I sat on the window sill , looking up at the sky. The clear, dark sky. The sky with the stars and moon shinning so bright. Hey there wasn't any other sky right? And how much more could I clarify ? I looked up on to the stars and started naming the constellations. After a point I had to stop, nothing was left. I sat in the darkness with the moon light falling on my face. My dog, Zorro, sat curled up on the bed and looked at me with his huge,brown eyes. I gave him a wobbly smile.
Only he knew me inside-out. It was my fathers fifth death anniversary. Yeah he's been dead now for five years. And now I'm eighteen. So I lost him when I was thirteen. I knew all the constellations because of him. He loved the stars,planets, moons, the planets moon etc etc and basketball players and baseball ones too and did I mention he cricket players ?
I heard a small rapt on the door. "Come in" I said adding a sigh later and continued looking out of the window. My mom entered with a small muffin and a candle on it. "Ma, why are we celebrating Dad's death anniversary?" I asked my mom. Okay! now I'm confused. "We're not celebrating his death,love, we're celebrating the wonderful joyful years he had with us!" My mom chimed with happiness.
I couldn't everything reminded me of him. He taught me basketball,baseball and cricket. I excel in those things! Hell I'm even captain of the Basketball team, well women's. I'm considered even better than some of the boys on the boys team. I'm not going to mention whom. "Ma, can you please leave me alone." I told my mom. "Lexy I'm not going to leave you alone, today at least. I know you miss your papa but we have to accept to learn to live with it." My mom said and gulped in air. Now, I was disgusted. My father died five years ago on this day and you want me to? Ah just forget it. My mom hugged me from behind and said "Ohana means family!"
"You got hat from Lilo and Stitch !" I told my mom, resting my head against her shoulder. "Your favorite film!" My mom said and closed that case.
"You know what else your father used to say?" My mom asked me, while taking a bite from the muffin.
"Yeah, all the great people are up there in the stars forever and ever,well before they go supernova." I said repeating my dad's exact words.
"Your dads up there, see the brightest start there," Ma pointed to a really bright star. "Yeah" I answered.
"That's your dad right up there looking down at us, smiling and saying 'idiots!' in his Arnold Schwarzenegger accent." Ma said, taking a last bit and giving it to me.
Tears stung my little brown eyes, I blinked them back and chewed on the muffin. Maybe it was time to let go.
My mom raked a hand through my chocolate brown hair and kissed my cheek and got up. "Come on dinners ready! Pizza!" She said. "With the tiny pineapple pieces ?" I asked. My mom nodded her head.
"Ma!" I said. "Yeah baby ?" Ma asked me. "I loves you's!" which meant 'I love you so much mommy!'
"Loves you's to baby." My ma said in her motherly voice. You know that voice your mom uses that melts your heart and if you do something wrong your heart feels heavy ? Yeah that voice.
I stood up, pulled my tee down from behind. Looked at my dad and said "Love's you's too dad" winked and left with a Zorro at my heels. I had a funny feeling that my dad was actually watching me from above.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi Black!
~ I like how you start the story by sitting on the window sill looking up at the sky, but you 'clarify' too much- perhaps condense, instead? "I sat on the window sill, looking up at the clear dark sky; at the moon shining brightly, and the stars lining the darkness around it." Description is good- beating a single scene to death by rephrasing it four times is not.I see you're new here, so welcome! ^-^ If you need any help or have any questions, feel free to PM me. I'll be glad to help you if you need/want me to.
For your review:
~ Wham! You make us feel semi-peaceful with your bit about the night sky, and then BOOM! Your Dad's dead? Try introducing it a bit, so readers aren't as shocked:
"A single tear drop rolled down my cheek as I looked into his somber, all knowing eyes; grieving for my Father. My dear Father, so full of life and love, laid to rest five years ago- leaving me to brave my teenage years without his love and support. He had left me with nothing but an interest in astronomy- I couldn't really help my love for it, when he had always been so passionite about it. I could still remember how animated he was when he used to talk about the planets and thier moons and the stars." Of course you shouldn't edit word for word, but try mixing emotion and description in this piece, rather than just presenting information: My dad died five years ago, when I was thirteen, I'm eighteen now.
Also, I don't understand the bit about baseball, basketball, and cricket. Did her Father have a passion for those sports too? Please clarify--and don't use 'ect'. That's used to indicate that a list goes on, but the author doesn't care enough to write everything out- bad image for a recreational writer.
~ Okay, you specifically said 'Ma' at the beginning of your question, so 'asked my mom' is uneccessary. Just "I asked" would suffice. Also, instead of 'Okay! now I'm confused." Try adding her thoughts (italicized) to add the confusion, without 'telling' us about it- that, or phrasing your statement to be more personal. "Her perkiness had never made any sense to me- celebrating the date that my Dad was taken from me? No thanks." That's not a particularly amazing example- just an idea.
Also- Each speaker warrents their own paragraph. It keeps things nice and simple if, with every new speaker, comes a new paragraph.
Perhaps rephrase: "I couldn't help that everything reminded me of him. I excelled in basketball, baseball and cricket- all of the things he had taught me. I was even captain of the women's basketball team- maybe even better than some of the guys on the boys team."
~ Typo- that.
~ You should have a contraction here. This should be 'your Dad is' therefore is should be "You Dad's"~ Note apostrophe and capitalization.
~ This is kind of cute in real life, but I'd avoid it in writing. It doesn't feel...I don't know. As writing should. Please use correct grammar and punctuation in your writing.
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Okay, I hope that wasn't too harsh. You did have a good story, and I did enjoy it. I'm just a brutal editor who's a bit too plain-spoken for my own good.
If you need any more help, or have any questions, feel free to PM me.
Keep Writing!
~Shady
You weren't brutal at all. I'm on this site so hopefully one day when my writing and imagination are good enough I can become a novelist. So I really need all the advice I can get. Thank you so much!
-BlackStallion