standard and generally correct tense to use if using past tense is simple past tense. That is, "I did this, Sir told us that." Because simple past tense is commonly used in fiction in English, readers are used to it and won't give the tense a thought, whereas while reading this I kept getting bumped out of the story by repeated use of "had."

2. Past perfect tense has a specific use that renders it unnecessary here. While simple past tense is used to describe something that has already happened, past perfect tense is used to describe an action that happened before another action that is being described.

So, if the narrator wants us to know that the boys "wept in horror" upon Sir's death, he would say, "Six of us wept in horror." Whereas if the narrator wants us to know that the boys were still weeping in horror when, say, the paramedics arrived, he might say something like, "The six of us had not yet finished weeping in horror when the paramedics arrived."

And the thing is, while the bulk of this chapter describes actions that occur prior to Sir's death, which might make you think you want to use past perfect tense, you actually don't need it because the chapter leads up to and ends with that very event. Past perfect tense would be more appropriate if you told us right at the beginning that Sir killed himself--i.e., "He had been an intriguing man until his suicide," although even that could be simplified ("he was an intriguing man until his suicide"), and anyway it gives away a major spoiler.

Here's an example of where past perfect tense is applicable, from my novel (sorry for being vaguely narcissistic, but I needed an example and I'm too lazy to come up with a new one right now):

The Book House had been a point of interest and favorite topic of discussion amongst the locals since its completion nearly six years ago.

"You seen it yet?" the trash-collector asked one Thursday night.

"You seen it yet?" the trash-collector had asked one Thursday night.

Hey, Elinor here.
Well, this certainly was rather strange. Teachers committing suicide? Well done! Gory but God is this original.
As usual, I analysed the first sentence, and I'd say it is interesting enough.
What I really liked here was the writing style. It seemed so ... classic! I use 'classic' here for a lack of a better word. Educated, maybe. It flowed very pleasantly and consistently. It's rather different from other works here in YWS.

Heyyyy

So. I told you some of my thoughts about this when I first read it; and I stand by my original observation that is is very blunt. Especially the ending: 'I had never taken Sir as suicidal.'
I think you have a unique writing style, as I have seen from some of your previous works.

You have a segment of thought here which works really well: '‘If you smear blood on your hands. If you watch death face to face, then you know you have witnessed the only thing there is to fear. You will know that nothing else truly matters, because after death there is no more to matter.’' I like this, also because the way you've used language makes it a bit more horrific. Obviously, at this stage, you are just beginning the elements of the work, but it's working well.

Improvements: I guess there could be dialogue, make it feel more story like, but at the same time, this is part of the appeal of your writing in this case. So... I can't criticise that too heavily. Good job.

Off to read more.

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Woah. This is really quite good, and I'm not lying. It certainly gave me something to think about. I wouldn't say that I found it horrifying, but it give off a mysterious atmosphere in the ending. I like the process from start, the middle and the ending. It really made me read on, and I will.

Personally, I like your descriptions and style of writing. Bravo, it was awesome. It almost felt like I was reading a published book.

Anyway, the Main character spoke realistic enough, and I like the things Sir had said to them.

Nothing was bad. It was actually awesome. I look forward to more chapters, if there are any left.

Whoa.

Can that be my review? Just whoa.

That was so beautifully written! I've read a lot of works on here, some good some bad but not many as well written as this. I don't think I can put into words how wonderful this was to read, even the gore. Actually, I think the gory parts were the most beautiful. Are there going to be more chapters? If yes, let me know! I want to read them.
Seriously, if there were any mistakes I was to enamored to catch them.

I wish I could give you a better review but honestly, this was so well written I don't even have any nitpicks.
When the next chapters come out, let me know!

Keep on keeping on (You better)

Much love,

Star!