My name is Caitlin and if this book sounds like you don’t read it, this is my story. It all started when I had turned thirteen I was walking home from school to my apartment in Manhattan. I was so busy thinking about the test tomorrow that I didn’t notice I had taken a wrong turn. In Manhattan I normally know which way to get back home with because I have gotten lost before. But this alleyway I have never seen before I knew that I wasn’t to far from my route home. So I turned around and took one step forward when I heard something behind me. I sounded as If something was sniffing almost like to find me. So I turned around and I wished I hadn’t there 20 feet away was the largest bull I ever saw. Except this bull had what looked like his underwear on.
Now I know a lot about hallucination but no matter how hard I tried to make it go away it wouldn’t. So I knew this wasn’t a hallucination this had happened to me once before because I took a wrong turn. So I took off my necklace while I was trying to figure out what it was so I started to run. Now you all are probably wondering why I took off my necklace well you will see in a minute.
I then I heard a bello come behind me it was one of the worst belloś I have ever heard.
tell me what you think so far please I will exept criticism I just want to know what you think and what I need to edit
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Hi there.
I think Caitlin is a demigod, right?
If you make her a child of the big three, I think she can show some power during fighting the Minotaur (It's a minotaur, right?). Otherwise, maybe Grover or someone like him can come to save her. (It's my idea, you can write your own.)
Then she is supposed to go to half-blood camp and learn to use her powers.
Your story is good. Hoping for the next.
Keep it up!
Hey there. Kanome here with a review for you. Let's get started, shall we?
Character:
Caitlin seems like a pretty intriguing character, but I wish there was more of her personality in it? If that makes sense to you? I am assuming that the picture is suppose to be Caitlin, which is fine to me. I like to see a visual representation of what the character looks like, but it seems like it would've been better if you described what she looked like in your story.
Setting:
I understand that the setting for this right now is Manhattan. The setting was a bit vague for me. For your readers, and for future reference, make sure you describe your settings. For example, I never been to Manhattan, so it would cool if someone is able to describe what kind of place it is. You know what I mean?
Overall:
To be honest, your story is not bad but it does need a lot of work. There are so many commas that need to be placed in certain spots, but I didn't point them out because I figured you wanted criticism on the story itself. Also, I am assuming this is the prologue? Or is this the first chapter? Anyways, I do like Percy Jackson, so if you like, I can continue to read more of this story if you continue it.
Hope this helps out for you. Keep writing! Be sure to tag me in future chapters. c:
- Kanome
thank you