Let’s Hold Hands – Chapter 1
Sam sat at the end of the jetty watching the sun sink below the water. He had a camera (insert actual name) nesting in his hoodie beside him and a new book held warmly in his hands. Sam deeply inhaled the new-book smell only to have it beaten back by salt and seaweed.
Sam lived on the outskirts of the city in a suburb that might as well have been another town altogether; known by the locals as Little Bay. He saw the streetlights begin to glow like fireflies, signalling for ‘time to go home’.
Sam made his way home, glancing at posters and billboards of swimwear models and guys riding surfboards; no one he knew looked at all like these people – then again he hadn’t exactly met that many people either.
As he walked onto the front porch, he turned to take one last snapshot of the fading light before being greeted by the smell of a chef at work and the condescending looks from the self-proclaimed royalty ruling the couch.
Sam payed his due respects to the ginger feline and trailed the aroma coming from the kitchen.
‘What on earth are you cooking?’
A proud grin railed with steel replied ‘Something special; our favourite in fact; Mac and Cheese!’
Sam’s heart sank to his stomach, but after he saw the yellow noodle-alien goo bubbling in the pot, his heart continued to his feet and through the floorboards.
‘That looks, umm, great Laura, but how about we order a pizza?’
‘Do you have a problem with the way a cook Samuel?’ Laura growled, fire burning deep in her eyes so intensely it could ignite Sam’s soul.
‘No! I love your cooking; if there were any ones cooking I couldn’t live without it is yours!’ –
May god forgive him for his lies ‘I just think that tonight is too important to be slaving away in the kitchen?’
Laura contemplated his logic and her eyes returned to a moss green.
Sam almost too eagerly plucked out his iPhone and ordered the usual, vegetarian for Laura and pepperoni for himself and a side of garlic bread.
He cleared the staircase and entered his room, discarding his RSL onto the mattress and adding the novel to the family of books inhabiting his shelves.
Wandering downstairs he could see Laura sitting down next to the old-tom affectionately scratching him under his proud chin.
‘How is it that that he lets you pet him? I can’t even get three-feet near him before he gets all grumpy’
‘It’s a redhead thing Sammy, we wouldn’t expect you to understand’ Laura said smugly.
‘We?’ he exclaimed ‘Who’s we? Please do not tell me you are speaking on behalf of that cat!’ Sam couldn’t believe he was being put out by a redhead complex
‘I swear you are insane Laura’
She giggled ‘The best ones often are, Sammy’
On your planet maybe he smartly thought to himself.
As he threw himself down next to her, Sam remembered the times they would argue like this as kids. He recalled playing in the backyard with Laura. She often wanted to make him play the helpless princess so she could be the brave knight with a familiar grumpy kitten-sized tom as her valiant steed.
‘Do I have to play the princess?’
‘Yes, Sam’ said Laura ‘girls don’t always have to be the ones that need rescuing, you know!’
Sam protested like a defending lawyer in the heat of the case ‘But it’s not like a guy wants to be stuck in a tower either! Why can’t we both play the hero?’
‘Coz then who would we save, stupid?’
Sam shot her a sarcastic look, Laura made a good point but he would never admit to that, ‘Well I’m no princess but I do need saving from you!’
Laura held her side as if her ribs might explode from laughter ‘See! You make a great Princess’.
(bridge it) Laura flicked through the channels on the LCD and stopped at a national news program doing a story on the local airline
‘Sammy, look! Doesn’t your mum work for that company? They are saying that this coming month is the busiest one this year!’
‘Yup that’s the one. She’s going to be pretty busy with the upcoming holidays by the sounds of it’ Sam replied.
‘It was so kind of her to get me that discounted flight. It was totally last minute’ said Laura as she found a new program to watch.
Sam’s mum was close with Laura and seemed to get on well with her parents.
‘Yeah, I can’t believe you leave in a week. It’s going to be quiet around here’ Sam felt despair eating away at him ‘How long will you be away?’
Laura paused for a second before answering ‘It’s been a while since I’ve seen my parents so I am pretty sure they want me to stay for a while’ Laura half-heartedly laughed ‘Then they will be venturing off to yet another island off in the Caribbean somewhere’
‘Do you ever think your parents roll around in piles of money like rich people do in the movies?’ Sam said humorously in an attempt to cover up the emptiness in his stomach.
Laura shifted herself to rest her head on Sam’s lap which calmed him down ‘Of course they would Sam, they are my parents.’ She sighed ‘Ever since they retired it has been nothing but hoola-girls and margaritas; they get the fun and I get the postcards’.
Sam stared blankly causing the room to disfigure; Laura leaving overwhelmed his thoughts; two weeks alone. The chime of the doorbell threw him mercilessly back to reality and he zombie-walked over, unbolting the locks and throwing the door open like an impatient old man.
A startled delivery boy stood innocently waiting for the pizzas to be retrieved.
(TBC)
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Scanning over your piece, I saw some good and bad! Honestly you should consider formatting it a little better. It gets distracting to read with no space between the lines, like it's all jammed together or something.
Nice job and keep writing!
What I probably noticed the most is how much you use "Sam." I find myself when I write doing the same thing and have to force myself to find different ways to start sentences and bring out the point I'm trying to make.
You have good description and I like your writing style! Again, the formatting really distracted me but maybe I'm just weird like that.
Hey! Here to review as requested!
Just keep working.
So, I do think this is the making of something great. Here are a few tips to consider:
1. 'Sam'- If you read your first two paragraphs, you will notice that you've mentioned the name Sam a little too often. This messes with the general pace and flow of the piece. This is ofcourse, very easily avoidable. Simply exchange 'Sam' for something else that is appropriate, for instance 'he'.
2. Cliches- Avoid using cliches such as 'fire burning deep in her eyes so intensely it could ignite Sam’s soul'. The whole fire burning deep in her eyes has been done to death. Don't be afraid to go out and create your own metaphors, similes, personifications... and avoid at all costs overused cliches like the above.
3. Show vs. Tell- I am still having a little trouble with balancing this whole thing myself. At first, you seemed to have it, with SHOWING what the characters were doing instead of TELLING us what they were doing.
4. And this point links to the other one slightly, but don't TELL us what to think... well, you can, but not in this context and a lot more subtly. What I mean is this:
On your planet maybe he smartly thought to himself.- we don't want to be told that what he thought was 'smart', or 'witty', we'd prefer to come to that conclusion ourselves. Otherwise it sounds a bit like the character is a show off (since it seems to be third person omniscient, unless you're using free indirect style but I didn't catch that)
5. Again: no one he knew looked at all like these people – then again he hadn’t exactly met that many people either.
I did not quite understand this, but is he saying he looked like a swimwear model? Isn't that a little... arrogant?
6. The way you've included some of the background story seems a little forced. For instance, the second paragraph which tells us where he lives. Where is the link between that first and second paragraph? They seem to just be really disjointed.
7. Storyline- Not much I can say as of now, but one thing I don't quite understand- if her parents are so rich, why won't they pay for her to go visit them? Why does she have to look for discount flights? Surely, if her parents were aware that she was not as well off as them, they would help her financially, as parents tend to do?
But, worry not! It is not all gloom and doom!
I did love the humor within the piece- especially the self proclaimed royalty bit, it so perfectly describe how a cat would truly be, and it made me smile.
Also, I loved how well you incorporated some of the details about the characters into the actual story i.e. the fact that she's a ginger by her making a comment about the cat and herself both being ginger.
So, as you said, this is a work in progress, and I am confident that eventually it will be great
And here's my Star Rating (Out of 10 as of now! 5 is far too limiting!)
******* out of **********
7 out of 10
WEEE
Feel free to request a review when you edit this or add more.
I know you're still editing and whatnot, but I would suggest not bothering to get the 'actual name'. It's irrelevant information, really. The name of the book would be of more importance because you could easily use it to foreshadow or to simply give us a bit of insight into who your character is.
Definitely be sure to put periods in your dialogue. A sentence of dialogue is still a sentence, so be sure you're using proper punctuation. Annnnd "smartly" is an awful description. I would strongly suggest rewording that. And I know you're still editing this, but definitely be sure to do a thorough job of proof-reading because there are quite a bit of punctuation errors and oddly-worded sentences.
'Cause
The only huge problem I see with this is the pacing of the story. You're moving much too fast, especially for a novel, and as a result your story is all over the place. Take the time to slow it down with more dialogue/descriptions/actions (etc) because as of right now, the story line is incredibly hard to follow.
Message me if you want to discuss this some more! Cheers
thanks man.
I did notice the pacing is a bit too fast. Part of the editing is to try and add more to each scene and maybe tell a little more about the character. Punctuation isn't exactly my strongest point, so even in the edited version you may find a few errors. If you could help me improve in this area it'd be a win-win hahaha.
If you have any further advice, i'd love to chat.
Thanks and I hope you could review the reworked version too.
For sure! Just let me know when you're done with the reworked version and I'd be more than happy to give it a look
Wow, very good story. It really drew me in and something about your dialogue and descriptions was just superb.
I know you're still editing, but I just wanted to point out that you could use a little work on punctuation; it was incorrect in many places. For example, in a sentence such as, "She giggled ‘The best ones often are, Sammy’" you want to say, "She giggled. 'The best ones often are, Sammy.'"
So maybe go through it and try to find the punctuation mistakes. Other than that I couldn't find anything you should change once the basic editing is done.
Great job. I want to read the rest
Im hoping these first few pages can set an example for the ones that follow. I think once I get it get it to sound as good as possible I will know how to write the rest. Punctuation is something I would like to improve on as it is something that has often put me off writing. Im thankful to have a few new ideas.
I really appreciate your review.
FYI to reviewers and readers... I am currently editing this, so feel free to leave your comments but keep in mind that it is still in the works.