Young Writers Society

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

I had taken the early train to avoid Shane and Daniel. I don’t know why I did it. They had done nothing and neither had I. They were History Boys now.

Darany had been the first to double over. He didn’t have much bile to bring up, but he choked gravel, liquid pouring from his mouth and the contents of his stomach was emptied. His eyes were drowning in the blood winding its way between the small rocks. The stylish glasses had simply dropped from his face. Those one’s had been a new design. Round and huge, sitting on his cheeks, almost costume-like. He had always made any single pair of glasses look good; even when they were splattered in blood.

Why!?Why!? Why you bastard!

Shane had joined Darany’s profanity, muttering under his breath; that bastard, that damn bastard.

Sir pulled out his padded teachers chair.

‘Leave it boys.’ He laughed. ‘It looks like we have a new member.’

Hello!

"Waking up without squeezing every last second out of my bed was not something I usually did." This sentence is a bit confusing and I can't really tell what you're trying to say here. Try to change the order or the words or explain this thought in a much more concise manner, otherwise it'll confuse the reader.

That's really all I found in this work technique wise. I this chapter, the character doesn't seem to have any climatic value and there's a bit too much mystery for me. It all seems pretty open-ended.

You didn't put in too much background info to bore the reader, which is good. Adding in too much material about past endeavors can bore the reader, who won't want to read more about this person.

" blasting out blasphemy" Blasphemy is more about religious motives than simply insulting someone. You might want to try a different word to explain what the boys are doing.

Overall good job. There was nice description and imagery, and you used "show don't tell" very nicely.

I have more comments about structure in this chapter, than anything else. Obviously, we are working our way through the victims and how they are all dead by the end of their episode. And I feel this work is very episodic, ya know, kind of a cyclical structure within each chapter with an overall idea that is repeated throughout the narrative. This work is a kind of massive motif. It works. Will it continue to work? I'm not sure until I see how you end this thing. But for now, it's going ok.

So... you have a lot of 'small' paragraphs in here, that are really only sentences. I would get rid of some of the spacing and put the first few lines of the chapter together, like this:
'I had taken the early train that morning. Waking up without squeezing every last second out of my bed was not something I usually did. Unlike my classes, I was never particularly early for school. I had taken the early train to avoid Shane and Daniel. I don’t know why I did it. They had done nothing and neither had I. They were History Boys now.' To form something of a bit more substantial paragraph. Otherwise, it feels like you're reading a script.

Content wise... you've got your pathetic fallacy and your characterisation again. But what separates this guy from the previous victims? Darany is just "another one". I hope to see something a bit more remarkable in your other characters to spur the narrative on.