Published October 14, 2006
Some of you may know this one already, and don't worry, a new poem or two or three shall be coming soon!(Or four!...Or five even if I've the inspiration enough...Right now I consider 3/5 of them ramblings, and not proper poems...but we shall see!)
The Moon
High above he sails the sky,
A starry waste he passes by.
An opalescent globe, wrapped in an argent robe;
The Sun behind his tail, he's ever on the fly.
He braves the churning waves of Night
And chides the dark with silver light.
He rides with tattered sails, yet he never fails;
Circling the world - his journey has no end in sight.
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141,396 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hello Hello I know this is an older poem and that you won't see this however I will still give my thoughts. I might not have much feedback as I cant really point out anything super glaring In fact I wish this poem was longer. Although it is nice and concise the use of imagery makes me feel like this could be the start of a fairytale. I feel like this could be a great tale of the moon who is a wise old spirit a mix between Celtic tales and Tolkien however I understand good poetry should not overstay its welcome.
One thing I want to point out is the flow of this piece. It's quite lyrical and gives the rich imagery such a vivid sense of life almost as if it was being read to me. Without turning this into five paragraphs of me gushing I will simply say this poem is filled with whimsy and life. You did a great job.
wherever you are I hope you are doing well, keep writing and drink water!
Hi!
I don't really understand this line... do you mean to say "IN the sky?" I'm not quite sure...
I'm not exactly sure, but it seems like there isn't the right amount of syllables in these two lines... It seems like either the last line should be the same amount of syllables as the one before it, or it should be the same as the first or second line in the stanza. (did that make any sense? >.<)
This stanza, overall, is much better than the first, rhythm-wise, methinks. Except it seems to me that the second two lines need two more syllables each...
Overall, I think that because you've chosen to rhyme this poem, you need to make sure that the rhythm is steady. Really pay attention to the number of syllables. Try reading it out loud, too -- I've found that really great poems are usually easy to read out loud because they have an almost melodic rhythm. In this, I'm not quite sure where the emphesis is, because I'm not sure how the poem's rhythm should sound. Get what I mean?
On the bright side, you have some lovely imagery (especially in the second stanza) and I love the majestic, mystical feel of the whole thing. It's just that right now, it feels like the rhyme is forced and awkward, because the rhythm is uneven. Sort out the rhythm, and this will be truly gorgeous.
PM me with questions/comments about my review!
Hope this helps.
~Azia~
Dude!!! you are a serious poet! This poem is the best poem ive read in years! where do you get such
i fell in love with that poem!
inspiration? i want you to pm me asap when you write more!
High above he sails the sky,
A starry waste he passes by.
An opalescent globe, wrapped in an argent robe;
The Sun behind his tail, he's ever on the fly.
the last part of the last line i couldn't exactly understand for some reason,
He braves the churning waves of Night
And chides the dark with silver light.
He rides with tattered sails, yet he never fails;
Circling the world - his journey has no end in sight.
====
This poem is beautiful...
It really made me think of war for some reason..
I don't even understand it...
10/10
Ah, thank-you!
as great and enchanting as always...your poem and the moon..