Buram closed his eyes. He tightly gripped the steel sword that he held before him, afraid that his sweat would cause him to lose grip of the blade. He could not make any mistakes now. He would die if he did. His young, toned body was poised, ready to attack or defend, if neccessary. His long, braided, black hair fell over his eyes. Sweat dripped from his every pore. His opponent, a young man by the name of Micelles. He was larger than Buram, and had more experince. Micelles was a true warrior. They both stared each other down, each one ready to deal the death blow. Micelle had a large gash on his shoulder, a blow that Buram had dealt him-which was bleeding heavily, blood cascading down to his torso.
The beat of the drum begain.
The two men came at each other with ferocious speed, and erupted into a frenzy of blood and sparks as their blades met and as steel met skin. Buram was weaker, but faster than Micelle, his nible body able to escape most of Micelles' blows. Micelles struck downward, hoping to deal a death blow to Buram's head. He saw the attack coming, and jumped backward, Micelles blade hitting the stone floor. Buram then lunged forward, his blade pointed at Micelles neck. Micelle let go of his blade, and swiftly moved his body to the side slightly, so that Buram ended up running past him. He then called the blade to his outstretched hand.
It was time to end this.
He focused all his willpower into the blade, all his anger, his fury, his power. As he did this, a dark mist begain to ebb around the egde of the blade. Buram sighed.
Warren powers. Buram had known Micelle was a Warren, but he challenged him anyway. Was it wrong to challenge this skilled warrior?
Micelles sword suddenly erupted into flame, and with an air of impetiousness, he charged.
Buram was suprised by the speed at which Micelles approached him. He then realized that the speed was also a part of Micelles Warren powers. Buram held out his sword, standing his ground. This was his last chance. Micelles charge, while powerful, was foolhardy. He ran at Buram, his flaming blade held up above his head. Buram stood, his sword pointed at Micelles.
Micelles did not realize the error of his charge before it was too late. He had ran himself right through Buram's blade. Buram pulled his sword out of Micelles chest, and sung the sword in an complete arc-beheading Miccelle before his body had even hit the ground. Micelles still bore the smile of the victor as his head landed a few feet away from his body.
Buram looked up. His audenice, the various nobles, merchants, and diplomats of Magez, and even more important, the twelve sword bearers. He spoke, his soft voice echoing across the room.
"I have proven my worth. Lady Marieose now belongs to me, she has no other suitor," He declared. His voice was delicate, but not weak. There was an unseen strength embedded in every word he spoke. Sword-Bearer Dastian, rose, his red robes overflowing about him.
"The child has won Lady Marieose's hand in marriage! he is the victcor!" Dastian's voice boomed. Slowly, clapping spread about the room. He had won. Buram walked to where Micelles body was lying. He ripped Micelles sword from his cold grasp. The sword was of fine design, a silver notched blade, slightly curved, with a gold hilt. It was heavy in Burams arms, but he held the sword high.
"For the one god Onum!" He cried, and pointed the sword to the sky. The audience cheered,
and Buram smiled. Though he noticed one of the Sword-Bearers exuse himself. He recongnized him-Sword Bearer Juiles. Micelles father.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
First, i noticed that you are new here, so welcome! Now, enough sweet talk. Here are my comments. One, it was ok. Second, his braided hair would not get in his eyes unless half had fallen out. I think that you need to have more description. Another thing is, you have a couple of half-sentences in there. Read your work over before you submit it.Another, you need a title. You can't just write something like that. You need a real title! Also, I do not believe that they would call him a child if he had just won the hand of that girl for marriage. Besides that, it's good! Just add more details.
Thanks! I'll work on that. Expect a rewrite soon.
I'm actually a little ashamed that I put this up.
*slaps self*
Hey Socialist, welcome to YWS! The name's Stella, and I will be your reviewer today.
Just a note- I saw that your own review count is currently non-existent. The more reviews you do, the more you'll get from other members around YWS, trust me on this. What goes around comes around etc. So, go review! I like to recommend at least a two to one Review:work ratio but really, it's up to you, just make sure that you do review, 'kay?
And now, my critique!
I. NITPICKS
Don't repeat grip. Also, I'm not liking the "tightly" because, well, how else is he going to grip it? If he tightens his grip or makes it a little tighter than before, then that's worthy of mention.
Again, young and toned body? I think the young isn't needed, because we'll find his age out at a later date, won't we?
Why the weird structure? You can say "was," you know.
Um, begain?
nible?
Micelles changed his name?
Micelles'.
as above.
As above again and Micelles has changed his name once more.
Flowing, surely?
You know what I'm going to say, and in the sentence following this too.
Buram's.
he, not He.
And... yeah.
II. EMOTION
So. There's a chance he's going to die. If he wins he gets to marry the woman he (hopefully) loves.
You'd think that his head would be quite a mess.
What I'd love to see is more of his head. I mean, sure, give us the action. But, for instance, has he ever killed before? How does he feel to be killing? Sorry, relieved, shaken, triumphant? And the duel itself obviously had a lot riding on it, but we don't find out about why they were fighting until his opponent is dead.
If they're both suitors, they probably have met before this. Does that mean he has memories of Micelles? Things that strike him as they fight?
And the Lady? Well, she doesn't even seem to make an appearance, in person or in thought.
I want to see these things, live as Barum does, know what he's going through as he's going through it. That's what makes reading fun.
III. OVERALL
Not bad. Get over a few punctuation hurdles and as I say, inject some feeling into it and it'll be great.
Hope I helped and if you have any questions about the review or the site, feel free to PM me!
-Stella.
Thanks! I'm actually using a french laptop, so its hard to type sometimes XD
THANK YOU APPLE. I LOVE YOU.
I'M EDITTING YOUR WORK FOR YOU!!!! YAY ME!!! GO ME!!!!
are your mistakes and what I place in green 
are just other random words 
What I place in red
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#00BF00 ">What is the title? I don't think it's "Do you like me"? But if it is than...you need a little more imagination!
Buram closed his eyes. He tightly gripped the steel sword that he held before him, afraid that his sweat would cause him to lose grip of the blade. He could not make any mistakes now. He would die if he did. His young, toned body was poised, ready to attack or defend, if neccessary. His long, braided, black hair fell over his eyes. Sweat dripped from his every pore. His opponent, a young man by the name of Micelles. He was larger than Buram, and had more experince. Micelles was a true warrior. They both stared each other down, each one ready to deal the death blow. Micelle had a large gash on his shoulder, a blow that Buram had dealt him-which was bleeding heavily, blood cascading down to his torso.
#00BF00 ">Woah that is a lot of comma's. You don't need that much read over it and take them out where you see fit.
The beat of the drum begain.
The two men came at each other with ferocious speed, and erupted into a frenzy of blood and sparks as their blades met and as steel met skin. Buram was weaker, but faster than Micelle, his nible body able to escape most of Micelles' blows. Micelles struck downward, hoping to deal a death blow to Buram's head. He saw the attack coming, and jumped backward.#FF0000 ">Full stop here. Micelles blade hit the stone floor with a clang #FF0000 ">Added a few words to make it make more sense. Buram #FF0000 ">sounds better with out then lunged forward, his blade pointed at Micelles neck. Micelle let go of his blade, and swiftly moved his body to the side slightly, so that Buram ended up running past him. He then called the blade to his outstretched hand. #00BF00 ">To wordy for just one sentence (the previous sentence)
It was time to end this.
He focused all his willpower into the blade, all his anger, his fury, his power. As he did this, a dark mist begain to ebb around the egde of the blade. Buram sighed.
Warren powers. Buram had known Micelle was a Warren, but he challenged him anyway. Was it wrong to challenge this skilled warrior?
Micelles sword suddenly erupted into flame, and with an air of impetiousness, he charged.
Buram was suprised by the speed at which Micelles approached him. He then realized that the speed was also a part of Micelles Warren powers. Buram held out his sword, standing his ground. This was his last chance. Micelles charge, while powerful, was foolhardy. He ran at Buram, his flaming blade held up above his head. Buram stood, his sword pointed at Micelles.
Micelles did not realize the error of his charge before it was too late. He had ran himself right through Buram's blade. Buram pulled his sword out of Micelles chest, and sung the sword in an complete arc-beheading Miccelle before his body had even hit the ground. Micelles still bore the smile of the victor as his head landed a few feet away from his body.
Buram looked up. His audenice, the various nobles, merchants, and diplomats of Magez, and even more important, the twelve sword bearers. He spoke, his soft voice echoing across the room.
"I have proven my worth. Lady Marieose now belongs to me, she has no other suitor," He declared. His voice was delicate, but not weak. There was an unseen strength embedded in every word he spoke. Sword-Bearer Dastian, rose, his red robes overflowing about him.
"The child has won Lady Marieose's hand in marriage! he is the victcor!" Dastian's voice boomed. Slowly, clapping spread about the room. He had won. Buram walked to where Micelles body was lying. He ripped Micelles sword from his cold grasp. The sword was of fine design, a silver notched blade, slightly curved, with a gold hilt. It was heavy in Burams arms, but he held the sword high.
"For the one god Onum!" He cried, and pointed the sword to the sky. The audience cheered,
and Buram smiled. Though he noticed one of the Sword-Bearers exuse himself. He recongnized him-Sword Bearer Juiles. Micelles father.
Overall:
I found no more mistakes whihc is really good. Great job, I really like this and recommend you do more! Though shorten your sentences they are way to wordy!