Sorry it doesn't have a name yet.

I don't have a name for this one yet but I'm thinking of calling it Guardian Angel or something along that line. This idea popped into my head while I was on the way to school one morning last month and now it's down on paper so i hope you enjoy it!

Chapter One - Part One:

Angel stood in the middle of her local park; the starless night sky covered the world in a glaze of blackness. Her dark brown hair was pulled into a scruffy bun, yet she had let her side fringe stay loose and her dark green eyes starred out across the main road and into the hedge row on the other side. The scuffing of shoes along the gravel path made Angel snap out of her trance and turn around to face her visitor. The hard-headed look on her face softened as the individual approached her. The teen, dressed in dishevelled jeans and a soft brown hoodies, drew nearer to her. The boy smiled, his shady blonde hair moved gentle in the breeze and his sapphire eyes gazed into hers.

At first they both said nothing, but Angel gestured to the swings and they both moved across the damp grass to them. Angel starred at the various objects around her. A small, childs zip wire was positioned in front of her and to her right stood two small climbing frames, one wood and the other plastic. Dotted around were other swings of various sorts that she had never come across before. As she tried to push herself up she felt her friend’s eyes stare at her and she immediately sat down again, using her feet to rock backwards and forwards in a steady manor.

“Why did you ask me to come here Lucas?” Angel asked, speaking softly so the boy would not take her question in a negative light. He stared at the floor, almost scared to look at her while he thought of an answer. Finally, he looked up.

“Because I needed to see you…to tell you…I wanted to know if you were O.K.” The last part he mumbled in embarrassment and he looked at the floor once more. Angel didn’t know what to say. She was glad he had worried yet she didn’t feel she could tell him so. Lucas built up the courage to continue after realising that he would not get a response. “After what…after what happened at the beginning of summer I expected you to hide away for a while…”

“I didn’t hi…”

“It’s O.K,” he continued, understanding his friend’s interruption. “I understand how you feel. I would have stayed away for a while to.” He let this sink in and turned to face Angel. She tried to ignore his starring eyes but they had always won in the past and tonight was no different. She turned to face him. “We go back to school on Monday, that’s only three days, and you’re going to have to see everyone then and their going to want to ask questions…” Angel stood up and walked a few paces forward so the boy wasn’t in her vision anymore.

“It’s me though isn’t it? It’s my fault that these kids aren’t normal. Me and my messed up family.” A single tear ran down her cheek bringing with it mascara from her eyelashes.

“Angel, stop it. It might be your parents fault but it defiantly isn’t yours. Plus most of us love what it has done to us. Anyway, who wants to be normal?” Lucas stopped talking, letting Angel gather her thoughts. After a few minutes past he stood up and put his arms around Angel. “You have an amazing gift and with that gift you have given others amazing gifts to.” The corner of Angel’s mouth lifted at the idea of her inability to be normal as a gift.

“Not everyone likes gifts Lucas.” A hint of reality echoed through speech.

“And anyway, it’s not just about gifts, is it? It’s also about what we have to do with them to protect everyone else.” Lucas sighed. He didn’t want to admit it, and Angel respected that, but she was right. Angel turned to face him, another tear rolled down her cheek which he wiped off with the back of his hand. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“It’s only a tear.”

“That’s not what I…”

“I know what you meant and trust me; we all think it’s worth it.” They both smiled, but their moment of happiness was cut short as a sound of a twig snapping in the brambles beside them made them instantly spin round, ready to put up a fight.

“Ow…stupid twig,” the girl’s voice echoed over the silent playground. “You wouldn’t have known I was here if that stupid twig hadn’t of…why are you two looking at me like that? You look like you’re about to pounce on me?” The teen approached them, her chocolate hair was tied in a neat ponytail but her fringe was messy and sticking up in different directions.

“Ashley,” the two said in unison.

“What are you doing here?” asked Lucas, careful not to act as if he had to hide.

“I saw you two here and wanted to say hi, but then I noticed that you were saying something important and I wanted to know the gossip.” A small smiled appeared on her face and she tried to change it into a look of innocents.

“What did you hear?” asked Angel, worried that Ashley had heard too much.

“Something about gifts and then not everyone likes gifts and then you said thank you or something like that.” Ashley tried to think hard about what she had heard. “It was kind of hard to hear anything, you two kept whispering.”

“I’m sorry Ashley.” Angel stepped forward, glazed at Lucas for a split second, and then stared into Ashley’s hazel eyes. She stared back, wanting to know why her friend was sorry.

“What are you sorry for?” But before she could get an answer Angel’s eyes turned pour white and Ashley was caught in a trance.

“You came here looking for me and Lucas. Forget what you heard us say. You now have to leave because you’re late to meet your parents at home.” Ashley nodded and Angel’s eyes turned back to their normal colour of green.

“Oh!” exclaimed Ashley, checking the time on her phone. “I just remembered that I need to meet my parents and I’m already late. See you at school!” and with that she ran off down the street.

“I wish I never had to do that,” Angel sighed, “I wish I never have to do it again.”

“We could have told her.”

“No. I’m a telepath Lucas. Trust me, she doesn’t want to know.”

Please review and if you like it I'll post the next part up soon!!

Comments & reviews · 3
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Spitfire
Review

AWW SHIT! I'd done a really long review for you, and then my internet stopped connecting and I lost it all!
So, I'm not going to do this all over again, i'll do a summary of it.

Characters
You don't have to describe your characters completely when you first introduce them. Take your time, spread it around the chapter. Because if you put it all in one shot, it feels like an info-dump.
Now, when you do describe your characters, don't stick to the hair-eyes-clothes description. Broaden the characteristics; the shape of their face, their smell (if they smell bad or good), their ethnicity, their general size (tall, small, skinny, slim, fat, etc). There's so much more you can tell us, plus it gives us a much clearer picture on them then their hair and eye colour and what they're wearing.

Words
You used a lot of "starred"; the word is "stared". If you put it with two "r", it's like if you're sayin a star.

Blackrose wrote:The last part he mumbled in embarrassment and he looked at the #FF4000 ">floor once more.

They're outside, so he's looking at the ground, not the floor.

Blackrose wrote:“I understand how you feel. I would have stayed away for a while to#FF4000 ">o.”


Blackrose wrote:Angel turned to face him, another tear roll#FF4000 ">ed down her cheek which he wiped off with the back of his hand.

*rolling

Scene
Blackrose wrote:The scuffing of shoes along the gravel path made Angel snap out of her trance and turn around to face her visitor. The hard-headed look on her face softened as the individual approached her.

Ok, first she's in a trance, then she seems angry. Why? You need to explain why is she in a trance. Was she waiting long? Was she having a vision or something? And then, when she hears something, why does her face turn hard? Is she paranoïd? In danger? etc.

Blackrose wrote:“I saw you two here and wanted to say hi, but then I noticed that you were saying something important and I wanted to know the gossip.” A small smiled appeared on her face and she tried to change it into a look of #FF4000 ">innocents.

*innocence
What I don't get is how Ashley says she notices they're having an important conversation, yet she can't even really hear them. Instead, she should have said something along the lines of "You two looked deep in conversation"

Title
There's nothing wrong with the title Guardian Angel, but the one thing about being a writer and publishing books is being different, being unique. So the one problem with Guardian Angel is that it has been used many times, whether for a story or a documentary and even songs. So I strongly suggest you find something different. I'd love to help you, but as I don't know the whole context of your story, I can't. But if you want, I'd be happy to review your next chapters and help you find a title.
If not, then you might want to consider analysing your story. What, in it, is different then everything else? Powers? Characters? Names? If you find something that is completely different and unheard of, then I suggest you use that.

And that is all I have to say,
Spitfire out ;)

Hi! Well done! I really liked this. I think the overall idea was pretty good. There are a few nitpicks e.g. "...her dark green eyes starred" should be "stared" and sometimes you missed out commas that should have been there, especially in Angel's dialogue. I like your writing style and structure, although I think some parts could have been explained better....then again, if this is the first part of a longer story then you'll have time to do that later! Anyway good job! I certainly would like to read the next part :P



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