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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Black Chaos! Here is your pal, Al, for a Point Out! So, this is a poem from long ago, eh? How long? 2000 years? 200 Days? 20 hours? 2 minutes? Anyway, here's a review overview of your piece:
Wowee! Its a simple love story told from one voice. I think it's very sweet and just mild. As it turned out, you've told the readers a short story of changing. It's quite uncertain if the change is good or bad, but the piece exemplifies the lacking of the speaker, meaning that he is learning to learn more to love more. It was like reading a romance novel told in the poem. The last two verses, separated from the others, seems to be a great tie-up.
Now, there are a few things I think I should point out:
WORDS CREATE WORLDS:
As I've said, your poem was told in a very sweet and mild way. Yes, like decaf coffee. It seemed to be a love letter. Now, the best of poems can tackle the imagination of the reader, enabling them to view a scene within the poem. This piece is good, but I'm pretty sure you can develop it! Try interchanging words, replace common words with not-so-common (not rare or deep!) words and use figurative speech. The effect of those in this piece won't only make it seem creative, but it also unwraps a scene in the reader's mind where the dialogue like narration takes place.
BIG, SMALL
I know it doesn't matters much, but capitalization is still a must. Better check the piece's first words!
COMMA-TOSE
I noticed that almost in every line is a comma. Comma is more commonly used in poems to denote addition, explanation or a continued action or following action. Comma as a pause is usually applied in prose. You don't need to add too much punctuation into the piece, each verse is the pause per se. There are times in this piece where comma is properly used, but still be wary on using improper punctuation in other pieces!
RAININ'
Okay, the most important thing I can point out is to pour in! Pour in what? EMOTION! FEELINGS! THOUGHTS! I know I pointed out a lot of things here, but what we're talking about here is art. Self-expression. Those rules are only there to guide you. What matters most is that you let all your ideas out and express it in the way you yourself can. And also, have fun
That's all I can Point Out today. I wish these pointers helps you a lot! Not only with developing this piece but also in writing in general. I wish you good luck and the wishes of continuous writing!
Your Pointer,
Al
Hey Chaos!
Beautiful poem here. The words you have used, perfectly match each other. I absolutely loved the last two sentences. It was perfect! (Y)
Though, I found your piece confusing. First, I was like "Oh wow. This guys got a smooth flow." but then it was turned down. The pattern was like this:
Clear, Confusing, Clear, Confusing, Awesome
Also, you will need to know something. Every line of your poem starts with a Capital Letter which is not necessarily needed. In textbooks, it is like that because they print it like that. While writing if there's a comma, do you start the next word with a Capital Letter? No, right? =)
So, whenever the line ends with a comma, start the next line with a low case letter. Okay? ^.^
Now, on to the mistakes:-
Lines that were prefect.
1.
2.
3.
These three paragraphs were very well perfect. Except of the fact of the capital and low case problem.
Confusing Parts/Mistakes
1.
I found this line that it had no sense. What is it that you mean here?
2.
Confusing and some are meaningless. Maybe if you rearranged some sentences, it would have been all right. x) Especially the 3rd,4th & 5th line.
3.
When you compare this paragraph with the previous one, it makes no sense. I mean, it was confusing and not right. Maybe you should change. Okay? xD
Overall: It was beautiful but there are many parts to which you have to change. You're a great writer! You should really write more poems. Don't give yet! Everyone starts from a difficult position but, that's how you learn!
Keep Writing, Mate! (Y)
Cookie <3
This is the first time I've actually received good criticism for my poems. This one was one of the first I wrote, quite a long time ago and definitely was a trial and error process.
I get why the parts you've mentioned may have come across as confusing, so I think I'll give a short explanation.on them as best I can.
I don't really remember why I wrote that. As I said, it was a long time ago. From what I do recall, it was supposed to be saying that finding new love is a beautiful thing which nothing else in life compares to. Here "breath" was referring to the way it quickly passes in and out of our life, similar to our breathing patterns. Kind of obscure I think.
Definitely should rearrange some of it. But it did make some sense to me at the time. The "crown" and "wreath" are both laurels of success. Hence they were brought in to refer to the great times some people have had over the year.
"For few, it was pain.
Broken heart, yet not mended."
I think this was pretty clear. Some people were hurt either by relationships or by traumatic experiences. Their sorrow has not yet ended, but the next line states that time indeed heals all wounds. Sooner or later.
I think this was alright. Apart from the last line which, again, made sense at the time. It refers to the rebirth of the Phoenix, which undergoes changes as it progresses.
i really do appreciate your amazing advice and thank you for taking the time to help me out. I'll be posting more of my previous work here when time permits and I'll be working on some more as soon as my exams are over.
Well, I think that the message was clear here
. It affected me as soon as I've read it!