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Chrysalis

by BlackThorne


full of caterpillar 

and milkweed,

the splitting skin

and sap and seed,

smooth and green 

like peels of lime, 

gold and dew 

with glowing shine.

due to crackle open

into crumpled wings

pumping

with

blood.


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Tue Mar 31, 2020 4:39 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there BlackThorne,

I thought this was a fine descriptive piece, about the changing of caterpillars into butterflies, but I was hoping with such a poignant image chosen that there would be a little more significance at the end. I think the poem could move towards being more significant either by adding an "I" or narrating voice to the piece; why does the speaker find the caterpillar remarkable? Who are they in relation to the caterpillar? Is the speaker the caterpillar? Or you could make it more significant by making the chrysalis a clear metaphor for something more personal that the reader might relate to. Adding significance to a poem adds to its re-readability and impact too.

Word-wise I think you had some real gems in here for word-choice. I liked that you used some words that I wouldn't expect like the "lime" and "crackle open" those were clever and new ways to describe something rather extraordinary. The sound in the poem actually was nice even though I'm not sure you were using a rhyme scheme, you had a few pieces of assonance that really made the poem flow well in addition to your consistent punctuation and capitalization.

A last suggestion - in poetry when you have words all on their own on a line without anything else, they get super emphasized. Like when you. put. periods. after... each... word... line breaks create a similar spacing in our reading that create emphasis. So words that are by themselves should be chosen really carefully since so much focus goes to them. I don't think the last three words culminated in enough to justify them being in their own lines, is there something more impactful you could end on?

It occurred to me that maybe it's formatted that way so that the whole poem is supposed to look like a chrysalis perhaps - which if true, is pretty neat! I love shape poems, a poem formatted as a butterfly would be an interesting secound edition for this piece.

Keep writing!

Let me know if you have questions about my review! :)

- alliyah




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Fri Mar 27, 2020 4:14 pm
Cici wrote a review...



Hello, BlackThorne!

This was such a cool poem! I'm not very good at reviewing or writing poetry, but I'll give you my thoughts on "Chrysalis." First off, I really liked the concept of the poem and how you raised monarchs. Your description of the process was really nice as well and included a lot of wonderful details.

It might just be me, but I wasn't sure why the first period was there. I was a bit confused about what the line "gold and dew with glowing shine" was modifying. At first, I thought it was describing the peels of lime, but I'm not sure. I don't know, maybe try to make it more clear (?), but this is your poem and it might be fine as it is. My comments are only suggestions, and you don't have to take any of them if they don't help the poem.

Just a thought, maybe include details of the setting that the chrysalis is in (?). For example, how it's dangling off of a branch (I'm not sure; I don't have experience in this). I also wasn't sure if there was a rhyme scheme. I think there was a rhyme pattern in the beginning until the last part, but that might have been deliberate.

Sorry that I'm bad at reviewing poetry, but I did greatly enjoy reading this. I guess I would just recommend reading it aloud and seeing if there is anything that you might want to change.

Thanks for sharing this!
Cici




BlackThorne says...


thank you!



Cici says...


You're welcome! :)



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Fri Mar 27, 2020 4:11 am
Brenn wrote a review...



Hi, BlackThorne!

I really like your poem, and I especially love that these are things that you either directly saw or researched when raising butterflies yourself. I enjoyed the rhythm of your poem. The line breaks and rhyming seemed very purposeful, which allowed the words to flow well as I was reading it. The last few lines "pumping with blood" is a good statement, but I don't think it matched the rhythm of the other lines. Of course, maybe you did this strategically, in order to provide emphasis to these words, because it did break the flow and force me to slow down and just read. Good job!

Keep writing,
Brenn




BlackThorne says...


thank you! :)



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Thu Mar 26, 2020 8:33 pm



Good job! I like how detailed the story is, but I also like how to the point the poem is. Butterflies are one of my favorite animals, and you did them justice. Keep on doing amazing poetry!




BlackThorne says...


thank you!




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