Young Writers Society

Hey, J.C. here for a review!

#D65F54 ">Formatting:

There are two types of formatting in writing; 1) Visual Formatting: The way you pair sentences into paragraphs, line spacing, paragraph breaks, subtitles. 2) Chapter Formatting: The way you break up a chapter into it's several parts.

This chapter lacks much in the second sense, simply because there aren't a lot of eloquent descriptions about thoughts and emotions, which is entirely understandable. This chapter isn't meant to be that "inspirational" one, but rather, a character and plot builder.

I found it interesting that this chapter does not follow suit with the first six. In all of those you follow a very strict formatting, opening with a scene at the school, or elsewhere, where the MC meets a new character, throwing in an added part to Sir's horrific death, and then finishing up with a continuation of how this "History Club" was born. But in this chapter, it's all just one fluid scene, start to finish.

While it was, perhaps, a bit disappointing to break from that cryptic styling, I feel that this chapter is no less important, and no less intriguing. You've built the characters and the story up enough, and upon reaching this point, I was ready and waiting to read something that is all about the events.

#D65F54 ">Grammar:

I usually try to shy away from grammar, but as of late I've realized that it's far more important than I thought. This is not to say that I went through your piece and found all the typos and misused words and such. I hate that. Rather, I focused on the larger aspects.

They held a memorial in the morning at school. Compulsory attendance. We didn’t attend.

We skipped the form class, we skipped the assembly...We locked the door from the inside.

We were wearing our winter uniforms even thought we were supposed to be wearing the summer ones. We couldn’t help it; those were stained with Sir’s blood.

We moved forward to the centre of the carpet in...

Really, this was the only point where I felt that the "grammar" wasn't quite eloquent. You use "we" quite a few times in rapid succession, and start three of the four paragraphs with the word. This may just be a personal preference, but the only time I feel it's okay to do this is in the middle of a very heated action scene where you aren't giving long explanations of what's transpiring. It's just BHAM WHAM SLAM! And it's over.

Beyond this, there was nothing, which did not surprise me. Your choice of words is always careful and effective.

#D65F54 ">Plot:

At this point in the story, I'm so enthralled with the main plot and sub plots that even if this chapter sucked-which it absolutely does not-I'd still love it.

As with the formatting, this chapter is almost entirely different than the first six. While some people might find this annoying, I, personally, found it refreshing, and it helped to pull me in more. Writing in a sort of dark, cryptic voice can get a bit overbearing after awhile, and while I love it, I was excited to see that this little story twist. It almost felt like the first six chapters had been introductions, and now the real story is starting.

‘Sir...’ Someone sobbed, but still not a voice spoke. Almost everyone was sulking with their faces in hands or laps. Lost.

All too often writers like to force the dramatic parts of a book on the reader by turning an event into a pity party. They have a super sad funeral. The people cry a whole lot. Then they cry some more. It gets old and boring and never really conveys true emotion.

But, of course, you can't make death and horrific events pass by and have the characters just shrug it off. Unless they're battle hardened villains, they're going to be affected by it. The way you open this chapter doesn't even hint at depression or sadness. It almost feels like they're excited to get to his classroom, in a terrible way. Then they get down to the nitty-gritty, but it's so subtle, that I'm allowed to come to my own conclusions. Rather than you telling me what I'm supposed to feel, I get to do it on my own, and it not only makes it that much more personable, but also that much more realistic.

“He taught us not to be afraid. He taught us that action is the only way forward. He showed us we need to get our hands dirty. His death obviously meant something.” I continue. We all watch each other for a while longer, waiting to see who is to speak next. It is once again me.

This is the first moment where the boys really vocalize the lesson Sir has taught them. Very powerful message, and I didn't feel like it was forced or cliched. It's natural, and, though death is a horrible thing, I almost feel inspired by it. Almost like I'm now required to do something to repay Sir. And now comes the religious part.

I always look for them in writing, and though I doubt that you would have written it for this purpose, I can see a sort of Christ figure in Sir. He pays the ultimate price, so that we might have the knowledge and ability to achieve the ultimate goal. By sacrificing himself, he has given these boys the understanding, the truth, about life. Very, very powerful.

#D65F54 ">Character Development:

‘I propose that we nominate Commander Hutcheon as our head representative of the history boys, only beneath the most supreme Sir himself.’ Shane continued.

I love that, even after such a horrific thing, you're allowing your boys to "self medicate" with a bit of fun and jests, which is the natural thing to do. Not only does this establish them as boys, which can be hard to forget as the writer at times, but also shows individual sparks, such as in Shane, who is coming out as the leader of the group, even though he's nominating Hutcheon.

“He’s dead and he died for us!” I say back, careful not to yell back. “He died for a reason and he believed it was important. We should at least respect his wishes. Do you think he would want us grovelling on the ground like this!?”

But by far the greatest leap in character development has been the MC, the narrator, you. This chapter suddenly brings him out of the darkness of the narration world and really turns him into a character. Yes, he's spoken before and been a part of it, but h'es been sort of removed, not really interactive. Holding back. But, it seems, not anymore.

#D65F54 ">Eloquence:

They held a memorial in the morning at school. Compulsory attendance. We didn't attend.

This is, perhaps, the reason why the following paragraphs seemed repetitive and dull. I love it when writers, like you, separate short ideas and concepts and thoughts into even short sentences. Some people believe that you have to use lots and lots of flowery language to convey meaning and emotion and thought, but honestly, the things I find the most are the short and blunt. The statements.

The last sentence of the quote above pretty much sums up the next two paragraphs, which seem a bit unneeded. Honestly, though, it's not that big of a deal.

“Hey, it’s a Jap hat.” His laugh was bright and false. He heaved his arm over toward Chen. “Here ya go boy.”

‘You ass. Just because I’m Asian you give me the Jap hat. I’m not even Japanese.’ He laughed, batting it away with his fist so it went billowing across the room.

‘Close enough.’ Hutcheon shrugged.

Dialogue, banter, and sarcasm will take even the most boring and slow of scenes, and instantly transform them into something interesting and fast paced. Readers thrive off of dialogue, especially stuff such as this, because it's so easy to relate to, and hence so much more entertaining than just lists of explanations and descriptions.

You write plenty of dialogue in your books, and because you've really taken the time to craft your characters, it doesn't feel like the same person speaking the same words, through different mouths.

#D65F54 ">Elegance:

The box with the hats sat waiting, like a meal freshly cooked for our curious appetite. It was an anchor; a chain to draw our head away from the truth and back into the frivolousness exploration of boyhood.

Wordplay, as I've probably said before, is one of my favorite things. I love strange and unique explanations that tickle my mind, and this definitely is one of the best. I can picture the boys being drawn to the box, hungry to learn more. Hungry for more of Sir. A bit creepy in essence, but very powerful.

Hutcheon dove his fist back into the box, pulling out a floppy flap.

I laughed when I read this. "A floppy flap." It sounds so stupid, but is the perfect explanation for a hat. Which proves that you can be comical without ever writing humor.

#D65F54 ">Synopsis:

While this chapter may not have been as stunning or as intense as the first few, it was no less fun to read, and I enjoyed every minute of it. And trust me, I mean that. I must have read it through five or six times while writing this review, so I had many chances to find something to dislike, and I couldn't. You write very well, and I'm looking forward to continuing.

This chapter sounds like a song at the very beginning:

Six history boys were were. Six history boys we are. The best six history boys there will ever be.

And throughout, it is very dialogue driven:

‘Most agreeable!’ Chen confirmed.

‘Je suis d'accord.’ Beauregard chimed.

Not a bad thing at all, because it reveals character motivation and relations etc. etc. You're adding more and more characters, but at least they seem to all relate to each other. Somehow.

Complicated. Horrific and downright disturbing. I wonder how you came up with this?

And, I would cut down the number of times you use 'We', in the opening of this chapter.

Hai Blackwood, no wonder why no one is reviewing your works, they really are hard to critic. So this review will be mostly more ranting on about the story, characters and maybe some advice if I can think of some. Anyhow, let's go.

Let's just fix up some typos you missed out on.

‘Lets open the cupboard.’ He said.

Lets -> Let's.

‘We all need to look dapper or badass.’ Hutcheon decided.

Watch out for those periods at the end of a sentence, you keep forgetting to add them on.


Content:

So, I think you know this already. Your story is moving a bit slow at the moment, but is a good thing that all your chapters contains a crucial element to the overall plot in some way so is not like a complete filler. Your dialogue is very impressive, is as smooth as Lindt's chocolate and brings out the character's personality and characterizes them beautifully. However, here I will make a note that, like one of your previous reviewers day. Your characters all tends to fuses together. They sound different yet the sound the same, is a paradox I agree. But if you think through it, you will see why. Your language and pace is fine and steady, no need to worry about that.

As I was reading through this chapter, I noticed a few logic gaps.

‘We all need to look dapper or badass’ Hutcheon decided. ‘None of these will do.’

Why do they need to look dapper or badass? Care to explain why?

I really liked that whole philosophical discussion about how seconds always comes last, there is a lot of truth in that and at least now, the title makes sense.

‘I propose that we nominate Commander Hutcheon as our head representative of the history boys, only beneath the most supreme Sir himself.’ Shane continued.

May I ask why, does Shane propose that Hurcheon as captain? Are there any motives behinds this? Does they see Hutcheon as a sort of natural leader, I really didn't get the feel that he was. Did Sir favourite him, I doubt that. So it'd be nice to see the reason behind this somewhat random proposal. Hm, the same with the following ordering of rank. Still a bit unsure about that.

Overall, is moving at a relatively good pace. All the main characters have been introduced, and our MC is a most interesting character. It almost sets him apart from the others, I'm very curious as to what these boys will do next. Now that Sir is dead and they've got caps and hats on their heads, where are they going to go. I know you have a plan in mind, so carry whichever plan it is. But select one that you feel would contain the most action, mystery and suspense. Yet, at the end of the day it really depends on how you write it.

Hoped I helped.

~Laure